Fic!
Emmerdale fic. Yes, you read that right. Notes etc after the cut.
Title: Change your style again
Summary: he really didn’t think it was going to play out like this
Notes: This is for girlofprey, because she is awesome and answered my many, many questions about past Emmerdale storylines with great detail and patience. Thank you! I really hope you like this. Title from Taste in Men by Placebo, because I really, utterly could not think of anything else.
Warning: Extremely generous Nathan characterisation; just saying, I am not under any illusions about this. Kind of a mish-mash of speculation, spoilers and stuff that is totally off, as I started it back in…July, possibly? So bears little relation to the actual plots on the show.
Also, 4400+ words. HOLY SHIT. I don’t remember the last time I wrote anything this long that I didn’t fiddle with for at least six months (screw you, wip folder). I don’t even know why this turned out this long, ffs.
(actually, that’s probably not true: Lyndon Ogbourne just keeps talking about Nathan and then I keep thinking and here we are)
--
Nathan thinks he might be in shock; he’s spent a long time just reacting, reacting, reacting to what Mum wanted, trying to cover for her and keep things together, and then it all fell apart anyway and he really didn’t think it was going to play out like this.
It’s all a bit surreal, coming home; it’s just him and Will now, in a big big house, with Mum in prison and Maisie off somewhere tropical. And soon Will’s going to be back at school, so most of the time it’ll just be him.
He doesn’t expect Declan to stick around. Actually, that’s not quite true. He expects Declan to stick around exactly long enough to demand his money, and then they won’t see him for dust.
Things are going to have to change now; there’s no-one here to rely on, and a lot of people who’d love to see him fail, so Nathan has to make things work this time, so that Will and Maisie and Mum have somewhere safe to come back to. No more games.
--
Declan’s waiting for him in the office. Of course he is.
“Whatever you want, can it wait until I’ve caught up on the paperwork?”
Declan looks at him with disdain. ”Whatever I want?”
”A pay off. Money, whatever.”
“Why would I want that?”
”Because you don’t want to work with a murderer’s family. Because the money isn’t here anymore, because my mother’s in prison and she made it just about worth dealing with me. Take your pick, Declan, I don’t really care. I get it; I just need a bit of breathing space.”
Declan doesn’t answer for a moment, and Nathan goes to the desk to start looking at the bills.
“How about we try this again?’ Declan says, annoyingly calm. ‘Why don’t you ask me what I want to do? Come on. Declan, what do you want to do? It’s easy.”
Nathan glares at him. “Alright. What do you want to do?”
”I want to make money. I want this business to be a success. What do you want?”
”The same.”
”Good. So can we work together? I’ll take the money and run if that’s what you really want -“
”No, no.’ Nathan says, grasping at straws. ‘We can work together.”
--
He’s not going to deny it’s a strain. Biting his tongue when Declan makes little snide comments. Not talking to anyone more than he absolutely has to so he doesn’t have to hear them say anything about Mum, or Dad, or Maisie, or what he did to Ryan. Ignoring all the whispers. All Nathan does is work, no matter how much he might want to punch Declan, or walk out and never come back, or tell everyone in the village exactly what he thinks of them.
He doesn’t; he and Will still have to live here, and although it might not seem like it, he knows things could get a lot worse.
--
Maisie sends postcards. To Will.
Nathan would pretend it doesn’t hurt, but no-one asks him.
The latest one says it’s lovely and quiet and the sky is so blue, hope you’re ok. Nathan reads it over and over, looking for some hidden code that will tell him if she’s actually okay. He wants to write back, but they don’t know what hotel she’s staying in, and he doesn’t know what he’d say anyway. I know you don’t want to speak to me, but I still worry about you. Everyone hates me. I’m working hard and it won’t stop raining. Will is fine. PS we miss you.
Eventually, Declan stops looking surprised when Nathan doesn’t rise to his insults or answer back. He stops insulting his business sense as well, when he realises Nathan actually has some good ideas, and that makes things a little easier. It’s not much, but Nathan will take what he can get right now.
--
His mother sends letters, which Nathan dutifully reads and replies to; there’s nothing special in them, they’re just trivialities and white lies about how things are going. It’s the same when he visits her. Everything’s fine, Mum, Will’s doing great. Yeah, I heard from Maisie, she’s fine. No, no problems with Cain.
Nathan hates that the last bit is true; when you’re not even on Cain Dingle’s radar, your life must be pretty pathetic.
--
He gets home after one visit to find Declan still in the office. Nathan’s seriously beginning to hate his work ethic.
“And how was the lady of the manor today?” Declan asks, sarcasm thick in his voice.
“Can we just - not do this? Not today?” Nathan replies, because he’s tired and he’s been keeping his mouth shut for weeks and he just wants someone to cut him some slack.
Declan considers it for a moment.
“Sure.’ He says, backing off. ‘Sorry.”
Nathan just shakes his head and walks off. Declan can work as late as he likes, but he needs to cook dinner for Will.
--
Declan’s suddenly careful around him; Nathan doesn’t know if it was because he actually asked him to back down, or something else. He keeps waiting for something to happen, for Declan to reveal that this was all a ploy, and don’t worry, Nathan, I really do hate you after all.
And then one evening Declan asks him if he wants to go for a drink. Nathan can’t do anything but stare at him.
“You do know who you’re talking to, right?”
Declan frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You hate me.” Nathan points out. He’d have thought that part was obvious.
