i frequent LJ too much, obviously

[hesselives]

i don't know, you guys. i have over 100 Inception fics to read, accumulated in some sort of mutilated to-read list, jumbled from various anyone and everyone's recs. just looking at them is starting to make me cry. and is it so unfair of me to want to only stick to what my f-listers are producing, because it's a quiet circle but a mighty one? and i

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this is long and embarrassing, part one.

[hesselives]

lol, that list is just an unreliable attempt at guidance. i was hoping (still hoping) that the fuck-all narrative about your life would leap off the page. screen. whatever. THAT WAS WHAT I WAS REALLY GETTING AT.

i, too, am a neurotic mess. but while i would love to blame my mother (i probably could, actually), i get the feeling that it is mostly just me. that's...how i'm hardwired? i don't know. it makes me really sad that my sister and i are so different. some differences can bring people closer together, but not this. there is this perpetual gap, even though we're only 2 years apart. to put it simplistically, i'm introverted, indoorsy, sendentary, and perfectly fine being completely alone for long periods of time. she's extroverted, incredibly social, people-oriented (she's studying to be doctor), just...so well-adjusted. you know? i'm logic and wariness and distrust. and she's feeling and samaritan and too trusting. also, my atheism and her Christianity tend to clash at bad times. i'm a really defensive person, though i try to rationalize my way out of that rut. *sigh*

i used to be shy, almost cripplingly so, but i got over myself. and when i realized, hey, i'm kind of smart and i'm good at doing certain things, turned into a sarcastic, narcissistic asshole. (no, really. i was not a good person in high school.) luckily, i went to college and that was the kick to my personality that i needed. liquid courage is right -- i had a lot of liquid and a lot of courage the first two years. then i nearly stopped going out altogether, and kind of melted into a mess. something to do with self-esteem, lack of motivation/goals, (and this is going to sound stupid) lack of developing any work i'd be proud of. academic papers are the fucking worst, and all the ones i churned out were dull and uninspiring. and then i stopped doing even that, and that was where my academic record took a major dive. my parents were incredibly sad and confused over that, and i just couldn't articulate what was going on to them. but they got me into therapy, gave me time, allowed me to take a break and sign up for replacement classes at UChicago (where my favorite TA said she'd never seen anyone else work harder. but i don't think she knew it was because i was trying to prove that i'm worth something). that got me back on track, which eventually led to me graduating from my original college.

people around me now would never guess that about me. i affect a confident, relaxed, and i'm-so-witty personality, which isn't a total lie because i do enjoy being with colleagues. but it's part of a massive semi-charade to show them how cool and laid-back i am. or something.

i do wish i could go back and study psychology (i never even took Psych 101), to see if that would've been something i'm good at. interested in. 'course, i could just buy a lot of books now, but...it's not quite the same as academia? theory and practice have always been deeply divisive to me, in my very subjective POV. especially since i still haven't experienced the kind of crossover that you fortunately have. i envy you, i really do.

I LIKE COFFEE. and posh, expensive food. I'M A TOTAL HEDONIST. i have a very fuck-it-all attitude toward my own health that is not only taking years off my life, but sure to bring a world of regret when i'm older. i am money-oriented, because that allows me to be a hedonist, and i like using it to buy happiness for me and other people. because i don't know how else to express appreciation and gratitude. (does that make people uncomfortable? i don't know.) i am fairly sure i can blame my mother for the i-can't-express-myself part, though.

my equally as long and embarrassing reply part 1

[lemniciate]

omg you! I want to reach through my screen to deliver to you the biggest hug I can manage because your second, third and fourth paragraphs basically also describe me. Aside from the existence of a sister, because I was born under the one-child policy and though my parents have had plenty of chances since, I remain the only child.

