I belong to you
Title: I belong to you
Author: heroineanilem
Disclaimer: They belong to history, this is pure fiction and I don't make money out of it.
Summary: Hephaestion is always there for Alexander, but sometimes he, also, needs reassurance.
Warning:Adult
Feedback:Please
A/N: One of the scenes was inspired by MR's FFH.
I belong to you
The last days of spring in Gordium turned out to be real pleasure for the Macedonian soldiers weary of the winter hardship they laid behind upon entering the ancient city and, also for those who finally came as reinforcement from the Greek city states and Macedonia.
Alexandros was pleased to find the mild landscape of the Phrygian satrapy stretching before him, its pebbled, fertile soil broken only by rare girdles of poplars. It was still damp from winter humidity and blanket of snow, though spring had already come, and Alexandros couldn't but like its crudity and sharp, intoxicating smell. It reminded him of Makedonia and its lowlands and farmers and peaceful life he hated so much, as he told Hephaestion that evening, smiling shyly with uncertainty in glistening eyes.
The gigantic snake of soldiers, craftsmen, doctors, traders, whores and slaves kept moving northwards, peacefully entering the citadel at Calaenae that surrendered freely with its lavish palaces and parks. There, Alexandros left Antigonus and moved on to old, half-forgotten Gordium, once the capital of Phrygia.
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Now, at the end of May, Hephaestion found he liked it here, far away on the Royal Road with the enemy dangerously silent; and even with clamour of arms in the South, he loved the rare feeling of laziness creeping up his bones. In the warm Phrygian sun he felt again like a carefree boy.
On the last day, before leaving this serene place, Hephaestion made his way through the tangled mass of soldiers and inhabitants joined in the palace courtyard, around the famous chariot in which Gordion drew himself into the city. Looking at it for the first time, it looked like more of a cart, pulled by oxen, than the warrior chariot of a king to be.
Still, it wasn't the cart he was straining to watch, but a figure standing on the platform next to it, radiating the sun reflected on his shining armour. He muttered a curse under his breath, when a giant of a man blocked his view, but then he used his power as king's companion to get access to the first row. From there he could watch Alexandros carefully, hoping beyond hope to be able to help him if necessary.
For a moment nothing existed before him, but Alexandros. He could see every frown deeply engraved in the high forehead, turning darker as shadow descended on the face, could sense the twitch of golden eyebrows rising in impatience and the invisible bite on the soft, warm inside of the lower lip, Alexandros' habit. His own eyes narrowed in intense concentration.
The young Macedonian king stood high on the marble platform where the cart was placed, remaining there without any movement for some time, legs wide apart and arms crossed, cupping his chin in thought. He didn't move, didn't shudder or tense and it was only the light breeze playing with flaxen locks that differed him from a Phidias' statue gilded in pure gold. Hephaestion didn't need to see, but simply knew that all eyes were drawn to the radiant figure, if not intrigued about the outcome, than unmistakably in rapture, as he himself had been so many times.
Watching Alexandros intently, Hephaestion couldn't help his straying to last evening. They'd been lying on the furs in front of the fire in Alexandros' chambers, cradling goblets of unmixed wine and talking softly. In fact, he couldn't remember himself saying much; it was only Alexandros speaking his dreams and desires and Hephaestion had been lost in them once more, instead of pondering them. If he had, Alexandros might not be standing in front of this cursed chariot thinking of a riddle which he had no time to solve. Even if he'd tried, he didn't think he would've been able to turn Alexandros from this idea, for it was the only way now to show his earnest desire-to be the sole lord of Asia, of the Persian Empire.
Listening to his beloved's longings he'd felt awkwardly ignored. He would never deny Alexandros the whole world he craved for, but couldn't stop feeling unneeded, though deep inside he knew, all too well, that the insecure boy, who often ran to his arms and the youth who lived on his kisses, would always call for him.
Before his thoughts could turn back to the chariot, which no man had ever been able to undo from the yoke it was bound to, and Alexandros, who started pacing slowly around it, as a young lion watching a succulent prey, a heavy hand descended upon his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. Yet, it didn't stop Hephaestion tensing and at the last moment repressing the urge to strike. The young companion turned around to see a sandy blond head just behind his, while still checking on his beloved with a tenderness he hoped none had seen.
