Five Reasons Not to Date Barret (Final Fantasy VII, Barret/Tifa)
Title: Five Reasons Not to Date Barret
Author: yrena
Fandom: FFVII
Characters: Barret/Tifa
Prompt: Final Fantasy VII - Barret/Tifa - humor preferred. Barret and Tifa find themselves facing their greatest battle: the rigged arcade machines in Gold Saucer
Rating: PG-13
Note: I took this one and ran with it, and thought it'd be a great date story between the two of them~ of course, I tried to get in as much evil arcade machinery into it as possible, and I think it works great all together.
Reason #1
Tifa sighed- Barret was muttering and grunting to himself in the hotel room they shared, talking about Marlene and grunting about Shin-Ra. It didn't help they had just overheard Aerith 'convince' Cloud to go on that date with him... Barret said something about Cloud getting the girls, but at this point, Tifa thought there was no way he was getting this girl.
"Barret..." Tifa called softly, trying to break him out of whatever weird dream world he was in now.
"Dammit, Tifa, lemme alone." Ah, now that was a growl, at least it was something different.
"Barret, come on out of there. Quit moaning over things. Aerith's right, at least a little- you need to relax, so come out. OK?" It kind of galled her right now to admit anything about Aerith was right, she knew she shouldn't be so jealous of her friend, but dammit... it was Cloud she was smooching. Not that Cloud really noticed her lately. "Come on, we can go out."
"Out?! Out, playin' around while Shiva knows what Shin- Ra's up to?" Barret grumbled, opening the door slightly. "Tifa, lemme the hell alone!"
"If you go out with me, I'll pay."
That made Barret pause and blink at her in confusion. "Ah... really?"
His answer was a cranky Tifa-look, hands on her hips. He gulped.
***
Reason #2
The poor girl rubbed her nose, trying to avoid the stares the other patrons gave her as her companion roared and cursed at the crane machine game he was using... in fact, he was on his fiftieth try, aiming for a little chocobo plush in the corner.
"Dammit! You #$@!$ piece of #$@#$!" Barret looked like he was about to smash the machine into bits.
Tifa ran forward and gently pushed him away. "You've been trying that thing for ages now. Let's go do something else, all right?" She was afraid he'd explode and start rampaging over everything, like he did last time they'd gone out like this... she didn't know if that place in Midgar would ever recover.
Her touch calmed him down somewhat, and he blinked at her rather stupidly. "Eh, yeah, c'mon, we don't need that chocobo anyway... was gonna give it to Marlene, but to hell with it."
Tifa smiled and took his arm, leading him away from the machine and deeper into the square, hoping maybe the arcade machines would easy some of his tension out.
Just as they left, another guy with spiky red hair came up and popped a GP into the machine. Barret glanced behind just in time to see Red-Head pick up the very same chocobo plush, and drop it in the shoot.
The next machine they tried was the virtual fighter. Barret got down to business, saying he was a master at these games, and popped the GP in. The hologram popped up, looking a lot like Barret, and the game was on.
"Try an upper attack." Tifa suggested, smiling a little now. This game was always fun, trying to guess which one the opponent would choose. It was a bit like rock, paper, scissors.
The hologram fighters both used the middle attack.
The girl blinked, and looked at Barret. "I thought you were gonna use upper attack?"
Barret snorted, eyeing the machine. "I did! Lemme try again... low attack." He pressed the button. The holograms reacted, but not at all how they expected... Barret's had used a high attack, and the opponent used a middle. "Well, damn it, what the hell's going on?" He looked about ready to start steaming.
"Here. let me try, Barret..." Tifa took over the controls and pressed for a middle attack... and the hologram used a low.
"The $%@^ thing's rigged!" Barret snorted fire, looking about ready to smash controls.
Tifa worked quickly to finish the game. They lost all the GP they had put in. "Don't worry about it, Barret... let's try something else. How about Mog's House?" She smiled at him, trying to get his mind off the evil machine.
"Yeah, sure... don't get anything from it. Dull as hell." Barret mumbled, but let her take some GP and pop it in the machine.
A few minutes later, Tifa was frowning, and he asked what was wrong, since he hadn't bothered to watch.
"I don't know... but I've been putting nuts in the yard until he does that 'I'm satisfied' sound, and he still can't fly... this is the sixth time I've tried." Tifa glanced at him, and he took over.
"Yer not doing it right! See..." It was about into the twenty fifth time, and they still couldn't get the damn moogle to fly. Tifa had to tear him away before he became obsessed with it, and pointed over to the bike game.
