Quality Time with Mom...
Boy, was that ever irritating.
The reason I had to drive is because her car recently decided to die completely. So my mother officially has no car.
Back to the present...
Today we had to go to the bank. I usually park further back in the lot, mostly because forcing myself to park further away and walk makes me feel more active. Twisted and strange, I know.
But to my mom, there was no logic in my madness.
"Amber, why don't you just pull up a few more spaces?"
"Because...I don't want to."
"But it would make more sense..."
"I don't want to."
"Just pull up a few more spaces."
"Fine, okay, I'll pull up to the door. Is that close enough? Or would you like me to drive right into the lobby?"
Once inside, we did what we came to do (get a checking account) and when the girl gave me the pamphlet full of all the different checks...
"Amber, you should just get the plain ones. They're cheaper."
"I don't wanna get the cheap ones."
"But you can't really afford the designer checks right now. Checks are expensive."
"I know."
"You should just get the plain ones."
"I don't wanna."
"But it would save you a lot of money."
"Okay, fine, I'll get the plain checks."
"It was just a suggestion."
And in the car I got a whole lotta:
"Oh, careful, there's a cop up there."
"Why is your radio so loud?"
"I don't like this song."
"You didn't come to a full stop."
"You're over the cross walk."
"There's a speed zone up ahead."
And then she spots something in the side pocket of my purse, sitting there all lopsided under her foot.
"Whats that?"
"Mom I don't know what you're talking about, I hafta look at the road."
"That thing, sticking outta the pocket. What is that?"
(Which is right around when I realized which pocket she was looking at...the one with all the stuff a mother should never...ever know her daughter carries with her)
"Are those condoms?"
"Ummm..."
"Is that a...oh my god, is that a whip?"
"Mom, give me my purse."
"Do you carry a whip around with you?"
"Ummm..."
"Why?"
"Give me my purse."
"Why do you carry a whip around with you?"
"My night job."
"Are you a prostitute?"
"Mom, I was kidding."
(The conversation went on and on from here, but there's really no need to expand, you get the jist.)
So we swung over to my apartment because I had to meet my landlord and divvy out some money for an assortment of little bills I had to polish off. But when I got there, I called my landlord and it went directly to voice mail.
"Your landlord should really keep his phone on all the time."
"Yeah I know."
"Well you should tell him that."
"Fine I will."
And as I sat there with mom, waiting for my landlord to stumble upon the voice message and return my call, she decided to take a leisurely walk around my apartment.
"Did you know that there are cracks in a few of your windows?"
"Uh huh."
"Your landlord should fix those."
"Yes, he should."
"Why don't you have sheets on your bed."
"I can't afford them right now."
"Well then what do you and Ed sleep on?"
"Eachother."
"Oh dear lord I didn't need to know that!"
"Mom, I was kidding...well, kind of."
"I don't need to know these things."
"Well that'll teach you to ask questions about my bed."
"Is that what you use the whip for?"
"Oh my god..."
and the asinine conversation continued...
It's been a fun day. I'm gonna go see if I'm bleeding from the ears.
The reason I had to drive is because her car recently decided to die completely. So my mother officially has no car.
Back to the present...
Today we had to go to the bank. I usually park further back in the lot, mostly because forcing myself to park further away and walk makes me feel more active. Twisted and strange, I know.
But to my mom, there was no logic in my madness.
"Amber, why don't you just pull up a few more spaces?"
"Because...I don't want to."
"But it would make more sense..."
"I don't want to."
"Just pull up a few more spaces."
"Fine, okay, I'll pull up to the door. Is that close enough? Or would you like me to drive right into the lobby?"
Once inside, we did what we came to do (get a checking account) and when the girl gave me the pamphlet full of all the different checks...
"Amber, you should just get the plain ones. They're cheaper."
"I don't wanna get the cheap ones."
"But you can't really afford the designer checks right now. Checks are expensive."
"I know."
"You should just get the plain ones."
"I don't wanna."
"But it would save you a lot of money."
"Okay, fine, I'll get the plain checks."
"It was just a suggestion."
And in the car I got a whole lotta:
"Oh, careful, there's a cop up there."
"Why is your radio so loud?"
"I don't like this song."
"You didn't come to a full stop."
"You're over the cross walk."
"There's a speed zone up ahead."
And then she spots something in the side pocket of my purse, sitting there all lopsided under her foot.
"Whats that?"
"Mom I don't know what you're talking about, I hafta look at the road."
"That thing, sticking outta the pocket. What is that?"
(Which is right around when I realized which pocket she was looking at...the one with all the stuff a mother should never...ever know her daughter carries with her)
"Are those condoms?"
"Ummm..."
"Is that a...oh my god, is that a whip?"
"Mom, give me my purse."
"Do you carry a whip around with you?"
"Ummm..."
"Why?"
"Give me my purse."
"Why do you carry a whip around with you?"
"My night job."
"Are you a prostitute?"
"Mom, I was kidding."
(The conversation went on and on from here, but there's really no need to expand, you get the jist.)
So we swung over to my apartment because I had to meet my landlord and divvy out some money for an assortment of little bills I had to polish off. But when I got there, I called my landlord and it went directly to voice mail.
"Your landlord should really keep his phone on all the time."
"Yeah I know."
"Well you should tell him that."
"Fine I will."
And as I sat there with mom, waiting for my landlord to stumble upon the voice message and return my call, she decided to take a leisurely walk around my apartment.
"Did you know that there are cracks in a few of your windows?"
"Uh huh."
"Your landlord should fix those."
"Yes, he should."
"Why don't you have sheets on your bed."
"I can't afford them right now."
"Well then what do you and Ed sleep on?"
"Eachother."
"Oh dear lord I didn't need to know that!"
"Mom, I was kidding...well, kind of."
"I don't need to know these things."
"Well that'll teach you to ask questions about my bed."
"Is that what you use the whip for?"
"Oh my god..."
and the asinine conversation continued...
It's been a fun day. I'm gonna go see if I'm bleeding from the ears.