Past-Part Fills Post 1 -- CLOSED
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So instead, he tried to think of other ways to subtly hint at his feelings, in hopes that he could get a sign they were returned. He would always make sure that sunflowers were available when Ivan was coming to his nation. He knew that he loved them. It was worth the trouble to find so many on short notice often, just to see the other nation smile when he walked into the room.
He wasn't hinting anymore. Today, he would finally tell Arthur how he felt. He would set them both free from this heavy weight over their hearts. And then, then, he would finally tell Ivan that yes, that love was returned.
He was drawn out of his thoughts by someone calling his name. He looked up and smiled a bit. He actually came, after all. He waved to let him know he had heard him. The closer Arthur got, the more obvious the wrapped box in his hands had become. He couldn't help but laugh. When was the last time someone gave him a birthday present?
"Aw, a present? You didn't have to do that, Iggy. Don't you think I'm getting a little too old to get presents?" His mind took the moment to remind him of the last time Arthur deigned to show up for his party.
"It's not another glove waiting to deck me as soon as I open it, is it?" For someone that supposedly loved him, Arthur sure could hold a grudge.
"You would bring that up again. Consider this the only real present you'll get from me on your...birthday." Alfred nodded a bit as he took the box. He wasn't going to say anything; he could tell this was hard for him.
He stopped opening the box to listen as Arthur apparently felt the need to explain the gift.
"There was nothing that suited you in the stores, and I thought if this was all you'd ever get from me, it better be something that actually reflected...you."
Alfred nodded and set the ribbon aside. Ah, so he made it. He was always handy with a block of wood.
"The fact that you came at all is present enough. I was surprised when you even said you would..." He trailed off as he looked in the box. Wow...
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This was...those figures he loved so much as a child were nothing compared to this. He turned the figure over in his hand carefully, afraid that he might drop it and break it.
It was obvious that Arthur had put a lot of work into this, and it broke his heart that he was going to have to turn him down. He sighed as he felt his resolve waver.
But, Arthur was right. This eagle represented him. The eagle wasn't bound by chains. There was no weight keeping it grounded when it wanted to soar through the sky. He could do this, and he should have done it long ago.
"Free as an eagle..." They both deserved a chance at happiness. Just as sure as he was that Arthur was not the one he was meant to be with, he knew that he was not the one meant for Arthur. Arthur wouldn't know that until he was free to look for that one person. He set the figure aside and moved his arms around Arthur in a somewhat awkward hug. He didn't want to give the wrong impression right before he did this.
Just as soon as he did, someone moved and revealed that Ivan was watching him. He smiled, and for once, he didn't feel like he had to beg silently for him to wait.
He would finally be able to tell him that he loved him.
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But seriously, I love this. I can't wait for the next part :O
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That said enough to him. He knew that he wasn't going to walk away from this conversation arm in arm with his love. He trained his features to remain curious, but inside he was already embracing himself for what was to come. He told himself now: he wouldn't ask for that 'just one kiss.' Better to forget it altogether than to have that memory of what never could have been.
"Arthur...I..." Alfred started to look at him, but stopped, looking at his hands in his lap as he clenched them and unclenched him. Arthur just watched him silently, and sure enough, he started again.
"We...we've been through a lot over the years, haven't we?" Arthur nodded with some trepidation. He had played the memories over again and again in his mind numerous times before: the only time Alfred's ever loved him; the times he hated him; the grey areas in between that were probably only greyed by his own mind.
"I...I always--..." Alfred stopped again, shaking his head. Arthur wondered what was making this so hard. If he didn't love him, he didn't love him. So why couldn't he just out and say it? The ache in his chest grew angrily, bringing itself to his attention. Just because he was ready for rejection didn't make it hurt any less.
"I've always loved you, you know." Arthur blinked and looked over at Alfred, wide-eyed. Alfred had also turned to look at him. He wasn't smiling, and there was a dull ache obvious in his eyes. They weren't wet, and there were no tears being held back. They weren't needed. He loved him? Then why? Why was he obviously in so much pain to say it? Was he afraid he didn't feel the same way?
"Surely after all this time, you've noticed he's just not that into you, non?"
The ache in his chest flared again, and he brought a hand up to it, frowning. Why now, of all times, would that frog come to mind? He shook his head and looked at Alfred again. He had turned away again and was looking up at the sky.
"And I know you love me, too. I've always known." Arthur swallowed as Alfred finished that with a quiet half-laugh to himself. "Amazing, isn't it? I can read the atmosphere, after all. I'm just too afraid to acknowledge it." He fell silent again, and Arthur felt it was about time he finally said something. He reached out, putting a hand on Alfred's shoulder. He smiled a bit when Alfred reached up, putting his own hand over it, enveloping it in its warmth.
He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped as Alfred's hand moved his off of his shoulder and he turned to look at him again.
"I don't want to hurt you again, Ig--Arthur. Not again. But, I can't--," he stopped and swallowed. The ache faded as Arthur's heart dropped to his stomach.
He understood now. All this time, everything he interpreted as Alfred's love for him was love, but not the kind he wanted. It had to be love, because why else would he have been concerned about his feelings? He swallowed, but it was dry and ached as it moved down his throat. The emptiness was heavy.
"Don't--don't be ridiculous, you git." He looked up at Alfred, and every muscle strained against him as he forced himself to smile. Alfred watched him with searching eyes. What was he looking for? An indication this was a fraud? Could he see it?
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He shifted in his seat and moved his arms around Alfred, who sat shock still for a moment before bringing his hands around him awkwardly.
