Hey Pretty (19/?)
Hey Pretty
Rating: NC-17 Pairing: Matt/Dom
WARNING: This chapter deals with some Non/Con
Summary: “Hey pretty, don’t you wanna take a ride with me through my world?” Based on the lyrics of 'Hey Pretty' by Poe. Soundtrack is available here!
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18
A/N: I've been dealing with some personal issues lately and haven't had much time for writing. I warn you now, this chapter is rough, content wise. You are not going to like where it's going, I promise you that. Bear with me.
Also, special thanks to shiner1 for pointing out some errors!
I woke to the sound of my phone blaring out the ring tone I'd set for my boss. I grumbled as I slapped at it, silencing the thing before it could wake Matthew up.
“Dom?”
Too late it seemed.
“Sorry Bells.” I groaned, noting that the call went to voice mail. Then a text came through seconds later. I checked the time. “Jesus, it's not even eight am and Clive is crawling up my ass already.” I remarked, rolling onto my back again. Matthew shifted to rest his chin on my chest, watching me with sleepy blue eyes.
“Duty calls right?” He commented and I reached up to brush my fingers through his dark hair, swallowing as I watched his eyes slip shut, relaxing against my touch. I hated every time that I had to leave this behind to answer Clive's summons.
“Yeah. He was pestering me yesterday as it was, despite the fact he knew I'd taken a personal day.”
“I still think Clive is an idiot when it comes to your transfer. A&M can't be hurting for a session drummer that much can they?” Matthew mused mostly to himself, extracting himself slowly, sitting up and ruffling his hands through his hair while I watched.
“I know. But it's just another year and a half and then I'll have my green card after Clive signs off on it. After that I can easily quit and move over to Milan instead.” I remarked, dropping the phone back on the nightstand.
“Speaking of moving..” Matthew started and I felt a sudden terror grip me. It had been building up, I just knew it had been, too many people had been mentioning it as of late. “I was just thinking is all, I mean, half of your stuff is here..”
“Matthew.. can we talk about this later please? I really need to get ready for work.” I hated the curt tone to my voice that made Matthew freeze and I sighed heavily. “Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just..”
“I understand. You should get to work before your boss keeps calling you. You want me to fix you breakfast or are you going to grab something on the way?” Matthew asked as he slipped from the bed, pulling on a pair of boxer briefs before pulling his robe on. He glanced back at me as he pasted on a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
“Matthew, please, don't do this.” I pleaded with him as I crawled over the bed to him, standing on my knees at the edge of the mattress as I reached for him. I pulled him into my arms and I felt his head drop to my shoulder.
“We'll talk about this later alright? I don't want to rush this right now. Besides, I think a few other people have to be consulted in the matter as well right?” I told him and I watched as he nodded. Nathan would likely pose no issue at all, but it would be safer to ask the boy about his opinion as well. And Kelly would have a say in it considering that Nathan would be spending time with his father as always. She had been a bit hesitant at first when I'd starting spending more time at Matthew's house but seemed easily appeased when we had agreed to keep my nights over to a minimum when Nathan was over.
“I know. I just.. I thought you'd be all for this step.” Matthew said softly and looked up at me. I had to look away from him, feeling ashamed for all the reasons I wasn't telling him, couldn't tell him. My phone buzzed again and Matthew pushed me away slightly, stepping from my embrace.
“Go on. Get yo work and we can talk about all this later. I'll make you something that you can take with you on the way.” Matthew said, heading for the kitchen. I groaned, falling back on the bed in an undignified heap.
“Fuck you Clive.” I muttered to the phone before answering it. “Yes?” I answered, trying to keep my tone from sounding too bitter.
“Dom! I've been trying to reach you for ages now, I need you right away, don't you know how unprofessional it is to keep me waiting?” Clive's voice practically oozed through the line. I suppressed a shudder.
“Yesterday was my day off remember? I'd put in the request ages ago!”
“Pish.. you always have time for your Clive and you know it. Anyways, I need you here now, there's a few things I need to talk to you about and there's some work to be done as well so get your pretty little ass down to the studio already.” There was a sudden silence from the other end of the line and then a beep from my phone and I realized that Clive had hung up. I sighed as I moved to get dressed, tossing the phone onto the bed. There was no getting around Clive when he had his mind set on something, it was a fact that I'd learned very quickly when working for him.