“Well, maybe I found out you did have some redeeming qualities after all.”
Nathan actually manages to smile at that.
“I can’t. I can’t leave Will.”
“Some other night, then.”
“Sure.” Nathan says, not really meaning it; there’s no way he can go into the Woolpack, and sit there with them all staring at him.
“Have a good weekend.” Declan says on his way out, and Nathan just nods absently.
--
Declan’s not one to give up on his ideas; Nathan knows this, but he didn’t actually expect him to go so far as to get someone to look after Will. Especially not without checking with Nathan first.
“You’re kidding.”
“It’s not as if I got a total stranger in.” Declan points out.
“That’s not the point.”
“So what is the point?”
“I can’t just go out and leave him.” Nathan says, because it’s been weeks and he might be overprotective but he’s all Will’s got.
“Well, Will didn’t seem bothered. He told me to have a good time. You need to get out more. And before you say anything, we’re not going for a drink round here.”
Nathan wants to keep objecting, but he can’t think of anything else to say and even if he does, it seems like Declan will have an answer for it.
“I can’t be out long.” He says eventually, and Declan just nods to concede the point.
--
Nathan is aware enough to realise that he’s terrible company. It’s been a long time since he could actually relax, and he’s almost forgotten how. Declan’s talking about something, but he isn’t sure what.
“You know that conversation generally works best with more than one person involved? Unless you like listening to me talking about myself, of course.”
“Sorry.’ Nathan says, dragging his attention back to Declan. “I’m out of practice with…this.”
Whatever this actually is.
“I noticed. And while I’m not complaining about your new-found work ethic, you know what they say about all work and no play.”
Nathan shrugs. He likes dull at the moment, but he knows it’s going to chafe soon. “I didn’t know you cared.”
Truthfully, he might be trying to rile Declan. Nathan isn’t sure he can actually cope with someone being nice to him.
“Oh, I don’t.” Declan says. ‘But with one business partner in prison for murder, it’s in my interest to keep the other one on an even keel.”
And he smirks, just so Nathan’s sure he lost that round.
--
Maisie writes again, Having a grand time, say hi to Nathan. He feels stupid for being so pleased at four words on a bit of card, but it’s the first time in months she’s even acknowledged his existence. He thinks about sending her an email, but he knows she’ll delete it unread.
The postcard goes up on the fridge with the others, pictures of beaches he can’t visit. He hopes she’s happy, anyway.
Will never asks why they can’t go to where Maisie is, though he does sometimes mutter that he wishes she was there. He doesn’t say much of anything these days, and Nathan’s under no illusion that he’s being anything other than tolerated, and it hurts more than he’d ever admit out loud (and Will and Maisie were sure he’d done it, too; they thought he was capable of killing their father). But Will’s just a kid, and Nathan’s the only one who’s still around, so it’s not surprising that Will’s anger is directed at him. Nathan’s fine with that, he really is. Will’s feelings are more important than his at the moment.
He’s started looking forward to work, because at least that way he can be around one person who doesn’t hate him.
--
Declan won’t let him talk to the tenants anymore (or preferably, anyone in the village; Ryan and Faye may have cut their losses and left, but the bad feeling’s still there). Or rather, he strongly suggests that Nathan leave that side of things to him. It takes Nathan a while to remember to be offended, but truthfully he’s relived. There’s no love lost between him and any of their tenants, and the arrangement works for everyone.
“There’s a rumour going round that you’re not actually here anymore.” Declan says with a smirk one evening. They’d been working late, and Nathan had heard himself asking Declan if he wanted to stay for dinner. He wasn’t sure if that was more surprising than Declan saying yes.
“What?” he asks, stirring some tomato sauce.
“Well, they never see you anymore, and it’s so quiet up here, they keep asking me if you’ve disappeared.”
Nathan thinks this over. “What do you tell them?”
“I was telling them that I hadn’t seen you for months, but then Will overheard me when I picked him up last week, and he ruined my fun by telling people the truth.’ Declan says with a smile. ‘I don’t think anyone believed me in the first place, but he defended you anyway.”
Nathan smiles at that; even if it was something trivial, it’s good to hear.
“I thought that would cheer you up.” Declan observes.
“Did I need cheering up?” Nathan asks, dumping some pasta in the saucepan.
“Sometimes it’s like you don’t know there are options between being a spoiled, lazy brat and working yourself into the ground. I guess you’re just lucky serious looks good on you.”
Nathan looks up; Declan doesn’t mean that the way Nathan wishes he does. He can’t. Declan doesn’t seem to think he’s said anything odd, so Nathan tries to ignore the disappointment.
This is why he was better off when Declan hated him; this is why Nathan didn’t want to go out for a drink, and why he hasn’t asked Declan to stay before now. This - this stupid thing Nathan has is just because Declan’s actually nice to him, because he’s always here, and it’s not like he could say anything even if it was anything more.
He ignores the part of him that says he’s always reacted to Declan like this; that he’s felt like this for a while. There are lines even he wouldn’t cross.
He misses Maisie, suddenly; maybe he couldn’t actually say the words I’ve got a crush on our mum’s ex-boyfriend, but he could talk to her anyway, change the names to protect the innocent.
“Nathan?’ Declan says, interrupting his moping. ‘Everything alright?”
“Fine.” Nathan lies, and waits for dinner to be ready.