The bike got stuck on turns, the enemies seemed to have ultra fast bikes, and every time they swung the sword the bike would topple, not the enemy's bike. Next machine they tried... was the basket ball game. Every throw it wouldn't calculate the points right. The snowboard game shut down, taking their GP with it, in the middle of a jump, and they had gotten a good score, too.
With each failure of the arcade, Barret's blood vessels stood out more, and more, and more. Eventually, he got so fed up he marched up to the prize lady a piece of his mind, to which she responded with that all the games were in perfect working order and maybe they should try again?
It took Tifa all of her strength to get him out of Wonder Square.
***
Reason #3
"RAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Alas, Tifa was there by Barret's side, rubbing her nose again. They were in Chocobo Square, and the betting hadn't gone well... oh no, for Barret had chosen not only a non winning chocobo, but the one that came in last. She put a soothing arm on his, murmuring something about "betting" and "odds".
"Let me try one, Barret."
He grumbled, nodded, and handed her the GP.
It was short work looking at all of the different chocobo's statistics, so Tifa made her choice quickly and placed a bet before the next race started.
Barret watched in awe as the chocobos she picked came in in the exact places she predicted.
Tifa barely had time to collect the prize before she had to hustle Barret out of that square.
***
Reason #4
Tifa, at this point, was really kind of regretting suggesting they go get a bite to eat back at the hotel. Barret was fuming and not paying attention to what he was doing. Nothing Tifa had said to this point had gotten him out of the bad mood he was in. In fact, she couldn't even really tell what the hell his bad mood was about, though she suspected it was about Cloud, Aerith, and maybe some Marlene thrown in there. In Tifa's opinion, not a very good Barret Thought Cocktail.
She was about to relax and enjoy herself despite his fuming, at least she was until Barret let out a growl and slammed the table with his gun arm.
Tifa's creamed potatoes with gravy made a spectacular launch and collided with her face.
Barret froze, as if he knew what she was about to do to him...
The poor girl gingerly took up a napkin and started wiping her face off.
***
Reason #5
"Come on, Barret. So far it's been a disaster but maybe this will help. I bet it's really pretty." Tifa had gotten over the potato fiasco, eventually, and even started to laugh a little. Barret paid for the dinner and they left, heading for the tour ride. It took some convincing on Tifa's part, but eventually she won out.
As she expected, it started out wonderfully, they saw all the sights the Saucer had to offer and were just rolling over the chocobo races when... fireworks started up. There was a small BOOM! nearby and the ride suddenly screeched to a standstill.
"Sorry, folks! We seem to be having some technical difficulties..." The loudspeaker announced.
Tifa rubbed her nose as if she wanted to rub the skin right off of it, as Barret started grumbling again, and running from side to side to look out the windows.
***
About an hour and a half later, Tifa and Barret dragged themselves into the hotel, tired, worn out and miserable. At least that's how Tifa felt. All she wanted was a quick hot shower, put on her jammies, and curl up in bed. She didn't really care if she did hog the bathroom, she was sick of Barret.
She walked up to the desk to ask for some extra shampoo, since her hair took a lot more than what was in that complimentary bottle, while Barret charged up the stairs. After about a minute, Tifa got her shampoo and Barret reappeared on the upstairs landing.
"Yo, Tifa! Cloud's back and they got bad news!" Barret called. "Get up here!"
"I'll be up in a minute. I'm getting something..." Tifa, as worried as that made her, just wanted a little time alone before she had to drag herself up those stairs.
"No, you'd better get yer ass up here! 'S important!" He honestly didn't know what was about to happen next.
"Barret..." Tifa spoke in a soft, sweet tone, "you are one of the worst dates I've ever had, you made everything a chore, and I want some time alone before I have to go up, so I'm going to take a shower. If you don't leave me alone, Barret..." now she was looking up at him, eyes flashing, "I am going to come up there and kick your ass."
Barret gulped and backed away from the railing.
***
Inside the hotel room where the others were, Cloud heard a very weird noise. It sounded like muffled machine gun fire and materia activating.
"...what was that?" Cloud looked towards the door, about to get up and check.
Cid and Yuffie exchanged looks. "Maybe ya don't wanna know." Cid worked a cigarette in his mouth a little, smirking, while Yuffie stifled a giggle. Their room was right next to Barret and Tifa's, so of course they had heard everything.
Of course, they were perfectly innocent, though Cid had to hide the screw driver under his pillow before he could sneak it back into his bag. Though that thing with the chocobos had really been just bad luck.
