(no subject)
something that has been troubling me as of late...
ever since i moved to santa fe i have been trying to make nice with my ex (who also lives here) and cultivate some sort of friendship. it started out alright--we sat down together and had some closure then went for a walk and another time made dinner--but lately things have taken a turn for the worse. now maybe she just makes a really awful friend, but something in me says that this simply isn't the case.
when i first got sick she stayed in touch more often and offered to bring me whatever i might need. (though i thought it very sweet, i never took her up on her offer because i had other folks here taking care of me.) then i went to minnesota for two months and didn't hear from her the entire time. granted i did not call or email her personally (i had been trying to leave the ball in her court), though i did include her in all my group emails that i sent out. my birthday came and went while i was there... keep in mind that i'm not that big on my birthday and i really don't care if most folks even know that it's my birthday, but when *i know* that someone *knows* it's my birthday and they choose to not say anything, that stings a bit. and *i know* that she *knew* it was my birthday because not that long ago some of my friends were discussing scorpios, swearing up and down that i had to be the third scorpio they knew...(this was all told to me later by one of these mistaken friends) and my ex kept saying, "no, she's not." and they kept going on about it and finally my ex busted out with: "no, kiki's not a scorpio. her birthday is october 13th--that makes her a libra." and everyone was kinda surprised and baffled, but figured they should trust such tenacious certainty. (this group of folks didn't know that she and i had dated.) another friend who was staying with me recently told me that she had once forced herself to *not* contact her ex on her birthday, even though she was definitely thinking of her on that day, simply to create a boundary--that celebrating birthdays was something they had done when they were together and now that they weren't, she needed to have that boundary in place.
okay. fine. so i got over the birthday thing. then my ex wrote me an email a couple days before thanksgiving, checking in to see how i was, if i was back in town, updating me on her life, that kind of thing. and i thought that this was a nice gesture on her part, a reaching out, and so my high hopes of friendship came flying back. i responded with a somewhat more lengthy email, answering all her questions, asking her a few in return, and updating her on the fact that i was yet again just recently out of the hospital, the tapering of the meds was up again and quite frustrating, and there was the possibility of this scary surgery in the future if things continued this way.
didn't hear from her.
then *her* birthday rolled around. and i figured that the whole "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" policy was best, so i sent her an ecard with a very brief happy birthday message. then a couple days later (a few days ago now), she sends me an email saying that she's been super busy, moving into a new place and all that, saying that she'll give me a ring when she gets more settled. the part that got me was in the beginning when she says that i sound good and that it sounds like the treatment and meds have been working. asking me how this one in particular is going.
ouch.
ouch.ouch.ouch.
this means that she didn't even *bother* to read my email that i had *bothered* to take the time to write to her. i can understand if you get really busy, open an email you don't really have time to read right now, skim it and save it for later... but don't email someone back with questions they already answered, deciding that just because someone has a sunny disposition that all of a sudden their health has taken a turn for the better, making it obvious that you hadn't read through what they wrote you.
so i've been sitting on this email the last few days, trying to figure out how to respond, if at all. the biggest problem is that in said email she mentions (and this is all news to me) having a partner, that they just moved in together, got a puppy, are happy in making a home together, all that fun stuff. and i fear that if i choose to not respond or if i respond with something that could be viewed as hostile (ie: hey jerkface, if you really want to know how i'm doing, why don't you go back and actually *read* what i wrote you!), then she'll view it as jealousy. i would, so i can only imagine that someone else would too. (the truth being that i'm actually not jealous, which is kinda surprising to me because i freely admit that i am often a jealous person, ugly as it can be.) so i feel like i'm stuck. between a rock and a sticky, squishy, smelly place.
i feel that if this is the type of friendship she's offering me, then i would choose to pass. but if i say that now, it will just look like i don't want to be her friend because all of a sudden she has a partner and is living in domestic bliss. the theme that's been running around my head as of late is: i'd rather be delightfully surprised by an acquaintance than continually disappointed by a friend. like i said, *maybe* she treats all of her friends like this...but somehow i doubt it. i want to believe that (at least in *most* aspects of her life) she is that wonderful, amazing creature i knew back when. i still carry around a lot of guilt about damaging her heart and so i'm glad that she's repaired it enough to pair up with someone new. maybe she still doesn't quite trust me and, hence, is trying to keep some distance. okay. enough already. i'm driving myself crazy over this. congratulations if you made it this far.
wholeheartedly welcoming any suggestions to this dilemma.