--
There’s this girl I met, the next postcard says, her name’s Julia, she’s Australian. She said she was going round Europe and I thought, why not? So I’m writing this while eating my own body weight in chocolate in Brussels! Hope you’re both okay. Maisie xx
The postcard is from Belgium, and it’s the closest she’s been for months. Nathan wishes she’d let them know she was coming, because then they could have met up. Even if she didn’t want to see him, Will misses her.
He can guess that Will thinks the same as him, because the postcard doesn’t make him smile like they usually do. He reads it, downcast, and then just hands it back. Nathan still puts it with the others, but this time he does send an email. She might not even open it, but the subject line says it all: WE MISS YOU.
He adds a few lines to the email itself, trying not to sound too desperate - let us know where you are, we can meet up, it’ll be fun - and clicks send, and hopes she’ll give them a chance.
--
Maisie actually replies, actually agrees to meet up with them, and Nathan reads her email and wonders if there was some kind of time limit on not talking that he didn’t know about. She says she’s going to be in France at the end of the month, and she asks if they want to meet up in Paris.
Nathan replies to her, and Maisie replies back, and for the first time in ages, they’re actually having a conversation. It does Nathan more good than he realises at first, but they’ve got something to look forward to now, him and Will.
Declan notices.
“Told you that you needed cheering up.’ He says on Monday morning. ‘What happened?”
“We’re meeting Maisie in Paris in a couple of weeks.” Nathan says with a smile, happy to be able to share the news with someone.
“Yeah? That’s great.’ Declan says, and it sounds like he means it. ‘So you’ve heard from her? How’s she doing?”
Nathan talks more than he means to, telling Declan about the emails and the postcards. It’s good for him to get to talk to someone about Maisie, finally; he can’t tell Will how worried he’s been, and Declan and Maisie always got on.
--
He’s been behaving for so long that a screw up was overdue. He knew that, knew something was coming, but this…this is a good one.
The night before they go to Paris, Declan offers to cook him dinner. Nathan’s already packed, and the passports and the money are all there waiting, so he accepts.
It’s a good meal, and Declan even gets a pizza for Will so he can eat earlier and be out of their way, which is even better. It means that he’s already playing on his computer when they eat, and he can talk without worrying what Will might hear.
“You’ve gone serious again.” Declan tells him.
Nathan leans back in his chair. “Yeah, well, we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms, did we? And she wouldn’t speak to me for months. I wasn’t sure she ever would again. I can’t blame her.”
“Still.’ Declan glosses over that part, thankfully. ‘She’s talking to you now, right?”
“I hope so.’ Nathan says. ‘She might just want to see Will and ignore me when I’m there, but that’s fine. As long as she’s okay.”
Declan gives him a long, considering look.
“You really care about them, don’t you?”
“Of course. Why - how could you even ask me that?”
Declan holds his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean it like that. It was a compliment.”
“Oh.” Nathan says, and waits for something else to come to mind. Nothing does. Declan smiles.
“So that’s what it takes to leave you speechless? If I’d known it was that easy, I’d have tried it ages ago.”
Nathan kisses him.
They’re sitting next to each other; that’s the only way he can explain it. If they were at opposite ends of the table, Declan wouldn’t have been within reach, and Nathan wouldn’t have even tried to kiss him.
Declan doesn’t react, and Nathan works out pretty much instantly that this is it; this is the huge mistake he’s been expecting to make. He sits back, and looks down at his plate, and doesn’t say anything.
Declan doesn’t say anything either, but he doesn’t stand up and walk straight out, so Nathan supposes he should be grateful for that. They finish their meals in awkward silence, and as soon as Declan’s put his fork down, he clears his throat.
“I’d, ah, better be going.”
“Thanks for dinner.” Nathan says, still unable to look up.
“No problem. Tell Maisie I said hi, alright? I’ll see you in a week.”
“Sure.”
Nathan manages to look up to watch Declan leave, and then he seriously considers bashing his head against the kitchen wall. What was that? Making a move on the one person who actually seems to like him, when there’s been no indication that he’s even interested in men, let alone him? When he used to go out with his mother?
“What the hell is wrong with me?” He says out loud, as he clears the plates away.
“Do you want a list?” Will asks, and Nathan starts. He really, really hopes Will didn’t see anything.
“Shouldn’t you be going to bed?”
“That’s one of the things on the list.’ Will tells him, matter of fact, so it seems like Nathan’s safe. ‘Making me go to bed early.”
“We’ve got to be up early, mate. Are you looking forward to it?”
“Yeah, it’ll be cool. Do you think Maisie will have got us presents?”
“I think if she hasn’t, you should complain.’ Nathan says, smiling. ‘Now get to bed.”
“Ugh.’ Will says, rolling his eyes. ‘Night.”
“Yeah, goodnight.” Nathan replies, loading the dishwasher. He listens for Will going upstairs and then stops and leans his palms against the counter, sighing. He gives himself just a minute to think about Declan, and kissing him, and then he makes himself finish clearing up. He’ll have plenty of time to worry about it while they’re in Paris.
--
Maisie looks good; tanned and relaxed and happy, and she greets them both with hugs. She doesn’t ignore Nathan, but she is a little cool with him, and if he’s honest, that’s better than he expected.
They trail around Paris being tourists, and Will tells her about how school is, and she tells them about where she and Julia have been. Nathan asks where Julia is, and Maisie says she’s gone off to the Eiffel Tower on her own, because she wanted to go right to the top.