Author: yrena
Fandom: FFVII
Characters: Barret/Tifa
Prompt: Final Fantasy VII - Barret/Tifa - humor preferred. Barret and Tifa find themselves facing their greatest battle: the rigged arcade machines in Gold Saucer
Rating: PG-13
Note: I took this one and ran with it, and thought it'd be a great date story between the two of them~ of course, I tried to get in as much evil arcade machinery into it as possible, and I think it works great all together.
Reason #1
Tifa sighed- Barret was muttering and grunting to himself in the hotel room they shared, talking about Marlene and grunting about Shin-Ra. It didn't help they had just overheard Aerith 'convince' Cloud to go on that date with him... Barret said something about Cloud getting the girls, but at this point, Tifa thought there was no way he was getting this girl.
"Barret..." Tifa called softly, trying to break him out of whatever weird dream world he was in now.
"Dammit, Tifa, lemme alone." Ah, now that was a growl, at least it was something different.
"Barret, come on out of there. Quit moaning over things. Aerith's right, at least a little- you need to relax, so come out. OK?" It kind of galled her right now to admit anything about Aerith was right, she knew she shouldn't be so jealous of her friend, but dammit... it was Cloud she was smooching. Not that Cloud really noticed her lately. "Come on, we can go out."
"Out?! Out, playin' around while Shiva knows what Shin- Ra's up to?" Barret grumbled, opening the door slightly. "Tifa, lemme the hell alone!"
"If you go out with me, I'll pay."
That made Barret pause and blink at her in confusion. "Ah... really?"
His answer was a cranky Tifa-look, hands on her hips. He gulped.
***
Reason #2
The poor girl rubbed her nose, trying to avoid the stares the other patrons gave her as her companion roared and cursed at the crane machine game he was using... in fact, he was on his fiftieth try, aiming for a little chocobo plush in the corner.
"Dammit! You #$@!$ piece of #$@#$!" Barret looked like he was about to smash the machine into bits.
Tifa ran forward and gently pushed him away. "You've been trying that thing for ages now. Let's go do something else, all right?" She was afraid he'd explode and start rampaging over everything, like he did last time they'd gone out like this... she didn't know if that place in Midgar would ever recover.
Her touch calmed him down somewhat, and he blinked at her rather stupidly. "Eh, yeah, c'mon, we don't need that chocobo anyway... was gonna give it to Marlene, but to hell with it."
Tifa smiled and took his arm, leading him away from the machine and deeper into the square, hoping maybe the arcade machines would easy some of his tension out.
Just as they left, another guy with spiky red hair came up and popped a GP into the machine. Barret glanced behind just in time to see Red-Head pick up the very same chocobo plush, and drop it in the shoot.
The next machine they tried was the virtual fighter. Barret got down to business, saying he was a master at these games, and popped the GP in. The hologram popped up, looking a lot like Barret, and the game was on.
"Try an upper attack." Tifa suggested, smiling a little now. This game was always fun, trying to guess which one the opponent would choose. It was a bit like rock, paper, scissors.
The hologram fighters both used the middle attack.
The girl blinked, and looked at Barret. "I thought you were gonna use upper attack?"
Barret snorted, eyeing the machine. "I did! Lemme try again... low attack." He pressed the button. The holograms reacted, but not at all how they expected... Barret's had used a high attack, and the opponent used a middle. "Well, damn it, what the hell's going on?" He looked about ready to start steaming.
"Here. let me try, Barret..." Tifa took over the controls and pressed for a middle attack... and the hologram used a low.
"The $%@^ thing's rigged!" Barret snorted fire, looking about ready to smash controls.
Tifa worked quickly to finish the game. They lost all the GP they had put in. "Don't worry about it, Barret... let's try something else. How about Mog's House?" She smiled at him, trying to get his mind off the evil machine.
"Yeah, sure... don't get anything from it. Dull as hell." Barret mumbled, but let her take some GP and pop it in the machine.
A few minutes later, Tifa was frowning, and he asked what was wrong, since he hadn't bothered to watch.
"I don't know... but I've been putting nuts in the yard until he does that 'I'm satisfied' sound, and he still can't fly... this is the sixth time I've tried." Tifa glanced at him, and he took over.
"Yer not doing it right! See..." It was about into the twenty fifth time, and they still couldn't get the damn moogle to fly. Tifa had to tear him away before he became obsessed with it, and pointed over to the bike game.