Matthew had been true to his word about preparing me something to eat on the go, a travel mug of my favorite coffee pressed into my hand as well as french toast cut into small, bite-sized pieces, the little container of it also pressed to me as I was preparing to head out the door. I gave a quick kiss to Matthew's lips, giving him a smile which he returned. Despite our small disagreement, I knew that he wasn't going to hold it against me and that tonight would be a better time to talk.
“Your place tonight? I'll get us some Thai take-away.” Matthew gave me a questioning look and I nodded.
“Sounds like a plan. I could do with some chicken Pad Thai.”
“Have a good day at work, don't let Clive get to you too much.” The scene was entirely domestic and I could see it happening more and more frequently as of late. I had to shake myself out of visions of the future of us together, living as a couple in Matthew's house. Right now was horrible timing, even thinking about it sent that nervous knot in my stomach to tightening.
“See you at six Bells.” I said with a final wave, slipping out the front door and headed to the studio where I knew Clive would be waiting for me, likely eager as ever to see me, hence the ever increasing frequency of calls and texts.
I truly hate myself at the moment as I made my way to the studio, lost in my thoughts. My situation of course was my own doing, there was no one else to blame for it. The problem with it was I could see no way out of it. Matthew was of course blissfully unaware of the situation and I was looking to ensure that it stayed that way. He had his own issues to deal with, raising a child, even a child as good as Nathan was, it was still a taxing affair. Even with the help of Kelly and Chris I could see the occasional strain of it wearing on Matthew. A single parent with occasional custody of his child, working in the music industry. Even a successful person would find moments where they could just not handle it.
Add to the factor that I was in the picture as Matthew's partner, working in this country under a Visa while trying to earn my Green Card. That was a monetary and legal strain that I didn't want to saddle upon anyone. Tom was aware of how I was sometimes seriously strapped for cash, thus why he would toss me some extra work when he needed the help. Sometimes even when he didn't need the help.
Granted, Tom didn't know all the details either. I had to admit to myself that I was embarrassed for even getting myself hung up in a mess of my own making.
I sighed as a ran a hand through my hair, mussing it up as I arrived at the studio, my thoughts consuming me completely as they ran in ever increasing circles through my mind during the drive over. Of course I was at that point so distracted by my thoughts that I failed to see Clive before it was too late and he pounced upon me.
“Dom! My sweet boy, how I've missed you!” He oozed as he cornered me when I walked into the room where I typically worked. I had been expecting a band in the studio, gearing up with the techs. Or at least one tech working on the setup of the studio. Instead it was just Clive, hair slicked back and turned dark from the gel he used, normally a lighter shade of brown. He was wearing trousers that were far too tight for him, trying to pull off the look of a hipster and doing it poorly as he had neither the style nor the body for it. Instead of the look of tight dark jeans that I know would look fantastic on Matthew, on Clive it looked like he was trying too hard. The red 'silk' shirt looked out of place, likely because it was a cheap polyester imitation, shiny fabric that didn't look good on anyone. His ever present shades looked ridiculous in the dim of the studio.
I backed up as Clive moved close in to me, his hands gripping at my arms to hold me as he planted an unwelcome kiss to my lips. Or I at least tried to back up, I found myself pressed up against the wall of the studio with Clive's always eager hands now wandering in places less than innocent.
Since meeting Matthew I'd been very careful about Clive. I'd never been left alone with him in room for more than a few minutes, tried to dodge his calls when I could. It worked for a time, I could go for a short period of time without appearing on Clive's radar. But apparently he'd had enough of whatever other little toy he'd had and was looking to pick up an old favorite again.
Lucky me.
“Clive. Stop.” I tried to make my voice as stern as possible, but inside I felt a stab of fear. This was the man who held my life in his hands.
“Oh? No foreplay today? Right down to business then? Well alright.” He said, a grin, on his face, looking less than disappointed in that prospect, though he did put a small pout on his face for a moment, playing at being hurt but the idea. I knew better though.
“No. I mean just that. Stop. I don't want to do this anymore.”
There was a tense silence in the room as Clive finally gave pause, his hands stilling where they were working my belt off. I shoved his hands away from me.
“What the hell is this about Dominic? I thought we had an agreement?”
“We did. I'm re-negotiating it. I want this to stop. I don't want for this to be anything more than a professional relationship anymore.” I said, trying to keep my nerves from making my voice quaver. Clive I could see wasn't buying it. He knew who held the cards and he knew that I knew it too. That sick, snake-oil smile made it certain.