“She said the view was amazing up there, so I told her to take some photos for me, and then she said I had no sense of adventure, and I pointed out that there’s adventure, and then there’s walking up a load of stairs.’ She says with a smile. ‘Do you want to get some lunch? We’ve found a great restaurant near our hotel.”
She leads them off, and Nathan hangs back a little, so he can watch the two of them. They both seem happy, and even if he has ruined things with Declan, at least he’s got this right, finally.
--
Julia meets them at the restaurant. She’s loud and giggly and she takes to Will instantly, and when they’ve finished eating she offers to take him off for the afternoon. It’s a set up.
Nathan wants to protest; he’s still not keen on Will going anywhere without him, but they’re here for Will to have a holiday as well as seeing Maisie, and if he doesn’t let Will do his own thing sometimes, what’s the point? And Maisie trusts Julia; she wouldn’t let Will go off with her otherwise, set up or not. He tells himself that as he waves them off.
“So.’ Maisie says, once they’ve gone. ‘You’ve changed.”
“Have I?’ Nathan says, even though he knows it’s true. ‘It’s been different, recently.”
“I know. I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I just had to get away.”
“I understand. We’ve been okay. Will’s doing fine, I think.”
“And you?”
“Oh, you know, all work and no play.”
“You?” Maisie says, teasing him.
“Like you said, I’ve changed.’ Nathan says, not sure whether he hopes she’ll keep questioning or not. ‘How are you?”
“I’m…good. Really good. It’s been great, and Julia’s lovely. We’ve been looking after each other. Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been funny all day.”
Nathan thinks about whether to tell her.
“I did something really stupid.”
“Compared to what you did before? Wow, it must be pretty bad.”
That stings, but he deserves it. He takes a deep breath. “I kissed Declan.”
“You did what?” She asks, jaw dropping.
“Yeah.”
“Declan. As in…”
“Declan.”
Maisie stares at him for a moment more, then recovers herself slightly. “Okay, I really wasn’t expecting you to say that. When?”
“Last night.”
“Last night? Oh my God, Nathan, what happened?”
“I don’t know!’ Nathan says. ‘He just - he made dinner and we were talking and we work well together and I wanted - I just kissed him.”
“And?”
“And nothing. He didn’t kiss me back, so I screwed that one up. And we just finished dinner and then he left.”
“Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound…too bad. Does it? I mean, it could have been worse.”
Nathan looks at her. “You don’t think it’s weird?”
“You making a move on Declan? Maybe. You wanting to make a move on Declan? Please, Nathan, I’ve got eyes.”
“Wait, really? Because I thought I’d -“
“Calm down, I don’t think anyone else ever noticed, but I know what you’re like. He really didn’t kiss you back?”
“Not at all.”
“But he didn’t punch you, or walk out. That’s got to be encouraging, hasn’t it?”
“Maybe he was just thinking about the business. I should have been.”
Maisie gives him a look that seems equal parts fond and pitying. “Oh, Nathan. You really need to get out more.”
She pauses for a moment, but he knows she’s not done yet.
“Declan sent me a text this morning.” She tells him.
Nathan tries not to panic. “Oh?”
“He told me to look after you.”
Nathan makes himself breathe. “Is that good or bad?”
“Why are you asking me? Maybe he thought last night was just…stress.”
“Stress.” Nathan repeats. It’s an excuse, but a shoddy one. And it’s not true, but if that’s what Declan wants to think, fine.
--
By the time Will and Julia get back, Nathan’s told Maisie every single detail of last night over again, and she’s got a speculative look on her face. He doesn’t want to know what she’s planning.
The rest of the holiday involves bursts of activity (Maisie suddenly decides they absolutely have to go to Montmartre, though Nathan can’t work out what brings that on) and long periods of doing nothing at all. Nathan tries not to think about Declan too much.
He fails.
It would be easier if Declan wasn’t actually a decent person. It would be easier if he didn’t actually listen to Nathan. It would be easier if he was like Nathan’s ex-boyfriends, just a good looking bastard. Nathan’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be having a problem if that was the case. It wouldn’t matter.
--
Declan doesn’t act like anything’s strange when they get back. He doesn’t mention the kiss, and Nathan tells himself he has to be happy with that; Declan’s not interested, and it was just a crush. He’ll get over it soon enough.
Nathan’s sure he used to be better at lying to himself.
He throws himself back into work and looking after Will. Maisie’s still travelling but Julia said something about wanting to go to London, so they’ve got plans to meet up again. Maybe eventually he can convince her to come home for a little while.
Declan offers to cook again, a few days after they get back. Nathan’s almost too surprised to answer, but he manages a ‘yeah, sure’, like it’s no big thing.
He’s less surprised when Declan includes Will this time; it makes sense, in a way. It’s a way to keep Nathan at a distance without them having to talk about why.
Nathan tries to let it go, but he can’t help himself; he needs to bring it up, needs to know if it is going to affect things going forwards.
“I’m sorry.” He says, when they’ve finished dinner and Will’s abandoned them for whatever computer game he thinks is more interesting this week.
Declan thinks for a moment. “I wasn’t aware you’d done anything you needed to apologise for lately. Is there something I should know?”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
Declan raises an eyebrow. “It wasn’t a really a kiss, though, was it?”
“What?”
Declan steps closer. He leans in, and Nathan still doesn’t get it, but then Declan kisses him, and he tastes like wine and his mouth is hot and he’s crowding Nathan against the table.
It doesn’t last anywhere near long enough. Declan steps back and smirks at him, and usually that annoys Nathan, but he’s not sure he cares right now.