The bike got stuck on turns, the enemies seemed to have ultra fast bikes, and every time they swung the sword the bike would topple, not the enemy's bike. Next machine they tried... was the basket ball game. Every throw it wouldn't calculate the points right. The snowboard game shut down, taking their GP with it, in the middle of a jump, and they had gotten a good score, too.
With each failure of the arcade, Barret's blood vessels stood out more, and more, and more. Eventually, he got so fed up he marched up to the prize lady a piece of his mind, to which she responded with that all the games were in perfect working order and maybe they should try again?
It took Tifa all of her strength to get him out of Wonder Square.
***
Reason #3
"RAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Alas, Tifa was there by Barret's side, rubbing her nose again. They were in Chocobo Square, and the betting hadn't gone well... oh no, for Barret had chosen not only a non winning chocobo, but the one that came in last. She put a soothing arm on his, murmuring something about "betting" and "odds".
"Let me try one, Barret."
He grumbled, nodded, and handed her the GP.
It was short work looking at all of the different chocobo's statistics, so Tifa made her choice quickly and placed a bet before the next race started.
Barret watched in awe as the chocobos she picked came in in the exact places she predicted.
Tifa barely had time to collect the prize before she had to hustle Barret out of that square.
***
Reason #4
Tifa, at this point, was really kind of regretting suggesting they go get a bite to eat back at the hotel. Barret was fuming and not paying attention to what he was doing. Nothing Tifa had said to this point had gotten him out of the bad mood he was in. In fact, she couldn't even really tell what the hell his bad mood was about, though she suspected it was about Cloud, Aerith, and maybe some Marlene thrown in there. In Tifa's opinion, not a very good Barret Thought Cocktail.
She was about to relax and enjoy herself despite his fuming, at least she was until Barret let out a growl and slammed the table with his gun arm.
Tifa's creamed potatoes with gravy made a spectacular launch and collided with her face.
Barret froze, as if he knew what she was about to do to him...
The poor girl gingerly took up a napkin and started wiping her face off.
***
Reason #5
"Come on, Barret. So far it's been a disaster but maybe this will help. I bet it's really pretty." Tifa had gotten over the potato fiasco, eventually, and even started to laugh a little. Barret paid for the dinner and they left, heading for the tour ride. It took some convincing on Tifa's part, but eventually she won out.
As she expected, it started out wonderfully, they saw all the sights the Saucer had to offer and were just rolling over the chocobo races when... fireworks started up. There was a small BOOM! nearby and the ride suddenly screeched to a standstill.
"Sorry, folks! We seem to be having some technical difficulties..." The loudspeaker announced.
Tifa rubbed her nose as if she wanted to rub the skin right off of it, as Barret started grumbling again, and running from side to side to look out the windows.
***
About an hour and a half later, Tifa and Barret dragged themselves into the hotel, tired, worn out and miserable. At least that's how Tifa felt. All she wanted was a quick hot shower, put on her jammies, and curl up in bed. She didn't really care if she did hog the bathroom, she was sick of Barret.
She walked up to the desk to ask for some extra shampoo, since her hair took a lot more than what was in that complimentary bottle, while Barret charged up the stairs. After about a minute, Tifa got her shampoo and Barret reappeared on the upstairs landing.
"Yo, Tifa! Cloud's back and they got bad news!" Barret called. "Get up here!"
"I'll be up in a minute. I'm getting something..." Tifa, as worried as that made her, just wanted a little time alone before she had to drag herself up those stairs.
"No, you'd better get yer ass up here! 'S important!" He honestly didn't know what was about to happen next.
"Barret..." Tifa spoke in a soft, sweet tone, "you are one of the worst dates I've ever had, you made everything a chore, and I want some time alone before I have to go up, so I'm going to take a shower. If you don't leave me alone, Barret..." now she was looking up at him, eyes flashing, "I am going to come up there and kick your ass."
Barret gulped and backed away from the railing.
***
Inside the hotel room where the others were, Cloud heard a very weird noise. It sounded like muffled machine gun fire and materia activating.
"...what was that?" Cloud looked towards the door, about to get up and check.
Cid and Yuffie exchanged looks. "Maybe ya don't wanna know." Cid worked a cigarette in his mouth a little, smirking, while Yuffie stifled a giggle. Their room was right next to Barret and Tifa's, so of course they had heard everything.
Of course, they were perfectly innocent, though Cid had to hide the screw driver under his pillow before he could sneak it back into his bag. Though that thing with the chocobos had really been just bad luck.