Fall from grace ...
Have you ever seen someone's pitiful fall from grace? This person, who you have seen as one of the most genuine, interesting, and moralled people you have ever known, drop to the pits of drunkeness.
He's someone that i have looked up to pretty much from the day i met him. He would nearly have reached the high echelons to which i hold my gay mentor. Every day that i spend with him, i have walked away feeling that i am a better person. Last night ruined me.
He's met someone new. Fair enough. And i thought to myself that this new guy has really found a good match; someone who would treat him right, someone who would be there for him. I admit a little bit of jealously did creep in, because i tried my luck with this guy, and it didn't turn out because of given circumstances.
I noticed he was acting a little bit ... how would you say, out there, after his new guy had left. So, i figured he had had a bit to drink; which there was nothing wrong with. But then later i saw him pashing two other guys - at the same time.
I felt sick. Having someone you have basically idolised go against every moral fiber in their body. I pretty much ran. I ran to the dance floor. I needed something to take my mind off the situation. I jumped on the stage, and danced until i was in that hypnotic stage where you feel as though it is only you in the room; like no-one else is watching. I grabbed one of my friends and moved ot the dancefloor.
He approached me on the dancefloor. I was in one of those comfortable, "Oh, My, God! hes dancing with me!" moods, but felt strange, as it had been alcohol induced. He then came up to me and asked me where my prince charming was [a guy who i had been talking to earlier]. I then asked him where his was, and he told me he wasn't here. So, i then asked him if he was just filling in time. He grabbed me by the hands and asked me if i looked down on him. I wanted to scream at him, i wanted to yell at him, i wanted to make him realise what he had just done. But i couldn't. I couldn't for the simple fact that i know that alcohol makes you do strange things. I couldn't for the fact that i know what he's really like. Having him there, holding my hands, looking into my eyes with such a yearning for some sort of approval scared me. I was scared by the fact that, for that moment, i felt as though he looked up to me. I was scared of how i was feeling. I was just scared.
After telling him that i didn't look down on him, he went off and danced with his friends. I didn't really speak to him for the rest of the night, except for saying goodbye. I had been speaking to one of my friends earlier that day about how we were quite good friends. He said, "Tonight just showed how good of a friend he really is." The comment upset me to some extent, because to anyone looking on, it would seem that way. Especially when the week before when i was dancing with a guy, i ditched the guy to dance with him when he had no-one, and i found myself dancing by myself this night. But i know that he really does care for me as a friend, and that he wouldn't normally be the person to snob someone off.
So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, i decided to speak to a few people. Bad idea. Of the males i spoke to, not one was interested in talking to me for me. Not one conversation ended without an invitation back to their place. Not one person hung around to talk to me when they found out i wasn't looking for sex. Out of everyone in that club that i did not know, not one seemed to have a good set of morals.
I guess you could say that last night was a big decider in my life. Last night i saw what 'the scene' is, and what it does to people. I have always known what it was, but i hung around to be known, and make new friends. But do i really want to be friends with these people? I think that after minus, this Tuesday, i won't really be associating with the scene. I'm over clubbing, I'm over the bitchiness, I'm over the sex.
Don't think by writing this entry that I, in any way, hate this guy, or think lowly of him. I still hold him at a very high standard. I will still treat him the same way as i did before. But I did not know how to react to last night. People might argue that it was just a kiss, but it was so out-of-character for him, even if he wasn't seeing anyone.
But i guess last night proved that the fall from grace, no matter how small, is amplified when someone is at the top ...
He's someone that i have looked up to pretty much from the day i met him. He would nearly have reached the high echelons to which i hold my gay mentor. Every day that i spend with him, i have walked away feeling that i am a better person. Last night ruined me.
He's met someone new. Fair enough. And i thought to myself that this new guy has really found a good match; someone who would treat him right, someone who would be there for him. I admit a little bit of jealously did creep in, because i tried my luck with this guy, and it didn't turn out because of given circumstances.
I noticed he was acting a little bit ... how would you say, out there, after his new guy had left. So, i figured he had had a bit to drink; which there was nothing wrong with. But then later i saw him pashing two other guys - at the same time.
I felt sick. Having someone you have basically idolised go against every moral fiber in their body. I pretty much ran. I ran to the dance floor. I needed something to take my mind off the situation. I jumped on the stage, and danced until i was in that hypnotic stage where you feel as though it is only you in the room; like no-one else is watching. I grabbed one of my friends and moved ot the dancefloor.
He approached me on the dancefloor. I was in one of those comfortable, "Oh, My, God! hes dancing with me!" moods, but felt strange, as it had been alcohol induced. He then came up to me and asked me where my prince charming was [a guy who i had been talking to earlier]. I then asked him where his was, and he told me he wasn't here. So, i then asked him if he was just filling in time. He grabbed me by the hands and asked me if i looked down on him. I wanted to scream at him, i wanted to yell at him, i wanted to make him realise what he had just done. But i couldn't. I couldn't for the simple fact that i know that alcohol makes you do strange things. I couldn't for the fact that i know what he's really like. Having him there, holding my hands, looking into my eyes with such a yearning for some sort of approval scared me. I was scared by the fact that, for that moment, i felt as though he looked up to me. I was scared of how i was feeling. I was just scared.
After telling him that i didn't look down on him, he went off and danced with his friends. I didn't really speak to him for the rest of the night, except for saying goodbye. I had been speaking to one of my friends earlier that day about how we were quite good friends. He said, "Tonight just showed how good of a friend he really is." The comment upset me to some extent, because to anyone looking on, it would seem that way. Especially when the week before when i was dancing with a guy, i ditched the guy to dance with him when he had no-one, and i found myself dancing by myself this night. But i know that he really does care for me as a friend, and that he wouldn't normally be the person to snob someone off.
So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, i decided to speak to a few people. Bad idea. Of the males i spoke to, not one was interested in talking to me for me. Not one conversation ended without an invitation back to their place. Not one person hung around to talk to me when they found out i wasn't looking for sex. Out of everyone in that club that i did not know, not one seemed to have a good set of morals.
I guess you could say that last night was a big decider in my life. Last night i saw what 'the scene' is, and what it does to people. I have always known what it was, but i hung around to be known, and make new friends. But do i really want to be friends with these people? I think that after minus, this Tuesday, i won't really be associating with the scene. I'm over clubbing, I'm over the bitchiness, I'm over the sex.
Don't think by writing this entry that I, in any way, hate this guy, or think lowly of him. I still hold him at a very high standard. I will still treat him the same way as i did before. But I did not know how to react to last night. People might argue that it was just a kiss, but it was so out-of-character for him, even if he wasn't seeing anyone.
But i guess last night proved that the fall from grace, no matter how small, is amplified when someone is at the top ...