(no subject)
0. Do you cut? Of course.
1. Who do you hide SI from? Everyone, if at all possible.
2. Who knows about it? My family and closest friends.
3. How long has it been since you last cut? 4 days
4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? Yes, twice, though only one of those times did I employ a blade.
5. Where do you usually cut? Typically, on my forearms and hands. However, I sometimes cut my stomach, ankles, breasts, feet, ears, and the insides of my thighs.
6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? My best friend Ruth and my therapist.
7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? I suppose the worst experiences I've had are the times when I've cut myself and don't remember doing it.
8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? Not a fascination, but I do like that I can easily pull them off and bleed more.
9. Do you like scars, yes or no? "Scars have the power to show us the past was real." -Red Dragon
If I have no physical evidence of the past, then I can easily forget that it ever existed.
10. Do you name your razor? No, naming a razor gives it more power than a razor should have.
11. What other methods of SI do you use? I do some abrading (a seemingly lesser form of cutting), I bruise myself with heavy and/or metal objects, and I've removed a toenail (but only once). I tried burning once, but I find that the pain isn't as easy for me to control, and if I can't control the pain, then I've defeated the purpose of the SI.
12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? I love it. One reason I have for cutting is that I feel the need to mark my body so that everyone will know that I'm evil and that they shouldn't get involved with me. The visible marks on my body are a sort of foreshadowing of the invisible marks I will leave on the soul of any person who draws me to them; I mutilate my body and I mutilate souls. It's quite fitting.
13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? Clothes, bandages, lies... anything that covers what I'm doing.
14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? Once a scar heals, people assume that whatever caused those scars is in the past, so I unveil the scars and allow people to believe that their cause is in the past.
15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? Yes. When I attempted suicide through cutting I stayed in the hospital for 10 days. (That was the second time I was hospitalized. The first was for my first suicide attempt.)
16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? When I'm doing anything that requires a bathing suit, it's almost impossible to hide wounds on my arms.
17. What's the best part about cutting to you? I feel relief from my emotional pain or relief from my numbness. I have a sense of regaining control over my environment when I cut. I determine where I hurt and how much I destroy. I feel less helpless.
18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, "The First Cut Is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow (even though I loathe this song), "Roses In The Hospital" by Richey Edwards, to name a few.
19. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc? I've never been caught in the act, but a few times I've been caught still bleeding. It's amazing how frantic everyone becomes when they see the sight of blood.
20. What instrument do you use to cut? Razors mostly, but also scissors, nail clippers, belt buckles, staples, unbent paper clips, keys, scalpels (when I can find them), pretty much anything metal that has an edge or point.
21. What causes you to cut? Feeling helpless or unloved, needing to punish myself for being a horrible person, needing release from either extreme or nonexistant feelings, among other as yet unidentified reasons.
22. What do you feel afterwards? A short period of tranquility before the guilt of having relapsed sets in.
23. What is your closest Close Call? When I tried to kill myself I sat and bled for a very long time. Eventually I fell asleep, but not for loss of blood. I had taken some sort of Diazepine (Ex. Valium) and didn't remember doing so. My sister woke me up the next morning and drove me to the ER. Pitiful suicide attempt, I know, but it's the most I've bled out.
24. How long have you been doing it? This summer will be my 10th anniversary (that puts my first episode in my 12th year of life).
25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? Yes.
26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? For the second of my suicide attempts I needed seven stitches. Other cuts have needed stitches, but I refused to get them for fear that I'd be hospitalized again.
27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? Yes.
28. Are your parents divorced? No.
29. Do you label yourself a ‘cutter’? Cutter, self-mutilator, self-injurer, they're all me.
30. Why did you start? I'm not sure. By the time I began to look for an answer to that question, almost everything about my first episode was gone from existance.
31. What did you use? The first time, I used a razor blade.
32. Have you ever tried to quit before? I abstained for over a year, but I've unfortunately gotten back into the habit.
36. What’s the longest time you’ve went without cutting? See #32.
37. Have you tried alternative coping methods other then cutting? Writing, exercise, art projects, playing piano, walking around my neighborhood until I'm exhausted, drinking, having sex, playing pool, the list goes on.
38. Why do you like to cut (if you do)? See # 21.
39. Why don’t you like cutting (if you don’t): I hate the terrified looks on other people's faces, and self-injury brings on this immense guilt in me, as if my method of self-punishment itself is a reason for me to think myself vile.
40. Would you advise people to stop or start cutting? I'd tell them to never start. It's a physical and psychological addiction, and what's worse is that there isn't an empirically based treatment specifically for self-injury. All you can do to combat the addiction is psychotherapy or dialectical behavior therapy.
41. Have you ever talked to a professional about your cutting/issues relating to cutting? Yes.
42. Do you like the taste/look of blood? I like to play with blood, especially after it has congealed.
43. Do you ever cover or conceal scars/cuts, if so why? Yes. Sometimes, I don't want to burden others with my problems. Plus, I hate to see all of their horrified expressions.
44. What is your opinion on cutting? I lust for it, and it's a lust I wish I never had to quench.
45. Have you ever taken pictures of your cuts/scars, if so why? Yes, because it's yet another physical record of the past.
46. Do you think there is a connection between mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders etc.) and self-injury? I don't believe there's a direct link, but they definitely have a high comorbidity level. I believe that mental illness and self injury can occur independently of one another, but a lot of times there is a connection between the two.