“Oh darling Dominic, you are in no position to negotiate with me. Not yet at least. Perhaps on your back or on your knees however...” His lewd chuckle made me feel sick inside. “I'm the one who signs off on your Visa. That's coming up again soon isn't it? The renewal, one more year after that.. Unless..” He looked thoughtful for a moment.
“I think I was overhearing you talking to Charlie the other day about your fantastic boyfriend you've got, isn't he the one over at Milan? Trying to send us offers to steal you away from us... that's right. He's an English bastard too isn't he?” Clive's grin widened. “I can't imagine what he would think if you'd lost your Visa suddenly, or what if he found out about your little arrangement?”
“Clive.. please don't!” I felt that knot of dread tightening again. This was what I feared the most. I would just die if Matthew found out about this. Clive's smile reminded me of a shark's rictus grin, open mouthed and filled with teeth, a predator's smile.
“Well then my pretty little thing, why don't you just calm down and let your Clive take care of you? I'll sign your little papers that keep you here, let you live in this country. And your contract with A&M will keep going, none of this transfer shit over to Milan. You can keep working over this fool of a man if you want as long as you remember who fucking owns you.” During Clive's speech I watched him transform from the 'sugar daddy' persona that he adopted so well in this fake plastic world of Hollywood and the music industry of LA. In it's place I saw the true Clive. Vindictive, nasty, hollow of soul. I'd made a deal with a devil and now I was going to pay for it.
Clive reached a hand up, grasping my chin firmly so I had to face him fully.
“Dominic, my special boy. You know I've missed you so much lately over these past couple weeks. I hated that you were avoiding me. None of that now right? You come when I call you or else I just might have to tell your little whore just what you get up to during downtime in the studio.” Clive pulled his phone from his pocket then, tapping at the screen of the expensive device, pulling up an audio file and playing it for me. I listened in horror as I heard my own voice playing out in startling clarity for such a small set of speakers. There was no mistaking what it was. Clive had recorded us. I could hear his voice as well in the recording and I felt myself flush with shame as my other self begged for more.
If Matthew ever heard that, he'd never speak to me again. I didn't even want to confront myself for that matter, listening to how my voice sounded.
“Listen to you, such a pretty voice singing out how much you love our little trysts.” Clive cut through my thoughts, pulling me forcibly to the present before sealing his mouth on mine, pulling a kiss from me. I didn't return it, not that Clive seemed to mind. In fact, sickeningly so, he seemed all the more turned on my my reluctance as the audio file continued to play as a soundtrack to his wandering, groping hands as he stripped me down.
I felt betrayed by my own body as it reacted naturally to being stimulated thusly. But my mind was completely elsewhere, trying to keep my thoughts on Matthew as Clive took his pleasure in me. I was doing this for Matthew. That thought ran through my head as a mantra. I was doing this for Matthew so that he didn't have to know what kind of trouble I'd gotten myself into, so that I could stay with him, so that I wasn't shipped back to England like a whipped and beaten dog. It shamed me to my core that I had put myself into this position and couldn't find my way out now, save for a year from now when Clive signed on my Visa one last time and I would be free of him.
Until then I'd have to keep this tightly wrapped, keep Matthew from wanting me to move in with him, keep him from seeing the bruises and bites that Clive always seemed to leave behind on my body, his way of marking his toys. I was just a toy for him and I knew it.
I loved Matthew with my entire being and I didn't want to keep this part of myself secret, but I knew I had to. He wouldn't understand the foolish mistake I'd made, wouldn't understand how much it was haunting me now that I had fallen in love with him, now that I was no longer alone.
I tried not to feel how Clive abused me, how different he felt from Matthew's tender touches, how Clive never prepared me nearly enough before slipping his way inside. I suddenly realized that Clive, who up until then always used a condom, wasn't wearing one. It was never that he was concerned about my heath, he was self centered enough to only worry about himself catching something that he'd have issue with trying to explain to his wife. Apparently that wasn't the case anymore. I panicked, squirming and trying to get away but Clive had me sufficiently pinned down and all I could do was take his abuse.
It felt like forever before he was finished with me and let me go, partly to get cleaned up after he had emptied inside of me and partly so I could about my duties of the day. I Was trying my hardest to sit on the stool behind the studio drum kit, the pain of my body nowhere near as bad as the pain I felt inside of trying to keep this secret from my friends, from Matthew. I couldn't even bring myself to be my usual cheery self as the techs chattered around me that afternoon, having given up on trying to draw me into their conversation about some new movie that everyone was talking about.
