Under Our Roof (3b/14)
anonymous
April 6 2010, 02:46:13 UTC
I think that shy, submissive people generally surround themselves with loud, dominating personalities simply as a matter of course. I know that I do and I usually like them. Today I couldn’t take it. I wanted to hide in a corner and let the horrible thought impress itself onto me.
My father was having sex with my brother. My father was having sex with my brother. My father was having sex with my brother…
“Mattie?”
“Huh?” Katya was looking at me in concern. So were Lukas and Miguel.
“You sure you’re okay?” Miguel asked.
“I’m fine.” I have physics class with Alfred. I’d have to sit in class with him. I’d have to spend an hour looking at him, knowing what he did. And then, after school, I’d see Dad again. Dad, who drove us to school, who talked with Alfred, who looked at him, as if nothing were wrong.
He’s not my father. I don’t know who he is, but he’s not my father. He’s the stranger who hurt Alfred. My father went away and this horrible man took his place. I hate him. I hate him. I hate them.
“Hey,” I said, and I was surprised that my voice still worked. “I think I’m going to sit in on rehearsals today.” I didn’t need to be there, but I couldn’t be alone with Alfred and that man.
Katya smiled. “Sure. We’re going out for lunch afterwards. You can come with us. It’ll be fun.”
“I’m driving,” Miguel said. “I can take you home.” Miguel has a car. It’s small and it also smells like smoke, rich and heavy. When I’m in that car I want to drink in the smell greedily and fill my mouth and throat and lungs with it, and I have to be careful that Miguel doesn’t notice me being weird.
“Thanks.”
I didn’t want to go back at night. What if they did the same thing? But I can’t ask to stay over at someone’s on a school night. And I couldn’t do it the night after that. My house was dark and frightening now. It was that man’s house, not mine.
They started eating and talking about the show. I made myself talk too. Anything to stop from thinking.
Thinking about Dad and Alfred. Dad touching Alfred. Alfred’s long, slender legs over Dad’s shoulders. Sweat on the muscles on Alfred’s chest. Dad’s teeth gritted, his hips moving.
From three seats back, I watched Alfred’s shoulders move. I watched him tap his pencil, smile, pass notes to his friends, just like everything was normal.
I quietly asked to be excused from class. I walked down the hall into the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet just before I threw up.
My father was having sex with my brother. My father was having sex with my brother. My father was having sex with my brother…
“Mattie?”
“Huh?” Katya was looking at me in concern. So were Lukas and Miguel.
“You sure you’re okay?” Miguel asked.
“I’m fine.” I have physics class with Alfred. I’d have to sit in class with him. I’d have to spend an hour looking at him, knowing what he did. And then, after school, I’d see Dad again. Dad, who drove us to school, who talked with Alfred, who looked at him, as if nothing were wrong.
He’s not my father. I don’t know who he is, but he’s not my father. He’s the stranger who hurt Alfred. My father went away and this horrible man took his place. I hate him. I hate him. I hate them.
“Hey,” I said, and I was surprised that my voice still worked. “I think I’m going to sit in on rehearsals today.” I didn’t need to be there, but I couldn’t be alone with Alfred and that man.
Katya smiled. “Sure. We’re going out for lunch afterwards. You can come with us. It’ll be fun.”
“I’m driving,” Miguel said. “I can take you home.” Miguel has a car. It’s small and it also smells like smoke, rich and heavy. When I’m in that car I want to drink in the smell greedily and fill my mouth and throat and lungs with it, and I have to be careful that Miguel doesn’t notice me being weird.
“Thanks.”
I didn’t want to go back at night. What if they did the same thing? But I can’t ask to stay over at someone’s on a school night. And I couldn’t do it the night after that. My house was dark and frightening now. It was that man’s house, not mine.
They started eating and talking about the show. I made myself talk too. Anything to stop from thinking.
Thinking about Dad and Alfred. Dad touching Alfred. Alfred’s long, slender legs over Dad’s shoulders. Sweat on the muscles on Alfred’s chest. Dad’s teeth gritted, his hips moving.
From three seats back, I watched Alfred’s shoulders move. I watched him tap his pencil, smile, pass notes to his friends, just like everything was normal.
I quietly asked to be excused from class. I walked down the hall into the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet just before I threw up.
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