Past-Part Fills Post 1 -- CLOSED
Thanks to anon's suggestions we are now enforcing a past-part fills post
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They always say though - some things are better off unknown.
And Arthur is so afraid maybe his memory is one of them. Is that way Alfred didn't say anything? Is that way Matthew and Francis tell him not to worry?
If he wasn't so miserable right now, he would have laughed, a bitter, cynical laugh - “Don't worry... huh. Most people get worried after that.” Arthur notes, eyes still locked on that tattered old letter, beaten, ruined.
The flap is open. (Open it Arthur, you're so close, so close!) His hand is trembling again, pushing himself to open it, make his clammy hands grab it, open it.
Arthur feels like it's so long when he sits there, shaking, so afraid of what he might learn. It's these moments he wishes for Alfred, to feel himself embraced in those arms and the way he whispers comfort, “Arthur, it's going to be okay. You can do it.”
However, he can't depend on Alfred anymore.
He shouldn't.
He has to face this, has to face who he is - no matter how much Arthur runs, he'll never erase who he was once. Arthur may not know himself, but he as a person knows. There will be things about himself that he doesn't know. There will be someone in him he doesn't know.
If Arthur never faces that person, he'll be running away from the problem. And he hates that.
So he closes his eyes, grasps that envelope flap in his index finger and thumb, gently pulls it up, and peers back down at the letter inside, just like the holder.
It is old and ridden away, English script turning a dull gray. The paper itself is smooth, soft against his fingers with the age it has.
He gently pulls it out of its case, looks at the creases and folds. He stills for a moment, sweat forming on his body as he tenses. Arthur knows, this is it, this is where it will end, and this is where the Arthur Kirkland who hides behind Alfred dies, and this is where he will rise from his ashes, the person he was.
Arthur wants to find out, he's afraid, but he will - Because he has to, he can't run forever. His former identity will bite him in the ass one day, and it's better to know why... right?
With a gulp, his eyes scan over the letter, and some reason, he can already feel tears forming at his eyes as he reads, some unexplainable feeling, filled with despair and longing as his eyes trace over the letter.
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How are you? Are you well?
I'm sorry we haven't met recently. I... as you know, have been busy lately. I... saw your brother. He's... doing very well. I recently returned from the signing of his Independence... thus relinquishing my rule over him.
B-But it'll be fine! S-Stupid boy wasn't worth the trouble he caused. I could have beat him! But my king was saying how much of a waste it would be. He was right, really! He became so rebellious in his youth, it's only right to let such a disobedient subject go, right?
Besides, I have many more colonies. I have you, and so many others! My precious children, am I wrong? I'm sure things will be different with you.
I'll look back and find out where everything went wrong with Alfred. I'm sure things will be better for you, right Matthew? I don't want to make you go through the pain of war like this again.
I'm sorry if I sound... awkward. Things have just been busy... What with losing your brother, I've simply wanted to relax and clear my mind. I've become disoriented due to releasing him. However, almost right when I returned to England, I had been given piles of more work, involving Alfred.
It's been hard to have time to myself. I've considered asking for a break, but... we've lost people in the War of Independence, and I simply can't step back from my duties as a Nation. In fact, I should be reading over more work, not writing this letter. However, I was a little worried about you, so I wanted to ask how you were doing, and just tell you how things are here in England as well.
I hope things aren't too hard for you as well. I'll try and handle it here in England, and pray that no hardwork like that reaches your people.
I will try and visit soon.
Sincerely, Arthur Kirkland
Arthur doesn't realize how much he's been crying until he sees the tear marks in that letter, staining it. He cries because he is sad, he cries because he is in pain.
Because he can hear, see, the bullets resound in a sky that seems to be turning grayer by the day, and he clutches his head, falling to the side with a thump. He doesn't even try to stop his tears, Arthur focuses more on the images in his head now that his mind has stopped focusing on the letter, the flashing images of blue coats, red coats, cannons and horses, a scratched rifle -
The Briton lets out a choked sob as he can hear something in his head, echo so loud and clear that it hurts him so much, he can barely register the door bursting open, and Matthew's voice.
There's nothing in his mind, only one thing, one thing that hurts so much. He doesn't feel pain in his body, but everything just tightens, his heart feels like something holds it (Alfred, why did you have to captivate me all your life?) and it all feels so heavy, so painful - the memory of what happens, memory of Alfred's voice leaves Arthur immobile in his own despair.
All he can hear is Alfred.
I want to be independent from you!
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This chapter... I feel like I didn't express Arthur's complete and utter WORRY over who he is, or the pain of remember the Revolution. 8(;;; OTL. FML.
B-But yeah. That's just me. There's also you readers out there! :3
Honestly, I planned to update a different fill, but then I thought, "Well... The Hold Me Close readers were waiting a while, so! /UPDATES THAT INSTEAD LOL"
C: P-Please enjoy while I catch up on my sleep. I should've been asleep an hour ago, hahaha.
Also, I switched to human names. I hope you don't mind. D: The parts of this fill, when posted in the comm., while also be posted with human names. /just adjusted her doc. a bit
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I love your story...
Marry me?
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