If I wrote fortune cookies;
I ate Chinese food for lunch yesterday along with several other staff members. We were wishing a seasonal employee good luck on their journey back to school.
Chinese food is one of my favorite kinds of foods to eat. While I am always happy to eat GOOD Chinese food, I am ashamed to admit that I also really like a cheap, Americanized all-you-can-shove-into-your gullet kind of buffet as well.
My fortune cookie read as follows;
You are kind and trustworthy by nature.
Now in the first place I have to say that this statement is only partly true. I AM a kind and trustworthy person (or so I believe myself to be). But it is not ‘by nature’. By nature I am mean, selfish and deceitful, and I am constantly fighting to not be that way.
In the second place (and here is where I get to the crux of my frustrations with the fortune cookie industry) THIS IS NOT A FORTUNE.
In fact, I do not think I’ve seen a fortune in a fortune cookie for years. They are, of late, simple pieces of obvious advice, statements of character and ‘how to say ‘wind’ in Chinese.' I know this is stupid, but it bothers me, because I want a FORTUNE in my FORTUNE cookie. They don’t call it a character assessment cookie, and if they did who in heck would eat it?
I have, for the last couple of years or so, been keeping a list of fortunes I would include in fortune cookies if I were allowed to write them. I add one every few weeks, usually right after I get done eating Chinese food and am reminded of this heinous omission of fortune. Here are some of the better ones:
Bacterial infections will play a prominent part in your near future.
Someone close to you will learn that cow tipping can, in fact, be fatal.
Your future career will be full of hot oil, thinly sliced potatoes and a drive through window.
An upcoming road trip to Tijuana will teach you new things about your sexuality.
The voices in your head will start speaking louder next week.
A chance encounter with a childhood sweetheart will make you remember some of the really stupid things that you used to do.
This coming winter Amateur Roller Derby will help you overcome that seasonal affective disorder you suffer from.
In a surprising display of solidarity angry sheep will break into your house this year and steal every one of your wool socks.
Keep a spare tube of axle grease in your car next month. Don’t ask why, you don’t want to know and it has nothing to do with your car, but you are going to need it.
You will be fighting an overwhelming urge to buy a black market baby next week.
Family celebrations will ensue next month when your grandparents are acquitted on that heroin smuggling charge.
That lucky condom you keep in your wallet will prove to be not so lucky soon enough.
In a freakish encounter coming soon you will learn that it is possible, though quite painful, to kill a rabid fox with a dinner fork.
Bladder control undergarments figure prominently in your middle and old age.
Next week you will encounter an even larger than normal percentage of surprisingly stupid people.
Okay, thats some of them. Maybe I'll post the rest later. Maybe not. Only the fortune cookies will decide.
Chinese food is one of my favorite kinds of foods to eat. While I am always happy to eat GOOD Chinese food, I am ashamed to admit that I also really like a cheap, Americanized all-you-can-shove-into-your gullet kind of buffet as well.
My fortune cookie read as follows;
You are kind and trustworthy by nature.
Now in the first place I have to say that this statement is only partly true. I AM a kind and trustworthy person (or so I believe myself to be). But it is not ‘by nature’. By nature I am mean, selfish and deceitful, and I am constantly fighting to not be that way.
In the second place (and here is where I get to the crux of my frustrations with the fortune cookie industry) THIS IS NOT A FORTUNE.
In fact, I do not think I’ve seen a fortune in a fortune cookie for years. They are, of late, simple pieces of obvious advice, statements of character and ‘how to say ‘wind’ in Chinese.' I know this is stupid, but it bothers me, because I want a FORTUNE in my FORTUNE cookie. They don’t call it a character assessment cookie, and if they did who in heck would eat it?
I have, for the last couple of years or so, been keeping a list of fortunes I would include in fortune cookies if I were allowed to write them. I add one every few weeks, usually right after I get done eating Chinese food and am reminded of this heinous omission of fortune. Here are some of the better ones:
Bacterial infections will play a prominent part in your near future.
Someone close to you will learn that cow tipping can, in fact, be fatal.
Your future career will be full of hot oil, thinly sliced potatoes and a drive through window.
An upcoming road trip to Tijuana will teach you new things about your sexuality.
The voices in your head will start speaking louder next week.
A chance encounter with a childhood sweetheart will make you remember some of the really stupid things that you used to do.
This coming winter Amateur Roller Derby will help you overcome that seasonal affective disorder you suffer from.
In a surprising display of solidarity angry sheep will break into your house this year and steal every one of your wool socks.
Keep a spare tube of axle grease in your car next month. Don’t ask why, you don’t want to know and it has nothing to do with your car, but you are going to need it.
You will be fighting an overwhelming urge to buy a black market baby next week.
Family celebrations will ensue next month when your grandparents are acquitted on that heroin smuggling charge.
That lucky condom you keep in your wallet will prove to be not so lucky soon enough.
In a freakish encounter coming soon you will learn that it is possible, though quite painful, to kill a rabid fox with a dinner fork.
Bladder control undergarments figure prominently in your middle and old age.
Next week you will encounter an even larger than normal percentage of surprisingly stupid people.
Okay, thats some of them. Maybe I'll post the rest later. Maybe not. Only the fortune cookies will decide.