“That was a kiss.”
Title: Change your style again
Summary: he really didn’t think it was going to play out like this
Notes: This is for girlofprey, because she is awesome and answered my many, many questions about past Emmerdale storylines with great detail and patience. Thank you! I really hope you like this. Title from Taste in Men by Placebo, because I really, utterly could not think of anything else.
Warning: Extremely generous Nathan characterisation; just saying, I am not under any illusions about this. Kind of a mish-mash of speculation, spoilers and stuff that is totally off, as I started it back in…July, possibly? So bears little relation to the actual plots on the show.
Also, 4400+ words. HOLY SHIT. I don’t remember the last time I wrote anything this long that I didn’t fiddle with for at least six months (screw you, wip folder). I don’t even know why this turned out this long, ffs.
(actually, that’s probably not true: Lyndon Ogbourne just keeps talking about Nathan and then I keep thinking and here we are)
--
Nathan thinks he might be in shock; he’s spent a long time just reacting, reacting, reacting to what Mum wanted, trying to cover for her and keep things together, and then it all fell apart anyway and he really didn’t think it was going to play out like this.
It’s all a bit surreal, coming home; it’s just him and Will now, in a big big house, with Mum in prison and Maisie off somewhere tropical. And soon Will’s going to be back at school, so most of the time it’ll just be him.
He doesn’t expect Declan to stick around. Actually, that’s not quite true. He expects Declan to stick around exactly long enough to demand his money, and then they won’t see him for dust.
Things are going to have to change now; there’s no-one here to rely on, and a lot of people who’d love to see him fail, so Nathan has to make things work this time, so that Will and Maisie and Mum have somewhere safe to come back to. No more games.
--
Declan’s waiting for him in the office. Of course he is.
“Whatever you want, can it wait until I’ve caught up on the paperwork?”
Declan looks at him with disdain. ”Whatever I want?”
”A pay off. Money, whatever.”
“Why would I want that?”
”Because you don’t want to work with a murderer’s family. Because the money isn’t here anymore, because my mother’s in prison and she made it just about worth dealing with me. Take your pick, Declan, I don’t really care. I get it; I just need a bit of breathing space.”
Declan doesn’t answer for a moment, and Nathan goes to the desk to start looking at the bills.
“How about we try this again?’ Declan says, annoyingly calm. ‘Why don’t you ask me what I want to do? Come on. Declan, what do you want to do? It’s easy.”
Nathan glares at him. “Alright. What do you want to do?”
”I want to make money. I want this business to be a success. What do you want?”
”The same.”
”Good. So can we work together? I’ll take the money and run if that’s what you really want -“
”No, no.’ Nathan says, grasping at straws. ‘We can work together.”
--
He’s not going to deny it’s a strain. Biting his tongue when Declan makes little snide comments. Not talking to anyone more than he absolutely has to so he doesn’t have to hear them say anything about Mum, or Dad, or Maisie, or what he did to Ryan. Ignoring all the whispers. All Nathan does is work, no matter how much he might want to punch Declan, or walk out and never come back, or tell everyone in the village exactly what he thinks of them.
He doesn’t; he and Will still have to live here, and although it might not seem like it, he knows things could get a lot worse.
--
Maisie sends postcards. To Will.
Nathan would pretend it doesn’t hurt, but no-one asks him.
The latest one says it’s lovely and quiet and the sky is so blue, hope you’re ok. Nathan reads it over and over, looking for some hidden code that will tell him if she’s actually okay. He wants to write back, but they don’t know what hotel she’s staying in, and he doesn’t know what he’d say anyway. I know you don’t want to speak to me, but I still worry about you. Everyone hates me. I’m working hard and it won’t stop raining. Will is fine. PS we miss you.
Eventually, Declan stops looking surprised when Nathan doesn’t rise to his insults or answer back. He stops insulting his business sense as well, when he realises Nathan actually has some good ideas, and that makes things a little easier. It’s not much, but Nathan will take what he can get right now.
--
His mother sends letters, which Nathan dutifully reads and replies to; there’s nothing special in them, they’re just trivialities and white lies about how things are going. It’s the same when he visits her. Everything’s fine, Mum, Will’s doing great. Yeah, I heard from Maisie, she’s fine. No, no problems with Cain.
Nathan hates that the last bit is true; when you’re not even on Cain Dingle’s radar, your life must be pretty pathetic.
--
He gets home after one visit to find Declan still in the office. Nathan’s seriously beginning to hate his work ethic.
“And how was the lady of the manor today?” Declan asks, sarcasm thick in his voice.
“Can we just - not do this? Not today?” Nathan replies, because he’s tired and he’s been keeping his mouth shut for weeks and he just wants someone to cut him some slack.
Declan considers it for a moment.
“Sure.’ He says, backing off. ‘Sorry.”
Nathan just shakes his head and walks off. Declan can work as late as he likes, but he needs to cook dinner for Will.
--
Declan’s suddenly careful around him; Nathan doesn’t know if it was because he actually asked him to back down, or something else. He keeps waiting for something to happen, for Declan to reveal that this was all a ploy, and don’t worry, Nathan, I really do hate you after all.
And then one evening Declan asks him if he wants to go for a drink. Nathan can’t do anything but stare at him.
“You do know who you’re talking to, right?”
Declan frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You hate me.” Nathan points out. He’d have thought that part was obvious.
“Well, maybe I found out you did have some redeeming qualities after all.”