"...and I always will. You...you're my little brother. I'll always want you to have the best life you can. Don't...don't live your life with restraint because you're worried about me. How can I be happy when you're not?"
In his mind, everything began to fall into place. He had been too blinded by his own feelings to think about anyone else. He pulled back, leaving his hands on Alfred's shoulder and looked at him. He looked so bewildered, as if questioning himself. He saw the question in his eyes, even though it wasn't intended for him. Why did I wait so long?
"There's...there is someone else you love." He swallowed again, and while it was easier, it was still painful. "You...you should go to them. Don't you think that you've made them wait long enough?" Alfred was watching him, unsure. He shoved his arm a bit, an indication for him to just go. He mentally willed him to hurry. He couldn't smile too much longer.
Thankfully Alfred got the hint. He nodded dumbly, hugging Arthur again, before getting up and hurrying back to the party. Arthur watched him go, letting his smile fall, looking at his hands.
He wasn't going to cry. He knew that much. Why cry tears over the loss of something you never had? He sighed as he heard footsteps approaching behind him.
"I knew you were, right. I just didn't want to admit it." He looked over his shoulder.
Francis didn't say anything, for once. And for that, Arthur was grateful. He looked up at the sky as Francis took Alfred's place on the bench beside him. He wasn't sure how long they sat there together.
He didn't really care.
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Leaving the srs!commenting aside: asjlfhjldghfsj!!!one!11eleven! ♥♥♥
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Can I ask though, what makes you say it's simple? (I'm not offended or anything like that, I've had professors tell me all the time that I don't waste words, and I don't use a frilly writing style, etc., but everyone always has a different reason for thinking so and a different reaction to it, and I try to take things into consideration when I'm writing to improve myself.)
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The way I perceive your writing is as something clean and fluid, mostly. That others have tell you about not being frilly, well, you certainly aren't unadorned, but you rely on simple sentences to get your points across, succint and poignant when needed.
When Artur realizes Alfred loves him but only as a brother, and then you top it off with: The emptiness was heavy. That is one of the clearest examples I can give you. You didn't need to go off on a tangent to make me feel it, to move me. It's simple, in the way every day's little things in life are, but doesn't make them less important.
Ack! Forgive me for going into this sappy pseudo answer, writer!anon
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I'm glad you are enjoying it so much, and I will have the last 2 parts up hopefully by the end of the weekend. ^_^
Thanks for reading, and thank you for the explanation. It was a great help.
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"Don't--don't be ridiculous, you git." Alfred looked over at him, watching as Arthur slowly moved the muscles in his face to form a smile. He searched for any sign that it reached his eyes. It didn't go that far though. What was Arthur doing to himself? Why?
"Of course I love you. I raised you: I clothed you, fed you, taught you everything I could. And yes, we fought and you left me. But isn't that how life goes? Children get older, and they have to make a life for themselves. You...it hurt when you left, but I never stopped loving you..." As he spoke, Alfred watched that light, the hint of a smile reaching his eyes.
Arthur suddenly moved, throwing his arms around him, and Alfred stiffened. Should he return it? Push him off? He brought his hands up slowly, feeling awkward as he returned the hug. He swallowed and it sank like lead into his stomach. He shouldn't be sitting here, doing this. He couldn't keep letting Arthur deflect his rejection.
"...and I always will. You...you're my little brother. I'll always want you to have the best life you can. Don't...don't live your life with restraint because you're worried about me. How can I be happy when you're not?" He pulled away and Alfred felt his arms go limp, dropping to his sides.
All this time, he had been trying to avoid hurting Arthur, even if it meant denying his own feelings. He wanted to end this because he was sure that he was holding Arthur back, as well. How could Arthur tell he wasn't happy? He always smiled, told stupid jokes, and he made sure he was oblivious to everything around him at the expense of looking like a complete idiot to the rest of the world. He threw away his dignity and the respect of other nations to keep his facade of obliviousness, and Arthur knew all this time?
"There's...there is someone else you love." Alfred nearly choked on the air he was breathing. He knew everything? "You...you should go to them. Don't you think that you've made them wait long enough?"
Alfred's throat felt dry as he looked at Arthur again for any kind of sign. He wasn't sure what kind of sign he was looking for. He wasn't doing the stupid, cliche falling in love when it's too late thing, was he? Oh God. Was that why he was having so much trouble telling him he didn't love him?
He was knocked out of his stupor when Arthur shoved him towards the party. Was Arthur rejecting him? No, he was trying to get rid of him. To cry? He didn't seem the type. He had to sort his own feelings out anyway. He reached over, hugging Arthur again. Was it wrong to be relieved that he felt nothing but his arms around a body? Maybe it was just Hollywood affecting him, but he always thought there would be something more to a hug. He pulled away, looking at Arthur one more time before he got up and ran back to the party.
He had to find Ivan. He had to know.
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Ivan looked up, and Alfred imagined he felt he was being watched, catching eyes with Alfred. His throat went dry and the lead lifted from his stomach, replaced with that tingling butterfly feeling. He smiled brightly, and Ivan excused himself, walking away from Yao toward him. Any confusion he had earlier was gone.
He met Ivan halfway, unable to think of anything better to do than just move his arms around him, holding tight like he would disappear if he let go. Ivan's arms were warm around him, and he felt like he would just melt into him. Lips met the top of his head and Ivan murmured something in Russian that he couldn't quite understand. He didn't have to though.
"I love you, too. I always have...I'm sorry it took me so long." Ivan pulled back and placed a hand on his head, running it through his hair.
"I would have waited forever, because I knew you did."
Alfred smiled, pulling Ivan into another hug. They had the rest of their lives ahead of them, but he never wanted to let go.
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