a life update? i'd like to update my life...
I know that I've started updating my journal again, because I've realized that writing is a healthy outlet, but one of my problems in the months past is that I had no healthy outlets. Many of my friends came and went, hell, I sort of came and went with myself.
Fast backward (or rewind, for those who are more comfortable), to May. Sus and I were separating for the first significant amount of time (three months for the summer). We decided not to break up, but rather that if we could handle three months physically apart but emotionally together, then we could probably handle anything. On our eight-month-celebration-day (not an anniversary, not a year), she flew back to Hawaii and I drove back to Minnesota. I worked at the JCC and temped over the summer, knowing that I would reunite with her in Washington State in August. In the meantime, we talked everyday, at least once, but a four-hour time difference basically meant that when I was eating lunch, she was waking up to go to work. When I was getting done with work, she was eating lunch. And when I was going to bed, she was finishing work for the day. This created many conversations but not many with substance.
In August, I went to WA to see her, meet her big family and it was great, but something was... different. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was seeing my girlfriend for the first time in three months, so I wasn't about to spoil it. We were in WA for two weeks, then came back to MN for two weeks, then went back to school where we had made the decision the previous year to live together, as roommates, on campus. Everything started out fine, but the semester got in the way. Sus and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. Last semester I didn't have many classes for fun, in fact I'm relatively sure I didn't have any. I was taking a course load full of classes to get requirements done, and it was taking a harsh toll on me. I retreated into myself. I fell asleep and woke up next to Sus every morning, but I began to hate my life because I hated what I was doing. This in turn became hating her, even though she was the only good thing in my life.
Channeling my rage at everything else into Sus became a very unhealthy outlet. There were other things as well. One of my very good friends got a girlfriend when he had convinced everyone on campus last year, including himself, that he was gay. This relationship became consuming, he spent (and still spends) every moment with her. They're never seen apart and come to be referred to as the "PDA Crew." I miss my confidante. I've tried talking to him about it, but he isn't listening. Another one of my friends took a vacation term this semester and went to China. Last year, she was planning on going to China to teach for the year, but she didn't get her visas straightened out in time. So she just took the time off to travel. But that's two huge people in my life, gone. One will be back in the fall, one might not.
I also got really sick and injured last semester. I was trying to get on my bed one night, my body went up, but my knee didn't. I sprained my left knee and had to walk with a brace for six weeks. It sucked. It hurt. In fact, it still does. It hasn't completely healed. I also got mono. Mono travels around college campuses like a bad habit, and fortunately I didn't get that bad a case of it. However, I did get it right during my fall midterm break, when I was working on completing my study abroad application. Looking back on it now, I'm not surprised that I was waitlisted. My application was not very strong, but a lot of it was due to the fact that I was getting really sick. My mono was really bad at the beginning and then it got progressively better. However, the mono did put me behind in my classes. I had a group project on diabetes (which Sus was also in) in Human Biology that I didn't pull my weight on until the very end because of the mono.
The worst clash of the mono and classes was in Comparative Politics in the Middle East. I spent the entire second half of the semester debating about whether or not I would drop the course, which I would be allowed to do for medical reasons. This caused me to not really apply myself and not really work at the class. I ended up staying in it because it was fulfilled a college breadth requirement, one that would effect junior-standing for housing at the end of the year if I dropped the course. Basically, I wouldn't be considered a junior for housing and I would have to choose a lottery number with the sophomores. But I was given an out! My professor said I could take an incomplete in the course! It seemed like such a great idea at the time. For those who don't know, an incomplete is a contract you sign with your professor and the registrar saying that the College will put an "I" on your transcript instead of a grade for the course for a specified period of time (here it's eight weeks after the semester ends), and you must complete the prescribed coursework detailed on the contract by your professor by the deadline. If you complete it on time, you get the grade. If you don't, the "I" turns to an F. My deadline was last Friday, February 15.
On Valentine's Day, I had a breakdown. I realized something. I made the wrong choice. I shouldn't have taken the incomplete. I seemed like a good idea at the time, but my mono was basically better, I could've done the work at the end of the course like everyone else, but I didn't. I took the easy way out, and it bit me in the ass eight weeks later. I procrastinated, stressed out, didn't do high quality work, but I got it in by the deadline and now I'm waiting. Waiting to see whether I passed or not. That's all I want.
I reapplied for study abroad, after switched programs. I liked the other one, but it wasn't the right one for me. I had my interview, and I just found out that I WILL BE IN LONDON, ONE YEAR FROM NOW, with IES: London - Theater Studies. Come visit me in Europe!
This semester has been better, my friend group is stable again. The one that went abroad will be back in fall, the one that left with the girlfriend is still physically here but mentally gone, I don't know what to do about him. But the biggest lessons I've learned are these:
1. Don't take the easy way out. Generally, even if it's offered, the regular way is actually easier in the long run, even if it's harder at the time.
2. Know that most of your friends will come back around in the end, and if they don't, maybe they weren't really your friends at all.
3. Take care of yourself. Don't take on too much, but don't be a hermit either.
And most of all,
4. Do not blame those you love for your problems. They are there to support you and care for you, not to be used as your emotional punching bags. Know that they are there for you, but that their love is not infinite, it has a limit.
If you took the time to read all of this, good for you. You probably really understand what was going on now. I hope I'm on track to be a better friend to everyone now, mostly because I'm being better to myself.