I think I blame my parents for a lot of my problems (some deservedly, some probably not so). My mother's definitely source of my issues with weight, having told me from a young age that I would look so much better if only I lost a little bit of weight (despite the fact that I've pretty much been in the underweight range of the BMI all my life). She now tells me I'm too thin and adjfkghdg cue much confusion. My inability to believe in myself and subsequent attempts to sabotage my own chances through inaction probably stemmed from their belief that I was perfect (in areas of school, of course) and the pressure apparently grew too much for me. That article you linked to yesterday really hit a nerve, because even though my parents differed (quite a lot) in some areas to that horrible woman, I could clearly see bits of my childhood in there. Queen of avoidance, that's me! I'm glad you did get back on track. College is such a time to get lost in all the hecticness, especially when everyone else seems to be coping great. :( I saw a great psychologist after I crashed spectacularly after my second year and though to this day I can't quite figure out what she did for me, she did something, and it was kind of amazing.

The rest...I don't know. I probably don't help things by being ridiculously apathetic toward everything possible and just don't make enough of an effort. I, like you, am quite happy to be alone. I love to see my friends and go out, but I always need to sort of...recover, after. (Which I have been reliably told is a classic introvert trait, so you know, no need to worry, so much, there!)

I never did ask, what did you study? There are too few jobs where the theory can so easily be applied to practice.

HELL YEAH, COFFEE. Though I had to give it up after uni due to drinking far too much, and have only recently started drinking it occasionally again. I'm more of a tea person, generally, and instead of sugar in breakfast tea I tend to have honey. If the other people see that's your way of expressing yourself in those areas, I'm sure they appreciate it. I worry sometimes that my friends don't know how much I appreciate them :/

my edits are spamming your inbox. i'm sorry. D:

[hesselives]

oh, the fates have brought us together for this reason, yes? :D (disclaimer: i don't actually believe in fate. but the concept is kind of mind-blowing, yeah?) i think i was born with the mindset of being a single child, because my sister was always causing a ruckus and getting attention, while i was typically silent and...not getting as much attention. lol. so i acted out in petty ways, seething in jealousy. (like pushing her off a bike - my parents always use that home video to prove how i am evil inside. or something.)

yeah, asian cultures are weird, aren't they. i have several colleagues that - out of ear shot - are called "fatty #1", "fatty #2", etc. and both locals and Taiwanese are especially keen on calling white expats "fat fucks", which - tbh - a lot of them...are. but that still doesn't excuse the name-calling. i'm hesitant to make judgments on your mom, because....i don't know her, obviously. but seriously? one minute you're 'overweight', and one minute you're 'too thin'? maybe she just has some sort of crazy golden ratio in her head. idk.

HO, AVOIDANCE. YOU ARE TALKING TO THE RIGHT PERSON. i mostly avoid conflict whenever i can, but if i can't, CUE MUCH ANGER AND TEARS AND LASHING OUT. instead of, you know, reasonable responses. i think sometimes psychologists don't know exactly how much they help. mine was no Freud or Jung, but she listened and listened, and that was the most important part. yours sounds amazing. <3

haha, recovery is right. after a long night out with friends (drunk or no), i hole up in my room so i can finally breathe. i hear you on the effort front, bb. i really do.

oh, my. my answer will seem random, but: Classics. (specifically, Classical Civilization, because i didn't want to take Latin. lol.) pretty much only directly applicable to professorship, museum curating, and archaeology-related jobs. and i didn't want to do any of those. (planning is not my forte. like, at all.) i kind of applied to random openings that interested me: copywriting, government internships, etc. eventually, i got the job i have now via family connections. (slightly shameful, but i was on my own once i got in the door, and got really positive feedback from my boss, so. plus, it's fun to confuse the fuck out of engineers by explaining what my major is. no, really - doing that makes my day sometimes. I AM H. HERE TO THWART YOUR ALL-TOO-LINEAR EXPECTATIONS.)

small doses are good! it is a drug, after all. lol. and honey is amazing for the body. :D and...idk? i just worry that it's off-putting because others would think i'm showing off my (limited) wealth or something. :|

you know, uh, all this out-pouring of personal ~information is strangely therapeutic :O

[lemniciate]

Very good reason it is! (And funny you should say: I have this strange desire to believe in fate even when I find it difficult to put it into practice. It's nice to think there's a planned path for me because then it'd make all this mindless drifting I'm doing now have ~meaning, you know?) Awww! I guess it's always hard to become close with someone you're so different to. Normally you wouldn't have to encounter them too often, but when they're family it's harder. (My mother is a huge extrovert and it pains her, as well I, that I'm...not.)

