cuz' i don't shine if you don't shine: an akiharu fst
This FST has been months in the making, with me auditioning out tons and tons of different songs for the maximum Akiharu celebration. Recently I purchased a boatload of music from iTunes, and a couple of those songs seemed good enough for the FST, finally rounding out the selection. So I went and got a hold of shareable MP3s and now I have an FST you all can download, for your ultimate Akiharu pleasure.
1. Stay, Miley Cyrus
And I love you more than I did before
And if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place
It gets harder everyday
Say you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry it's this way
But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home
And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay
(Akimaru)
Akimaruuu. ;;;__;;; His best feature is his undying, disgustingly comprehensive Haruna-love. This song is so beautiful and yet so over-the-top emo. I believe in you, ero megane!!!!!
2. A Mistake, Fiona Apple
I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure had fun, so
I'm gonna fuck it up again
(Haruna)
This highlights what I see as something that is both a great strength and a great weakness in Haruna-- he takes the phrase "the perfect is the enemy of the good" a little too much to heart. Plus I love how bratty this song is-- that's Haruna, to a fault. "Do I want to do right? Of course! But do I really want to feel I'm forced to answer you? Hell no!"
And then there is the whole adorably innocent arrogance of the rhetorical question, repeated several times: "why can't I make a mistake?" Because of course Haruna is perfect and can't make mistakes even when he tries. Of course.
3. Memory, Sugarcult
This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.
So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.
(Akimaru)
Akimaruuuu. ;;;___;;; I love how this song plays on several meanings of the word "memory" to create layers of regret: "can I be your memory" can mean "will you remember me, when this is all over?" But it also can mean "can I be the thing you think most about, so much so that I fill your memories?"
And in an Akimaru-specific detail, it can also mean "can I be the one who remembers all the tedious things you don't bother to remember, like people's names and what time we need to make it to the game on Saturday, and where to acquire toilet paper when the men's room is out, and what all of your favourite snacks are?"
Because even in his most self-pitying moments of emo, he'll never be so caught up that he can't find it in him to snark at Haruna.
4. The Middle, Jimmy Eat World
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
(Haruna)
I think the main thing that annoys Haruna about Akimaru is that Akimaru doesn't believe in himself as much as Haruna believes in him. It really struck me in the manga, how Haruna was entirely convinced that if Akimaru had actually applied himself to baseball, that he had it in him to be really good at it. A part of that of course relates to Haruna's belief in The Value Of Hard Work, the idea that anyone can improve if they only they work hard at it. But Haruna isn't so much of a moron that he can't appreciate that different people make it to different levels, regardless of how hard they work.
And so for me, this song is about cheering on his childhood best friend, someone whose potential, at least, he's never failed to believe in.
5. Virgin State of Mind, K's Choice
Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear
To cut out words I've got written on my chair
Like do you think I'm sexy
Do you think I really care
Can I burn the mazes I grow
Can I, I don't think so
(Akimaru)
This song used to be one of my Ken songs (from Digimon), and so I've loved it for a long time, but recently I realized that it was even more appropriate for Akimaru. Mostly because Akimaru's creepy and Ken's not-- I'm pretty sure the inside of Akimaru's head is a very unsettling place, mostly because he's got all the normal range of emotions and morality and stuff, but all oriented towards Haruna, who is his whole fucking universe. Creepy, man, creepy! So of course he's got a prison-like throne in his head where he sits and tortures himself with thoughts about Haruna.
6. Swing Life Away, Rise Against
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
(Haruna)
This is one of the final songs I added to this FST. I first heard about Rise Against on the Jim Rome sports talk radio show, and so I've always associated this punk-rock band with sports. Most of Rise Against's music is hardcore and heavy and loud, but this song really struck me with how sweet it is. This is kind of the open, innocent sweetness you sometimes see in 100% all-American boys, the golden boys of sports... men so manly they go right through to the other side and embrace their emotions in a completely un-self-conscious way, who wear pink and cry openly at sappy movies, and dare you to make fun of them for it since they'll beat your face in if you try to even intimate that such behavior is inappropriate in a man. Progressive-minded neanderthals, pretty much.
Haruna is this kind of guy, and this is his kind of a song.
7. Perfect Situation, Weezer
What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain.
There's the pitch, slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing
and I'm a hero, but I'm a zero.
Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
And I just pass through
(Akimaru)
This song becomes 1,000x more hilarious when you replace "girl" and "girls" with "Haruna." Especially the second verse-- all of the sudden it's a pissy, pushy emo rant about Abe.
8. Coming Home, Diddy- Dirty Money & Skylar Grey
"A House is Not a Home", I hate this song
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone
And niggas got the nerve to blame you for it
And you know you woulda took the bullet if you saw it
But you felt it and still feel it
And money can't make up for it or conceal it
But you deal with it and you keep ballin'
Pour out some liquor, play ball and we keep ballin'
Baby we've been living in sin 'cause we've been really in love
But we've been living as friends
So you've been a guest in your own home
It's time to make your house your home
Pick up your phone, come on
(Haruna)
The first verse of this song only halfway fits Haruna, but the rest is so entirely perfect that this has become my theme song for him in regards to the fanfic I'm writing with todaythesamesky.
9. I Don't Believe You, The Magnetic Fields
So you quote love unquote me
Well, stranger things have come to be
But let's agree to disagree
Cause I don't believe you
I don't believe you
You tell me I'm not not cute
Its truth or falsity is moot
Cause honesty's not your strong suit
And I don't believe you
I don't believe you
(Akimaru)
Why no. Akimaru is not bitter AT ALL. What I love about this song as it relates to Akimaru is the sense of playful ironic detachment, even from his own most painfully obsessive lust for Haruna. Akimaru is a lot funnier than Haruna in a lot of ways, at least when it comes to intentional humor... Haruna is hilarious simply being Haruna, but it's not like he tries to be an adorable imp of ninja mischief-- it happens naturally. And so the out-and-out cleverness of this song, the totally strong lyrics pointing to self-deprecating self-awareness of how creepy he actually is, deep down: all Akimaru.
10. Read My Mind, The Killers
Oh well I don't mind, if you don't mind
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go, can you read my mind?
It’s funny how you just break down
Waitin' on some sign
I pull up to the front of your driveway
With magic soakin' my spine
Can you read my mind?
"I don't shine if you don't shine." Haruna's true feelings, distilled to their deepest essence. Of course, he's capable of making it as a famous beloved baseball star without Akimaru, but on a greater and higher level yes he really is this cheesy and in love with Akimaru. ;;__;;
(Haruna)
11. The Luckiest, Ben Folds
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
(Akimaru)
THIS IS THE CREEPIEST. I've never heard a more touching and yet undeniably creepy declaration of total love, so of course it's the perfect Akimaru song to take the second-to-last slot on this soundtrack.
Sadly, the version of this song I found online has a few extra seconds of silence at the end, and so to make this soundtrack perfect you might need to acquire a legit copy of your own... this was the only one I could find to torrent.
12. Didn't Know But It, Yuki Kajiura
(instrumental- Haruna and Akimaru)
This song is from .hack//liminality, and so fits on a thematic level, since liminality is about blurring the boundaries between discrete objects, like online vs. offline life, or in the case of Akiharu, the boundaries of personal space and identity that separate most people.
Akimaru and Haruna been together since they were children, so this innocent and sweetly hopeful piano piece kind of encompasses all the wordless things I feel about this pairing. Where they've been, where they're going. What it all means, these feelings between them. Everything.
AKIHARU FST: DOWNLOAD LINK