AUGH!
Well, at least I don't have to learn how to say "no" to Lisa anymore when she wants to hang out and I'm not in the mood...
She called me up to bring up a "problem" she had observed when I spent time with her. Specifically, that I would verbally attack her and tear her down in the presence of others, but we'd be cool in other circumstances. This is not a behavior I have ever observed in myself. Sometimes I get more personal in an argument then I should, but it never has anything to do with the presence of additional people. In fact, I'm usually more likely to do it in private discussions.
I pressed her for a specific example. She cited a discussion we had had coming back up to SB after this last visit, when her friend was in the car with her. Getting her impressions of what had been said, and laying down what I remembered saying, it was clear we had entirely different interpretations of the conversation. I told her, clearly, what I knew I had stated, what I remembered saying, and what my intent was. She kept going back to the point that I had been somehow tearing her down, when I know I hadn't been. The conversation wasn't even about her personally.
Now, when I tried to explore the details and get in to what I had intended and why I don't believe I had been attacking her, she got increasingly agitated. She stated she was just trying to make me aware of a pattern in my behavior. I said I didn't believe it was a pattern, and continued trying to disect the example she had given. She stated that if I couldn't own up to this behavior she couldn't maintain a friendship with me. When I started to get increasingly annoyed, because I felt I was getting exclusive blame for something that was not exclusively my own problem, and it didn't seem she was listening to my attempts to rationally dissect the situation, she eventually hung up on me.
Now, I want to put out the question, and please answer honestly. Has anybody else ever observed this behaviour in me? Do I tend to make personal attacks on my friends when in the presence of other people?
If this is a pattern in my behavior that others have observed, then I should go give Lisa an apology, and begin working on improving myself there.
However, if it is, as I suspect, resulting from Lisa acting more defensive when in the presence of others, thereby triggering my own defensiveness and escalating arguments, then it's not something I'm overly worried about, and it's probably for the best that I don't associate with her anymore.
She called me up to bring up a "problem" she had observed when I spent time with her. Specifically, that I would verbally attack her and tear her down in the presence of others, but we'd be cool in other circumstances. This is not a behavior I have ever observed in myself. Sometimes I get more personal in an argument then I should, but it never has anything to do with the presence of additional people. In fact, I'm usually more likely to do it in private discussions.
I pressed her for a specific example. She cited a discussion we had had coming back up to SB after this last visit, when her friend was in the car with her. Getting her impressions of what had been said, and laying down what I remembered saying, it was clear we had entirely different interpretations of the conversation. I told her, clearly, what I knew I had stated, what I remembered saying, and what my intent was. She kept going back to the point that I had been somehow tearing her down, when I know I hadn't been. The conversation wasn't even about her personally.
Now, when I tried to explore the details and get in to what I had intended and why I don't believe I had been attacking her, she got increasingly agitated. She stated she was just trying to make me aware of a pattern in my behavior. I said I didn't believe it was a pattern, and continued trying to disect the example she had given. She stated that if I couldn't own up to this behavior she couldn't maintain a friendship with me. When I started to get increasingly annoyed, because I felt I was getting exclusive blame for something that was not exclusively my own problem, and it didn't seem she was listening to my attempts to rationally dissect the situation, she eventually hung up on me.
Now, I want to put out the question, and please answer honestly. Has anybody else ever observed this behaviour in me? Do I tend to make personal attacks on my friends when in the presence of other people?
If this is a pattern in my behavior that others have observed, then I should go give Lisa an apology, and begin working on improving myself there.
However, if it is, as I suspect, resulting from Lisa acting more defensive when in the presence of others, thereby triggering my own defensiveness and escalating arguments, then it's not something I'm overly worried about, and it's probably for the best that I don't associate with her anymore.