I felt sick.
Rating: NC-17 Pairing: Matt/Dom
WARNING: This chapter deals with some Non/Con
Summary: “Hey pretty, don’t you wanna take a ride with me through my world?” Based on the lyrics of 'Hey Pretty' by Poe. Soundtrack is available here!
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18
A/N: I've been dealing with some personal issues lately and haven't had much time for writing. I warn you now, this chapter is rough, content wise. You are not going to like where it's going, I promise you that. Bear with me.
Also, special thanks to shiner1 for pointing out some errors!
I woke to the sound of my phone blaring out the ring tone I'd set for my boss. I grumbled as I slapped at it, silencing the thing before it could wake Matthew up.
“Dom?”
Too late it seemed.
“Sorry Bells.” I groaned, noting that the call went to voice mail. Then a text came through seconds later. I checked the time. “Jesus, it's not even eight am and Clive is crawling up my ass already.” I remarked, rolling onto my back again. Matthew shifted to rest his chin on my chest, watching me with sleepy blue eyes.
“Duty calls right?” He commented and I reached up to brush my fingers through his dark hair, swallowing as I watched his eyes slip shut, relaxing against my touch. I hated every time that I had to leave this behind to answer Clive's summons.
“Yeah. He was pestering me yesterday as it was, despite the fact he knew I'd taken a personal day.”
“I still think Clive is an idiot when it comes to your transfer. A&M can't be hurting for a session drummer that much can they?” Matthew mused mostly to himself, extracting himself slowly, sitting up and ruffling his hands through his hair while I watched.
“I know. But it's just another year and a half and then I'll have my green card after Clive signs off on it. After that I can easily quit and move over to Milan instead.” I remarked, dropping the phone back on the nightstand.
“Speaking of moving..” Matthew started and I felt a sudden terror grip me. It had been building up, I just knew it had been, too many people had been mentioning it as of late. “I was just thinking is all, I mean, half of your stuff is here..”
“Matthew.. can we talk about this later please? I really need to get ready for work.” I hated the curt tone to my voice that made Matthew freeze and I sighed heavily. “Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just..”
“I understand. You should get to work before your boss keeps calling you. You want me to fix you breakfast or are you going to grab something on the way?” Matthew asked as he slipped from the bed, pulling on a pair of boxer briefs before pulling his robe on. He glanced back at me as he pasted on a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
“Matthew, please, don't do this.” I pleaded with him as I crawled over the bed to him, standing on my knees at the edge of the mattress as I reached for him. I pulled him into my arms and I felt his head drop to my shoulder.
“We'll talk about this later alright? I don't want to rush this right now. Besides, I think a few other people have to be consulted in the matter as well right?” I told him and I watched as he nodded. Nathan would likely pose no issue at all, but it would be safer to ask the boy about his opinion as well. And Kelly would have a say in it considering that Nathan would be spending time with his father as always. She had been a bit hesitant at first when I'd starting spending more time at Matthew's house but seemed easily appeased when we had agreed to keep my nights over to a minimum when Nathan was over.
“I know. I just.. I thought you'd be all for this step.” Matthew said softly and looked up at me. I had to look away from him, feeling ashamed for all the reasons I wasn't telling him, couldn't tell him. My phone buzzed again and Matthew pushed me away slightly, stepping from my embrace.
“Go on. Get yo work and we can talk about all this later. I'll make you something that you can take with you on the way.” Matthew said, heading for the kitchen. I groaned, falling back on the bed in an undignified heap.
“Fuck you Clive.” I muttered to the phone before answering it. “Yes?” I answered, trying to keep my tone from sounding too bitter.
“Dom! I've been trying to reach you for ages now, I need you right away, don't you know how unprofessional it is to keep me waiting?” Clive's voice practically oozed through the line. I suppressed a shudder.
“Yesterday was my day off remember? I'd put in the request ages ago!”
“Pish.. you always have time for your Clive and you know it. Anyways, I need you here now, there's a few things I need to talk to you about and there's some work to be done as well so get your pretty little ass down to the studio already.” There was a sudden silence from the other end of the line and then a beep from my phone and I realized that Clive had hung up. I sighed as I moved to get dressed, tossing the phone onto the bed. There was no getting around Clive when he had his mind set on something, it was a fact that I'd learned very quickly when working for him.