ever since i moved to santa fe i have been trying to make nice with my ex (who also lives here) and cultivate some sort of friendship. it started out alright--we sat down together and had some closure then went for a walk and another time made dinner--but lately things have taken a turn for the worse. now maybe she just makes a really awful friend, but something in me says that this simply isn't the case.
when i first got sick she stayed in touch more often and offered to bring me whatever i might need. (though i thought it very sweet, i never took her up on her offer because i had other folks here taking care of me.) then i went to minnesota for two months and didn't hear from her the entire time. granted i did not call or email her personally (i had been trying to leave the ball in her court), though i did include her in all my group emails that i sent out. my birthday came and went while i was there... keep in mind that i'm not that big on my birthday and i really don't care if most folks even know that it's my birthday, but when *i know* that someone *knows* it's my birthday and they choose to not say anything, that stings a bit. and *i know* that she *knew* it was my birthday because not that long ago some of my friends were discussing scorpios, swearing up and down that i had to be the third scorpio they knew...(this was all told to me later by one of these mistaken friends) and my ex kept saying, "no, she's not." and they kept going on about it and finally my ex busted out with: "no, kiki's not a scorpio. her birthday is october 13th--that makes her a libra." and everyone was kinda surprised and baffled, but figured they should trust such tenacious certainty. (this group of folks didn't know that she and i had dated.) another friend who was staying with me recently told me that she had once forced herself to *not* contact her ex on her birthday, even though she was definitely thinking of her on that day, simply to create a boundary--that celebrating birthdays was something they had done when they were together and now that they weren't, she needed to have that boundary in place.
okay. fine. so i got over the birthday thing. then my ex wrote me an email a couple days before thanksgiving, checking in to see how i was, if i was back in town, updating me on her life, that kind of thing. and i thought that this was a nice gesture on her part, a reaching out, and so my high hopes of friendship came flying back. i responded with a somewhat more lengthy email, answering all her questions, asking her a few in return, and updating her on the fact that i was yet again just recently out of the hospital, the tapering of the meds was up again and quite frustrating, and there was the possibility of this scary surgery in the future if things continued this way.
didn't hear from her.
then *her* birthday rolled around. and i figured that the whole "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" policy was best, so i sent her an ecard with a very brief happy birthday message. then a couple days later (a few days ago now), she sends me an email saying that she's been super busy, moving into a new place and all that, saying that she'll give me a ring when she gets more settled. the part that got me was in the beginning when she says that i sound good and that it sounds like the treatment and meds have been working. asking me how this one in particular is going.
ouch.
ouch.ouch.ouch.
this means that she didn't even *bother* to read my email that i had *bothered* to take the time to write to her. i can understand if you get really busy, open an email you don't really have time to read right now, skim it and save it for later... but don't email someone back with questions they already answered, deciding that just because someone has a sunny disposition that all of a sudden their health has taken a turn for the better, making it obvious that you hadn't read through what they wrote you.
so i've been sitting on this email the last few days, trying to figure out how to respond, if at all. the biggest problem is that in said email she mentions (and this is all news to me) having a partner, that they just moved in together, got a puppy, are happy in making a home together, all that fun stuff. and i fear that if i choose to not respond or if i respond with something that could be viewed as hostile (ie: hey jerkface, if you really want to know how i'm doing, why don't you go back and actually *read* what i wrote you!), then she'll view it as jealousy. i would, so i can only imagine that someone else would too. (the truth being that i'm actually not jealous, which is kinda surprising to me because i freely admit that i am often a jealous person, ugly as it can be.) so i feel like i'm stuck. between a rock and a sticky, squishy, smelly place.
i feel that if this is the type of friendship she's offering me, then i would choose to pass. but if i say that now, it will just look like i don't want to be her friend because all of a sudden she has a partner and is living in domestic bliss. the theme that's been running around my head as of late is: i'd rather be delightfully surprised by an acquaintance than continually disappointed by a friend. like i said, *maybe* she treats all of her friends like this...but somehow i doubt it. i want to believe that (at least in *most* aspects of her life) she is that wonderful, amazing creature i knew back when. i still carry around a lot of guilt about damaging her heart and so i'm glad that she's repaired it enough to pair up with someone new. maybe she still doesn't quite trust me and, hence, is trying to keep some distance. okay. enough already. i'm driving myself crazy over this. congratulations if you made it this far.
wholeheartedly welcoming any suggestions to this dilemma.