Therapy Session #6
Peter sat in the chair and staring at the far wall. He hadn't said a word since he walked in, hadn't asked about Isaac, hadn't done anything but stare at the wall.
"I don't care if you just want to sit here and say nothing but it's an expensive session to say nothing." Christina poked at the soul of Peter's shoe with her pencil, not one to comment that he had taken the exact same posture in the armchair that Isaac had a few moments earlier.
"I was drinking." Not that he thought that was right, that wasn't what was bothering him. "Isaac and I went dancing and... and I hit on him." He closed his eyes. "More than usual."
"Do you blame the alcohol?"
Peter shook his head. "No. He was just... he was staring at me and I couldn't look away and then we were dancing with this girl but... I didn't want her to be there. I just wanted him. I wanted him there, with me." He sighed. "I'm falling for him, Christina. I don't care if it's never more than this I just... I want him there. With me and Lacey and..."
He groaned, head falling back on his shoulder as he stared up at the ceiling. "How can I be falling in love with someone I can't even date,' he asked, voice filled with the emotional pain of what he was coping with.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"We went to a club and then, I didn't even realize how things went but then we were dancing with this girl between us. I don't even know how she could breathe. We, Isaac and me, we were holding hands and couldn't look away from each other and then... I touched his cheek and this girl was talking about us being together and... I freaked. I bolted. He... he followed me. He could have gone home with her and he followed me. Then he brought me home. He said... He said he was going to go paint so that he didn't fuck this up with me. He just kept staring at me and..."
Peter slumped, closing his eyes tight. "I'm making something out of nothingg and it's killing me. I don't want to push him away."
"Have you thought to ask him if it is?"
Peter nodded. "I asked him if I was fucking things up and he said no, that its fine."
"But you're still worried?"
Peter nodded. "Do you know why you're worried?"
"Because I don't know what to do. For a moment last night? It felt like he felt what I was feeling. It was like... like maybe he could feel that way but..." Peter shook his head. "I don't want to ruin things. He's the best friend I've got, the one person I can turn to with anything and..."
"Have you thought about not worrying about it? To just go on with the way you're doing things and see what happens?"
"That... that's my plan. Except for the part about not worrying,' he said with a dry chuckle. "I don't think I can stop worrying about it."
"Why not?"
"Because if I stop worrying about it all, then I think I'm going to end up doing something I'll regret. Or that'll make him leave."
"Would that be a bad thing?"
Peter nodded, shifting as his gaze went towards the door. "It would be the end of my world,' he whispered with a sigh. "Can we..."
"I'll see you next appointment,' Christina agreed, nodding.
"Thanks,' he whispered, stepping to the waiting room, nervous to see Isaac and more nervous to not see him.
"I don't care if you just want to sit here and say nothing but it's an expensive session to say nothing." Christina poked at the soul of Peter's shoe with her pencil, not one to comment that he had taken the exact same posture in the armchair that Isaac had a few moments earlier.
"I was drinking." Not that he thought that was right, that wasn't what was bothering him. "Isaac and I went dancing and... and I hit on him." He closed his eyes. "More than usual."
"Do you blame the alcohol?"
Peter shook his head. "No. He was just... he was staring at me and I couldn't look away and then we were dancing with this girl but... I didn't want her to be there. I just wanted him. I wanted him there, with me." He sighed. "I'm falling for him, Christina. I don't care if it's never more than this I just... I want him there. With me and Lacey and..."
He groaned, head falling back on his shoulder as he stared up at the ceiling. "How can I be falling in love with someone I can't even date,' he asked, voice filled with the emotional pain of what he was coping with.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"We went to a club and then, I didn't even realize how things went but then we were dancing with this girl between us. I don't even know how she could breathe. We, Isaac and me, we were holding hands and couldn't look away from each other and then... I touched his cheek and this girl was talking about us being together and... I freaked. I bolted. He... he followed me. He could have gone home with her and he followed me. Then he brought me home. He said... He said he was going to go paint so that he didn't fuck this up with me. He just kept staring at me and..."
Peter slumped, closing his eyes tight. "I'm making something out of nothingg and it's killing me. I don't want to push him away."
"Have you thought to ask him if it is?"
Peter nodded. "I asked him if I was fucking things up and he said no, that its fine."
"But you're still worried?"
Peter nodded. "Do you know why you're worried?"
"Because I don't know what to do. For a moment last night? It felt like he felt what I was feeling. It was like... like maybe he could feel that way but..." Peter shook his head. "I don't want to ruin things. He's the best friend I've got, the one person I can turn to with anything and..."
"Have you thought about not worrying about it? To just go on with the way you're doing things and see what happens?"
"That... that's my plan. Except for the part about not worrying,' he said with a dry chuckle. "I don't think I can stop worrying about it."
"Why not?"
"Because if I stop worrying about it all, then I think I'm going to end up doing something I'll regret. Or that'll make him leave."
"Would that be a bad thing?"
Peter nodded, shifting as his gaze went towards the door. "It would be the end of my world,' he whispered with a sigh. "Can we..."
"I'll see you next appointment,' Christina agreed, nodding.
"Thanks,' he whispered, stepping to the waiting room, nervous to see Isaac and more nervous to not see him.