The Passion of...
If you ever have a chance to volunteer for something, don't do it. Remember, free labor is an early step to communism. Make sure that you at least get some free food in return. Bartering is a lost art, and if you use the term "fair market value" enough, you can probably strong arm your way into an extra slice of pizza (or glass of juice) by simply out smarting someone who isn't quite as familiar with the practice of bartering. But the point is that if you give without expecting anything in return, you establish a dependency on the part of whatever volunteer organization you're providing with free labor. The reason I bring this up is that I've been spending a lot of time working for this literary magazine, and here's what's happened to me: I'm now morbidly obese from eating crackers as I search the web for possible sources of funding, I have carpal tunnel from typing out e-mails to potential donors and also from taking breaks to masterbate to internet porn, I no longer wear pants, I am not able to be out in the sun anymore because I've been in my apartment and the office so much, and from spending so much time alone I've been able to reflect on things and realize that I am the "ow" in "now." While it may seem that this would be an exhilerating and freeing epiphany, it's actually been horribly depressing, because it's made me realize that I am personally responsible for so much of the evil in the world. It's almost entirely me, Donald Rumsfeld, and Carson Daly. Oh dear.