Nathan actually manages to smile at that.
“I can’t. I can’t leave Will.”
“Some other night, then.”
“Sure.” Nathan says, not really meaning it; there’s no way he can go into the Woolpack, and sit there with them all staring at him.
“Have a good weekend.” Declan says on his way out, and Nathan just nods absently.
--
Declan’s not one to give up on his ideas; Nathan knows this, but he didn’t actually expect him to go so far as to get someone to look after Will. Especially not without checking with Nathan first.
“You’re kidding.”
“It’s not as if I got a total stranger in.” Declan points out.
“That’s not the point.”
“So what is the point?”
“I can’t just go out and leave him.” Nathan says, because it’s been weeks and he might be overprotective but he’s all Will’s got.
“Well, Will didn’t seem bothered. He told me to have a good time. You need to get out more. And before you say anything, we’re not going for a drink round here.”
Nathan wants to keep objecting, but he can’t think of anything else to say and even if he does, it seems like Declan will have an answer for it.
“I can’t be out long.” He says eventually, and Declan just nods to concede the point.
--
Nathan is aware enough to realise that he’s terrible company. It’s been a long time since he could actually relax, and he’s almost forgotten how. Declan’s talking about something, but he isn’t sure what.
“You know that conversation generally works best with more than one person involved? Unless you like listening to me talking about myself, of course.”
“Sorry.’ Nathan says, dragging his attention back to Declan. “I’m out of practice with…this.”
Whatever this actually is.
“I noticed. And while I’m not complaining about your new-found work ethic, you know what they say about all work and no play.”
Nathan shrugs. He likes dull at the moment, but he knows it’s going to chafe soon. “I didn’t know you cared.”
Truthfully, he might be trying to rile Declan. Nathan isn’t sure he can actually cope with someone being nice to him.
“Oh, I don’t.” Declan says. ‘But with one business partner in prison for murder, it’s in my interest to keep the other one on an even keel.”
And he smirks, just so Nathan’s sure he lost that round.
--
Maisie writes again, Having a grand time, say hi to Nathan. He feels stupid for being so pleased at four words on a bit of card, but it’s the first time in months she’s even acknowledged his existence. He thinks about sending her an email, but he knows she’ll delete it unread.
The postcard goes up on the fridge with the others, pictures of beaches he can’t visit. He hopes she’s happy, anyway.
Will never asks why they can’t go to where Maisie is, though he does sometimes mutter that he wishes she was there. He doesn’t say much of anything these days, and Nathan’s under no illusion that he’s being anything other than tolerated, and it hurts more than he’d ever admit out loud (and Will and Maisie were sure he’d done it, too; they thought he was capable of killing their father). But Will’s just a kid, and Nathan’s the only one who’s still around, so it’s not surprising that Will’s anger is directed at him. Nathan’s fine with that, he really is. Will’s feelings are more important than his at the moment.
He’s started looking forward to work, because at least that way he can be around one person who doesn’t hate him.
--
Declan won’t let him talk to the tenants anymore (or preferably, anyone in the village; Ryan and Faye may have cut their losses and left, but the bad feeling’s still there). Or rather, he strongly suggests that Nathan leave that side of things to him. It takes Nathan a while to remember to be offended, but truthfully he’s relived. There’s no love lost between him and any of their tenants, and the arrangement works for everyone.
“There’s a rumour going round that you’re not actually here anymore.” Declan says with a smirk one evening. They’d been working late, and Nathan had heard himself asking Declan if he wanted to stay for dinner. He wasn’t sure if that was more surprising than Declan saying yes.
“What?” he asks, stirring some tomato sauce.
“Well, they never see you anymore, and it’s so quiet up here, they keep asking me if you’ve disappeared.”
Nathan thinks this over. “What do you tell them?”
“I was telling them that I hadn’t seen you for months, but then Will overheard me when I picked him up last week, and he ruined my fun by telling people the truth.’ Declan says with a smile. ‘I don’t think anyone believed me in the first place, but he defended you anyway.”
Nathan smiles at that; even if it was something trivial, it’s good to hear.
“I thought that would cheer you up.” Declan observes.
“Did I need cheering up?” Nathan asks, dumping some pasta in the saucepan.
“Sometimes it’s like you don’t know there are options between being a spoiled, lazy brat and working yourself into the ground. I guess you’re just lucky serious looks good on you.”
Nathan looks up; Declan doesn’t mean that the way Nathan wishes he does. He can’t. Declan doesn’t seem to think he’s said anything odd, so Nathan tries to ignore the disappointment.
This is why he was better off when Declan hated him; this is why Nathan didn’t want to go out for a drink, and why he hasn’t asked Declan to stay before now. This - this stupid thing Nathan has is just because Declan’s actually nice to him, because he’s always here, and it’s not like he could say anything even if it was anything more.
He ignores the part of him that says he’s always reacted to Declan like this; that he’s felt like this for a while. There are lines even he wouldn’t cross.
He misses Maisie, suddenly; maybe he couldn’t actually say the words I’ve got a crush on our mum’s ex-boyfriend, but he could talk to her anyway, change the names to protect the innocent.
“Nathan?’ Declan says, interrupting his moping. ‘Everything alright?”
“Fine.” Nathan lies, and waits for dinner to be ready.