Matthew had been true to his word about preparing me something to eat on the go, a travel mug of my favorite coffee pressed into my hand as well as french toast cut into small, bite-sized pieces, the little container of it also pressed to me as I was preparing to head out the door. I gave a quick kiss to Matthew's lips, giving him a smile which he returned. Despite our small disagreement, I knew that he wasn't going to hold it against me and that tonight would be a better time to talk.
“Your place tonight? I'll get us some Thai take-away.” Matthew gave me a questioning look and I nodded.
“Sounds like a plan. I could do with some chicken Pad Thai.”
“Have a good day at work, don't let Clive get to you too much.” The scene was entirely domestic and I could see it happening more and more frequently as of late. I had to shake myself out of visions of the future of us together, living as a couple in Matthew's house. Right now was horrible timing, even thinking about it sent that nervous knot in my stomach to tightening.
“See you at six Bells.” I said with a final wave, slipping out the front door and headed to the studio where I knew Clive would be waiting for me, likely eager as ever to see me, hence the ever increasing frequency of calls and texts.
I truly hate myself at the moment as I made my way to the studio, lost in my thoughts. My situation of course was my own doing, there was no one else to blame for it. The problem with it was I could see no way out of it. Matthew was of course blissfully unaware of the situation and I was looking to ensure that it stayed that way. He had his own issues to deal with, raising a child, even a child as good as Nathan was, it was still a taxing affair. Even with the help of Kelly and Chris I could see the occasional strain of it wearing on Matthew. A single parent with occasional custody of his child, working in the music industry. Even a successful person would find moments where they could just not handle it.
Add to the factor that I was in the picture as Matthew's partner, working in this country under a Visa while trying to earn my Green Card. That was a monetary and legal strain that I didn't want to saddle upon anyone. Tom was aware of how I was sometimes seriously strapped for cash, thus why he would toss me some extra work when he needed the help. Sometimes even when he didn't need the help.
Granted, Tom didn't know all the details either. I had to admit to myself that I was embarrassed for even getting myself hung up in a mess of my own making.
I sighed as a ran a hand through my hair, mussing it up as I arrived at the studio, my thoughts consuming me completely as they ran in ever increasing circles through my mind during the drive over. Of course I was at that point so distracted by my thoughts that I failed to see Clive before it was too late and he pounced upon me.
“Dom! My sweet boy, how I've missed you!” He oozed as he cornered me when I walked into the room where I typically worked. I had been expecting a band in the studio, gearing up with the techs. Or at least one tech working on the setup of the studio. Instead it was just Clive, hair slicked back and turned dark from the gel he used, normally a lighter shade of brown. He was wearing trousers that were far too tight for him, trying to pull off the look of a hipster and doing it poorly as he had neither the style nor the body for it. Instead of the look of tight dark jeans that I know would look fantastic on Matthew, on Clive it looked like he was trying too hard. The red 'silk' shirt looked out of place, likely because it was a cheap polyester imitation, shiny fabric that didn't look good on anyone. His ever present shades looked ridiculous in the dim of the studio.
I backed up as Clive moved close in to me, his hands gripping at my arms to hold me as he planted an unwelcome kiss to my lips. Or I at least tried to back up, I found myself pressed up against the wall of the studio with Clive's always eager hands now wandering in places less than innocent.
Since meeting Matthew I'd been very careful about Clive. I'd never been left alone with him in room for more than a few minutes, tried to dodge his calls when I could. It worked for a time, I could go for a short period of time without appearing on Clive's radar. But apparently he'd had enough of whatever other little toy he'd had and was looking to pick up an old favorite again.
Lucky me.
“Clive. Stop.” I tried to make my voice as stern as possible, but inside I felt a stab of fear. This was the man who held my life in his hands.
“Oh? No foreplay today? Right down to business then? Well alright.” He said, a grin, on his face, looking less than disappointed in that prospect, though he did put a small pout on his face for a moment, playing at being hurt but the idea. I knew better though.
“No. I mean just that. Stop. I don't want to do this anymore.”
There was a tense silence in the room as Clive finally gave pause, his hands stilling where they were working my belt off. I shoved his hands away from me.
“What the hell is this about Dominic? I thought we had an agreement?”
“We did. I'm re-negotiating it. I want this to stop. I don't want for this to be anything more than a professional relationship anymore.” I said, trying to keep my nerves from making my voice quaver. Clive I could see wasn't buying it. He knew who held the cards and he knew that I knew it too. That sick, snake-oil smile made it certain.