It is, god. I like going to visit family because it's fun and exciting but then they start talking about my weight and my relationship prospects and it becomes stressful very quickly. My mother is just...in her own way she's looking out for me and she really doesn't see anything wrong with being painfully blunt. I don't know; I have to remind myself that she grew up in a different time and different culture but it's not always easy, you know? I imagine lots of kids experience this, growing up in similar situations.

Oh! I have a cousin reading Classics right now (just straight Classics, I think, since she's learning Greek and Latin on top of everything else) and she has problems explaining this to family in China just because there's no direct translation. Everyone put up a huge fuss about it and I think the only thing that calmed them was the fact that she's reading it in Oxford. I don't think she has any idea what she'd like to do after either. (idk, not too shameful, as long as you do a good job! We all scoffed at the advice from uni tutors to network and build contacts but now that we've been released into the wild, we realise despite appearances the world of adult responsibilities runs heavily on interpersonal relationships. So, yeah. Connections are good. And I imagine even more so in China? I hear stories about gift-giving and office politics and realise I'd suck at all of that because HELLO, UNABLE TO TALK TO STRANGERS AND BUTTER THEM UP :/)

it really is, isn't it.

[hesselives]

lol, the outpouring of personal information is both therapeutic and a little crazy. i mean, i'm pretty sure most (if not all) of the people i know in IRL don't have a clue about half the stuff i've said on here. i get weird about sharing sometimes, though. like, one day i'll be in the mood to play Evasion With Words, in which i make the other person i'm conversing with talk and talk forever about him/herself, so i don't have to share anything personal on my part. but on another day, it'll be just like in the movies, where i sit down next to some poor stranger on the subway and i go on and on about my woes. (in a demanding way, like, LISTEN TO ME DAMN IT MY FEELINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR DISCOMFORT.) luckily, that very rarely happens.

putting meaning to mindless drifting? i am there. HI, FATE. UH, LONG TIME NO SEE? i find it so strange that the whole same/opposite personality thing is always hit or miss. (at least, to me.) i'm distant from my sister, who is my opposite, as well as my mom, who is more like me than i'd care to admit. i'm incredibly close to my dad, though, who is TOTAL OPPOSITE. i think he finds it weird, too, because sometimes he just gives me o___O looks.

it's very possible it's a universal phenomenon, doomed to repeat until the end of the human race. D: this is partially why i'm adamant on not having any children, because i would inevitably get sucked into that cycle.

your cousin is awesome - keeping the endangered field alive! lol forever, yes. Oxford would calm them down, wouldn't it. omg, this ops director i went to go fetch at the HK airport for a high-level interview said exactly the same thing: networking and interpersonal relationships have everything to do with how far you get in the business world. (which maybe spells doom for me? IDK.) in China, gift-giving is all. and so is alcohol, unsurprisingly. (i think Westerners get super-annoyed whenever Chinese businessmen say "yes" in the boardroom, when they really mean "no." actually, i get annoyed, too. but hey, cultural differences and all that.) i swear i'm all for meritocracy, but that ain't always how we work, huh. D:

BUTTER THEM UP
i have the biggest smile on my face right now. no lie. :DDD you have such a way of phrasing things. I AM ALSO BAD AT TALKING TO STRANGERS. BUT IF THERE IS ALCOHOL FLOWING, HI BUTTERKNIFE. and you have no idea how my ability to smoke forges bonds between me and the males here. (because, like, 60+% of males in China smoke. WUT.)