47. Is there a certain song that describes how/when/why you cut? Most of the songs I mentioned earlier.
1. Who do you hide SI from? Everyone, if at all possible.
2. Who knows about it? My family and closest friends.
3. How long has it been since you last cut? 4 days
4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? Yes, twice, though only one of those times did I employ a blade.
5. Where do you usually cut? Typically, on my forearms and hands. However, I sometimes cut my stomach, ankles, breasts, feet, ears, and the insides of my thighs.
6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? My best friend Ruth and my therapist.
7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? I suppose the worst experiences I've had are the times when I've cut myself and don't remember doing it.
8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? Not a fascination, but I do like that I can easily pull them off and bleed more.
9. Do you like scars, yes or no? "Scars have the power to show us the past was real." -Red Dragon
If I have no physical evidence of the past, then I can easily forget that it ever existed.
10. Do you name your razor? No, naming a razor gives it more power than a razor should have.
11. What other methods of SI do you use? I do some abrading (a seemingly lesser form of cutting), I bruise myself with heavy and/or metal objects, and I've removed a toenail (but only once). I tried burning once, but I find that the pain isn't as easy for me to control, and if I can't control the pain, then I've defeated the purpose of the SI.
12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? I love it. One reason I have for cutting is that I feel the need to mark my body so that everyone will know that I'm evil and that they shouldn't get involved with me. The visible marks on my body are a sort of foreshadowing of the invisible marks I will leave on the soul of any person who draws me to them; I mutilate my body and I mutilate souls. It's quite fitting.
13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? Clothes, bandages, lies... anything that covers what I'm doing.
14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? Once a scar heals, people assume that whatever caused those scars is in the past, so I unveil the scars and allow people to believe that their cause is in the past.
15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? Yes. When I attempted suicide through cutting I stayed in the hospital for 10 days. (That was the second time I was hospitalized. The first was for my first suicide attempt.)
16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? When I'm doing anything that requires a bathing suit, it's almost impossible to hide wounds on my arms.
17. What's the best part about cutting to you? I feel relief from my emotional pain or relief from my numbness. I have a sense of regaining control over my environment when I cut. I determine where I hurt and how much I destroy. I feel less helpless.
18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, "The First Cut Is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow (even though I loathe this song), "Roses In The Hospital" by Richey Edwards, to name a few.
19. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc? I've never been caught in the act, but a few times I've been caught still bleeding. It's amazing how frantic everyone becomes when they see the sight of blood.
20. What instrument do you use to cut? Razors mostly, but also scissors, nail clippers, belt buckles, staples, unbent paper clips, keys, scalpels (when I can find them), pretty much anything metal that has an edge or point.
21. What causes you to cut? Feeling helpless or unloved, needing to punish myself for being a horrible person, needing release from either extreme or nonexistant feelings, among other as yet unidentified reasons.
22. What do you feel afterwards? A short period of tranquility before the guilt of having relapsed sets in.
23. What is your closest Close Call? When I tried to kill myself I sat and bled for a very long time. Eventually I fell asleep, but not for loss of blood. I had taken some sort of Diazepine (Ex. Valium) and didn't remember doing so. My sister woke me up the next morning and drove me to the ER. Pitiful suicide attempt, I know, but it's the most I've bled out.
24. How long have you been doing it? This summer will be my 10th anniversary (that puts my first episode in my 12th year of life).
25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? Yes.
26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? For the second of my suicide attempts I needed seven stitches. Other cuts have needed stitches, but I refused to get them for fear that I'd be hospitalized again.
27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? Yes.
28. Are your parents divorced? No.
29. Do you label yourself a ‘cutter’? Cutter, self-mutilator, self-injurer, they're all me.
30. Why did you start? I'm not sure. By the time I began to look for an answer to that question, almost everything about my first episode was gone from existance.
31. What did you use? The first time, I used a razor blade.
32. Have you ever tried to quit before? I abstained for over a year, but I've unfortunately gotten back into the habit.
36. What’s the longest time you’ve went without cutting? See #32.
37. Have you tried alternative coping methods other then cutting? Writing, exercise, art projects, playing piano, walking around my neighborhood until I'm exhausted, drinking, having sex, playing pool, the list goes on.
38. Why do you like to cut (if you do)? See # 21.
39. Why don’t you like cutting (if you don’t): I hate the terrified looks on other people's faces, and self-injury brings on this immense guilt in me, as if my method of self-punishment itself is a reason for me to think myself vile.
40. Would you advise people to stop or start cutting? I'd tell them to never start. It's a physical and psychological addiction, and what's worse is that there isn't an empirically based treatment specifically for self-injury. All you can do to combat the addiction is psychotherapy or dialectical behavior therapy.
41. Have you ever talked to a professional about your cutting/issues relating to cutting? Yes.
42. Do you like the taste/look of blood? I like to play with blood, especially after it has congealed.
43. Do you ever cover or conceal scars/cuts, if so why? Yes. Sometimes, I don't want to burden others with my problems. Plus, I hate to see all of their horrified expressions.
44. What is your opinion on cutting? I lust for it, and it's a lust I wish I never had to quench.
45. Have you ever taken pictures of your cuts/scars, if so why? Yes, because it's yet another physical record of the past.
46. Do you think there is a connection between mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders etc.) and self-injury? I don't believe there's a direct link, but they definitely have a high comorbidity level. I believe that mental illness and self injury can occur independently of one another, but a lot of times there is a connection between the two.
47. Is there a certain song that describes how/when/why you cut? Most of the songs I mentioned earlier.