“Oh darling Dominic, you are in no position to negotiate with me. Not yet at least. Perhaps on your back or on your knees however...” His lewd chuckle made me feel sick inside. “I'm the one who signs off on your Visa. That's coming up again soon isn't it? The renewal, one more year after that.. Unless..” He looked thoughtful for a moment.
“I think I was overhearing you talking to Charlie the other day about your fantastic boyfriend you've got, isn't he the one over at Milan? Trying to send us offers to steal you away from us... that's right. He's an English bastard too isn't he?” Clive's grin widened. “I can't imagine what he would think if you'd lost your Visa suddenly, or what if he found out about your little arrangement?”
“Clive.. please don't!” I felt that knot of dread tightening again. This was what I feared the most. I would just die if Matthew found out about this. Clive's smile reminded me of a shark's rictus grin, open mouthed and filled with teeth, a predator's smile.
“Well then my pretty little thing, why don't you just calm down and let your Clive take care of you? I'll sign your little papers that keep you here, let you live in this country. And your contract with A&M will keep going, none of this transfer shit over to Milan. You can keep working over this fool of a man if you want as long as you remember who fucking owns you.” During Clive's speech I watched him transform from the 'sugar daddy' persona that he adopted so well in this fake plastic world of Hollywood and the music industry of LA. In it's place I saw the true Clive. Vindictive, nasty, hollow of soul. I'd made a deal with a devil and now I was going to pay for it.
Clive reached a hand up, grasping my chin firmly so I had to face him fully.
“Dominic, my special boy. You know I've missed you so much lately over these past couple weeks. I hated that you were avoiding me. None of that now right? You come when I call you or else I just might have to tell your little whore just what you get up to during downtime in the studio.” Clive pulled his phone from his pocket then, tapping at the screen of the expensive device, pulling up an audio file and playing it for me. I listened in horror as I heard my own voice playing out in startling clarity for such a small set of speakers. There was no mistaking what it was. Clive had recorded us. I could hear his voice as well in the recording and I felt myself flush with shame as my other self begged for more.
If Matthew ever heard that, he'd never speak to me again. I didn't even want to confront myself for that matter, listening to how my voice sounded.
“Listen to you, such a pretty voice singing out how much you love our little trysts.” Clive cut through my thoughts, pulling me forcibly to the present before sealing his mouth on mine, pulling a kiss from me. I didn't return it, not that Clive seemed to mind. In fact, sickeningly so, he seemed all the more turned on my my reluctance as the audio file continued to play as a soundtrack to his wandering, groping hands as he stripped me down.
I felt betrayed by my own body as it reacted naturally to being stimulated thusly. But my mind was completely elsewhere, trying to keep my thoughts on Matthew as Clive took his pleasure in me. I was doing this for Matthew. That thought ran through my head as a mantra. I was doing this for Matthew so that he didn't have to know what kind of trouble I'd gotten myself into, so that I could stay with him, so that I wasn't shipped back to England like a whipped and beaten dog. It shamed me to my core that I had put myself into this position and couldn't find my way out now, save for a year from now when Clive signed on my Visa one last time and I would be free of him.
Until then I'd have to keep this tightly wrapped, keep Matthew from wanting me to move in with him, keep him from seeing the bruises and bites that Clive always seemed to leave behind on my body, his way of marking his toys. I was just a toy for him and I knew it.
I loved Matthew with my entire being and I didn't want to keep this part of myself secret, but I knew I had to. He wouldn't understand the foolish mistake I'd made, wouldn't understand how much it was haunting me now that I had fallen in love with him, now that I was no longer alone.
I tried not to feel how Clive abused me, how different he felt from Matthew's tender touches, how Clive never prepared me nearly enough before slipping his way inside. I suddenly realized that Clive, who up until then always used a condom, wasn't wearing one. It was never that he was concerned about my heath, he was self centered enough to only worry about himself catching something that he'd have issue with trying to explain to his wife. Apparently that wasn't the case anymore. I panicked, squirming and trying to get away but Clive had me sufficiently pinned down and all I could do was take his abuse.
It felt like forever before he was finished with me and let me go, partly to get cleaned up after he had emptied inside of me and partly so I could about my duties of the day. I Was trying my hardest to sit on the stool behind the studio drum kit, the pain of my body nowhere near as bad as the pain I felt inside of trying to keep this secret from my friends, from Matthew. I couldn't even bring myself to be my usual cheery self as the techs chattered around me that afternoon, having given up on trying to draw me into their conversation about some new movie that everyone was talking about.
I felt sick.