Sus and I are celebrating are 18-month day (not an anniversary, it's not a year!) on March 6th. I'm excited.
Fast backward (or rewind, for those who are more comfortable), to May. Sus and I were separating for the first significant amount of time (three months for the summer). We decided not to break up, but rather that if we could handle three months physically apart but emotionally together, then we could probably handle anything. On our eight-month-celebration-day (not an anniversary, not a year), she flew back to Hawaii and I drove back to Minnesota. I worked at the JCC and temped over the summer, knowing that I would reunite with her in Washington State in August. In the meantime, we talked everyday, at least once, but a four-hour time difference basically meant that when I was eating lunch, she was waking up to go to work. When I was getting done with work, she was eating lunch. And when I was going to bed, she was finishing work for the day. This created many conversations but not many with substance.
In August, I went to WA to see her, meet her big family and it was great, but something was... different. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was seeing my girlfriend for the first time in three months, so I wasn't about to spoil it. We were in WA for two weeks, then came back to MN for two weeks, then went back to school where we had made the decision the previous year to live together, as roommates, on campus. Everything started out fine, but the semester got in the way. Sus and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. Last semester I didn't have many classes for fun, in fact I'm relatively sure I didn't have any. I was taking a course load full of classes to get requirements done, and it was taking a harsh toll on me. I retreated into myself. I fell asleep and woke up next to Sus every morning, but I began to hate my life because I hated what I was doing. This in turn became hating her, even though she was the only good thing in my life.
Channeling my rage at everything else into Sus became a very unhealthy outlet. There were other things as well. One of my very good friends got a girlfriend when he had convinced everyone on campus last year, including himself, that he was gay. This relationship became consuming, he spent (and still spends) every moment with her. They're never seen apart and come to be referred to as the "PDA Crew." I miss my confidante. I've tried talking to him about it, but he isn't listening. Another one of my friends took a vacation term this semester and went to China. Last year, she was planning on going to China to teach for the year, but she didn't get her visas straightened out in time. So she just took the time off to travel. But that's two huge people in my life, gone. One will be back in the fall, one might not.
I also got really sick and injured last semester. I was trying to get on my bed one night, my body went up, but my knee didn't. I sprained my left knee and had to walk with a brace for six weeks. It sucked. It hurt. In fact, it still does. It hasn't completely healed. I also got mono. Mono travels around college campuses like a bad habit, and fortunately I didn't get that bad a case of it. However, I did get it right during my fall midterm break, when I was working on completing my study abroad application. Looking back on it now, I'm not surprised that I was waitlisted. My application was not very strong, but a lot of it was due to the fact that I was getting really sick. My mono was really bad at the beginning and then it got progressively better. However, the mono did put me behind in my classes. I had a group project on diabetes (which Sus was also in) in Human Biology that I didn't pull my weight on until the very end because of the mono.
The worst clash of the mono and classes was in Comparative Politics in the Middle East. I spent the entire second half of the semester debating about whether or not I would drop the course, which I would be allowed to do for medical reasons. This caused me to not really apply myself and not really work at the class. I ended up staying in it because it was fulfilled a college breadth requirement, one that would effect junior-standing for housing at the end of the year if I dropped the course. Basically, I wouldn't be considered a junior for housing and I would have to choose a lottery number with the sophomores. But I was given an out! My professor said I could take an incomplete in the course! It seemed like such a great idea at the time. For those who don't know, an incomplete is a contract you sign with your professor and the registrar saying that the College will put an "I" on your transcript instead of a grade for the course for a specified period of time (here it's eight weeks after the semester ends), and you must complete the prescribed coursework detailed on the contract by your professor by the deadline. If you complete it on time, you get the grade. If you don't, the "I" turns to an F. My deadline was last Friday, February 15.
On Valentine's Day, I had a breakdown. I realized something. I made the wrong choice. I shouldn't have taken the incomplete. I seemed like a good idea at the time, but my mono was basically better, I could've done the work at the end of the course like everyone else, but I didn't. I took the easy way out, and it bit me in the ass eight weeks later. I procrastinated, stressed out, didn't do high quality work, but I got it in by the deadline and now I'm waiting. Waiting to see whether I passed or not. That's all I want.
I reapplied for study abroad, after switched programs. I liked the other one, but it wasn't the right one for me. I had my interview, and I just found out that I WILL BE IN LONDON, ONE YEAR FROM NOW, with IES: London - Theater Studies. Come visit me in Europe!
This semester has been better, my friend group is stable again. The one that went abroad will be back in fall, the one that left with the girlfriend is still physically here but mentally gone, I don't know what to do about him. But the biggest lessons I've learned are these:
1. Don't take the easy way out. Generally, even if it's offered, the regular way is actually easier in the long run, even if it's harder at the time.
2. Know that most of your friends will come back around in the end, and if they don't, maybe they weren't really your friends at all.
3. Take care of yourself. Don't take on too much, but don't be a hermit either.
And most of all,
4. Do not blame those you love for your problems. They are there to support you and care for you, not to be used as your emotional punching bags. Know that they are there for you, but that their love is not infinite, it has a limit.
If you took the time to read all of this, good for you. You probably really understand what was going on now. I hope I'm on track to be a better friend to everyone now, mostly because I'm being better to myself.
Sus and I are celebrating are 18-month day (not an anniversary, it's not a year!) on March 6th. I'm excited.