--
There’s this girl I met, the next postcard says, her name’s Julia, she’s Australian. She said she was going round Europe and I thought, why not? So I’m writing this while eating my own body weight in chocolate in Brussels! Hope you’re both okay. Maisie xx
The postcard is from Belgium, and it’s the closest she’s been for months. Nathan wishes she’d let them know she was coming, because then they could have met up. Even if she didn’t want to see him, Will misses her.
He can guess that Will thinks the same as him, because the postcard doesn’t make him smile like they usually do. He reads it, downcast, and then just hands it back. Nathan still puts it with the others, but this time he does send an email. She might not even open it, but the subject line says it all: WE MISS YOU.
He adds a few lines to the email itself, trying not to sound too desperate - let us know where you are, we can meet up, it’ll be fun - and clicks send, and hopes she’ll give them a chance.
--
Maisie actually replies, actually agrees to meet up with them, and Nathan reads her email and wonders if there was some kind of time limit on not talking that he didn’t know about. She says she’s going to be in France at the end of the month, and she asks if they want to meet up in Paris.
Nathan replies to her, and Maisie replies back, and for the first time in ages, they’re actually having a conversation. It does Nathan more good than he realises at first, but they’ve got something to look forward to now, him and Will.
Declan notices.
“Told you that you needed cheering up.’ He says on Monday morning. ‘What happened?”
“We’re meeting Maisie in Paris in a couple of weeks.” Nathan says with a smile, happy to be able to share the news with someone.
“Yeah? That’s great.’ Declan says, and it sounds like he means it. ‘So you’ve heard from her? How’s she doing?”
Nathan talks more than he means to, telling Declan about the emails and the postcards. It’s good for him to get to talk to someone about Maisie, finally; he can’t tell Will how worried he’s been, and Declan and Maisie always got on.
--
He’s been behaving for so long that a screw up was overdue. He knew that, knew something was coming, but this…this is a good one.
The night before they go to Paris, Declan offers to cook him dinner. Nathan’s already packed, and the passports and the money are all there waiting, so he accepts.
It’s a good meal, and Declan even gets a pizza for Will so he can eat earlier and be out of their way, which is even better. It means that he’s already playing on his computer when they eat, and he can talk without worrying what Will might hear.
“You’ve gone serious again.” Declan tells him.
Nathan leans back in his chair. “Yeah, well, we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms, did we? And she wouldn’t speak to me for months. I wasn’t sure she ever would again. I can’t blame her.”
“Still.’ Declan glosses over that part, thankfully. ‘She’s talking to you now, right?”
“I hope so.’ Nathan says. ‘She might just want to see Will and ignore me when I’m there, but that’s fine. As long as she’s okay.”
Declan gives him a long, considering look.
“You really care about them, don’t you?”
“Of course. Why - how could you even ask me that?”
Declan holds his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean it like that. It was a compliment.”
“Oh.” Nathan says, and waits for something else to come to mind. Nothing does. Declan smiles.
“So that’s what it takes to leave you speechless? If I’d known it was that easy, I’d have tried it ages ago.”
Nathan kisses him.
They’re sitting next to each other; that’s the only way he can explain it. If they were at opposite ends of the table, Declan wouldn’t have been within reach, and Nathan wouldn’t have even tried to kiss him.
Declan doesn’t react, and Nathan works out pretty much instantly that this is it; this is the huge mistake he’s been expecting to make. He sits back, and looks down at his plate, and doesn’t say anything.
Declan doesn’t say anything either, but he doesn’t stand up and walk straight out, so Nathan supposes he should be grateful for that. They finish their meals in awkward silence, and as soon as Declan’s put his fork down, he clears his throat.
“I’d, ah, better be going.”
“Thanks for dinner.” Nathan says, still unable to look up.
“No problem. Tell Maisie I said hi, alright? I’ll see you in a week.”
“Sure.”
Nathan manages to look up to watch Declan leave, and then he seriously considers bashing his head against the kitchen wall. What was that? Making a move on the one person who actually seems to like him, when there’s been no indication that he’s even interested in men, let alone him? When he used to go out with his mother?
“What the hell is wrong with me?” He says out loud, as he clears the plates away.
“Do you want a list?” Will asks, and Nathan starts. He really, really hopes Will didn’t see anything.
“Shouldn’t you be going to bed?”
“That’s one of the things on the list.’ Will tells him, matter of fact, so it seems like Nathan’s safe. ‘Making me go to bed early.”
“We’ve got to be up early, mate. Are you looking forward to it?”
“Yeah, it’ll be cool. Do you think Maisie will have got us presents?”
“I think if she hasn’t, you should complain.’ Nathan says, smiling. ‘Now get to bed.”
“Ugh.’ Will says, rolling his eyes. ‘Night.”
“Yeah, goodnight.” Nathan replies, loading the dishwasher. He listens for Will going upstairs and then stops and leans his palms against the counter, sighing. He gives himself just a minute to think about Declan, and kissing him, and then he makes himself finish clearing up. He’ll have plenty of time to worry about it while they’re in Paris.
--
Maisie looks good; tanned and relaxed and happy, and she greets them both with hugs. She doesn’t ignore Nathan, but she is a little cool with him, and if he’s honest, that’s better than he expected.
They trail around Paris being tourists, and Will tells her about how school is, and she tells them about where she and Julia have been. Nathan asks where Julia is, and Maisie says she’s gone off to the Eiffel Tower on her own, because she wanted to go right to the top.
“She said the view was amazing up there, so I told her to take some photos for me, and then she said I had no sense of adventure, and I pointed out that there’s adventure, and then there’s walking up a load of stairs.’ She says with a smile. ‘Do you want to get some lunch? We’ve found a great restaurant near our hotel.”
She leads them off, and Nathan hangs back a little, so he can watch the two of them. They both seem happy, and even if he has ruined things with Declan, at least he’s got this right, finally.
--
Julia meets them at the restaurant. She’s loud and giggly and she takes to Will instantly, and when they’ve finished eating she offers to take him off for the afternoon. It’s a set up.
Nathan wants to protest; he’s still not keen on Will going anywhere without him, but they’re here for Will to have a holiday as well as seeing Maisie, and if he doesn’t let Will do his own thing sometimes, what’s the point? And Maisie trusts Julia; she wouldn’t let Will go off with her otherwise, set up or not. He tells himself that as he waves them off.
“So.’ Maisie says, once they’ve gone. ‘You’ve changed.”
“Have I?’ Nathan says, even though he knows it’s true. ‘It’s been different, recently.”
“I know. I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I just had to get away.”
“I understand. We’ve been okay. Will’s doing fine, I think.”
“And you?”
“Oh, you know, all work and no play.”
“You?” Maisie says, teasing him.
“Like you said, I’ve changed.’ Nathan says, not sure whether he hopes she’ll keep questioning or not. ‘How are you?”
“I’m…good. Really good. It’s been great, and Julia’s lovely. We’ve been looking after each other. Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been funny all day.”
Nathan thinks about whether to tell her.
“I did something really stupid.”
“Compared to what you did before? Wow, it must be pretty bad.”
That stings, but he deserves it. He takes a deep breath. “I kissed Declan.”
“You did what?” She asks, jaw dropping.
“Yeah.”
“Declan. As in…”
“Declan.”
Maisie stares at him for a moment more, then recovers herself slightly. “Okay, I really wasn’t expecting you to say that. When?”
“Last night.”
“Last night? Oh my God, Nathan, what happened?”
“I don’t know!’ Nathan says. ‘He just - he made dinner and we were talking and we work well together and I wanted - I just kissed him.”
“And?”
“And nothing. He didn’t kiss me back, so I screwed that one up. And we just finished dinner and then he left.”
“Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound…too bad. Does it? I mean, it could have been worse.”
Nathan looks at her. “You don’t think it’s weird?”
“You making a move on Declan? Maybe. You wanting to make a move on Declan? Please, Nathan, I’ve got eyes.”
“Wait, really? Because I thought I’d -“
“Calm down, I don’t think anyone else ever noticed, but I know what you’re like. He really didn’t kiss you back?”
“Not at all.”
“But he didn’t punch you, or walk out. That’s got to be encouraging, hasn’t it?”
“Maybe he was just thinking about the business. I should have been.”
Maisie gives him a look that seems equal parts fond and pitying. “Oh, Nathan. You really need to get out more.”
She pauses for a moment, but he knows she’s not done yet.
“Declan sent me a text this morning.” She tells him.
Nathan tries not to panic. “Oh?”
“He told me to look after you.”
Nathan makes himself breathe. “Is that good or bad?”
“Why are you asking me? Maybe he thought last night was just…stress.”
“Stress.” Nathan repeats. It’s an excuse, but a shoddy one. And it’s not true, but if that’s what Declan wants to think, fine.
--
By the time Will and Julia get back, Nathan’s told Maisie every single detail of last night over again, and she’s got a speculative look on her face. He doesn’t want to know what she’s planning.
The rest of the holiday involves bursts of activity (Maisie suddenly decides they absolutely have to go to Montmartre, though Nathan can’t work out what brings that on) and long periods of doing nothing at all. Nathan tries not to think about Declan too much.
He fails.
It would be easier if Declan wasn’t actually a decent person. It would be easier if he didn’t actually listen to Nathan. It would be easier if he was like Nathan’s ex-boyfriends, just a good looking bastard. Nathan’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be having a problem if that was the case. It wouldn’t matter.
--
Declan doesn’t act like anything’s strange when they get back. He doesn’t mention the kiss, and Nathan tells himself he has to be happy with that; Declan’s not interested, and it was just a crush. He’ll get over it soon enough.
Nathan’s sure he used to be better at lying to himself.
He throws himself back into work and looking after Will. Maisie’s still travelling but Julia said something about wanting to go to London, so they’ve got plans to meet up again. Maybe eventually he can convince her to come home for a little while.
Declan offers to cook again, a few days after they get back. Nathan’s almost too surprised to answer, but he manages a ‘yeah, sure’, like it’s no big thing.
He’s less surprised when Declan includes Will this time; it makes sense, in a way. It’s a way to keep Nathan at a distance without them having to talk about why.
Nathan tries to let it go, but he can’t help himself; he needs to bring it up, needs to know if it is going to affect things going forwards.
“I’m sorry.” He says, when they’ve finished dinner and Will’s abandoned them for whatever computer game he thinks is more interesting this week.
Declan thinks for a moment. “I wasn’t aware you’d done anything you needed to apologise for lately. Is there something I should know?”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
Declan raises an eyebrow. “It wasn’t a really a kiss, though, was it?”
“What?”
Declan steps closer. He leans in, and Nathan still doesn’t get it, but then Declan kisses him, and he tastes like wine and his mouth is hot and he’s crowding Nathan against the table.
It doesn’t last anywhere near long enough. Declan steps back and smirks at him, and usually that annoys Nathan, but he’s not sure he cares right now.
“That was a kiss.”