“Oh, it's you Perdikkas.”, whispered Hephaestion, turning slightly, acknowledging the friend.
Perdikkas only sighed deeply and whispered into Hephaestion's ear, making sure that no one else heard him: “Couldn't you, at least, stop him from this performance, when none of us could. His voice wasn't blaming, only a bit concerned. “
“Have faith in him. He always finds a solution. “
Perdikkas nodded absentmindedly, his attention captured by Alexandros' tries to untie the knot; the agile fingers dancing on the strands, pulling on them strongly and unsuccessfully. No, he didn't doubt Alexandros, Perdikkas thought, but he didn't understand unnecessary exposure to any kind of danger; and this was superfluous, and could be dangerous. No, he didn't doubt Alexandros. He was simply caring for his King, his friend.
“I only hope this was essential.”,Perdikkas sighed.
“You know it was.”,Hephaestion's voice took on a protective note, as always when talking about the King. His friend smiled a bit amused at that; it was nothing new and though they weren't any more the mere boys in Aristoteles' school, they, nevertheless, were youths in their souls.
“This way he will show the whole world who is the rightful lord of Asia.”, Hephaestion continued. He didn't mention that the chariot was dedicated to a Phrygian god, identified with Zeus.”And we know he needed a diversion to keep up morale; it took Parmenion too much time to come with reinforcements and the news about the Persian sea-offensive didn't sit well with the soldiers. “
Perdikkas didn't answer and both companions watched in labored silence Alexandros' fruitless attempts.
As the time went by, Hephaestion saw the signs of tension on his beloved's face. There was annoyance in his deep set eyes, flashing a dangerous glare, dark like the heaven before a summer storm. The full lips were compressed in a thin line and the high forehead showed deep lines of concentration. He could sense his rising anger and involuntarily shuddered at it.
From across the circle, Hephaestion felt a glance on himself, seeing Ptolomy's eyes seeking his and a small, friendly smile of understanding. He knew how much the other general liked Alexandros and he nodded in acknowledgment.
“Do you think he really believes in all this, or is it just a charade?”,a whisper came behind him.
“It doesn't matter what he believes in, when we all know what he wants.-a barely audible, irritated answer came. “
“I don't care if he thinks Zeus sired him instead of Philippos, but I don't think he needs that flatterer of a prophet to tell him that. “
Hephaestion sighed heavily, when his friend addressed this at such an inappropriate time. He didn’t want to discuss Alexandros’ personal beliefs, not now when displeased murmurs started rising around them.
“It's not about Aristander and you know it, as well as that the Phrygians lived in Makedonia once upon a time. By doing this he simply connects them to us and, hence, takes away the Persian right to rule over them.” ,his voice became a hiss.
“I know that and I pray to all the gods who could help him. “
Hephaestion smiled, knowing of Perdikkas' indisputable loyalty to Alexandros, whatever he himself might think.
Hephaestion's thoughts and apprehension were broken with a streak of light playing on an iron blade, dazzling him for a moment; in the back of his mind he registered the clangour caused by metal clashing. Instinctively, he reached for his sword, focusing on Alexandros. There was no danger, except in the stormy gray eyes that locked themselves to his for a split second and Hephaestion found himself smiling encouragingly. Alexandros searched his for approval and he got it; and before he could drown in the welcome sensation, Hephaestion realized the gravity of the consequences his blessing would have.
With a swift, elegant motion Alexandros brought down the edge of his sword, cutting the rope, which tied the chariot to the yoke, unuttered war song falling from his lips.
In one single movement he released them, let the imaginary bulls storm mindlessly across the Asian land, plundering everything that came in their way, plowing fertile soil, soaking it with blood, sowing her sons' lives, so that, again, it would become rich and ready to conceive new civilization. One stroke changed everything. There was no turning back now.
Hephaestion glanced over known, present faces. There was commotion everywhere. The young generals, his companions, were cheering, laughing and rushing to hug Alexandros. The new lord of Asia was proclaimed and the young forces will follow him faithfully. Hephaestion's look rested on Parmenion, who was smiling pleasantly, but he doubted his eagerness. Once the bulls are loosed to run, Alexandros will follow, and young general asked himself what would happen to the old, remaining cart. Soon, the King will disentangle himself from the lousy, illusory net, which tied him to Hellas and her goals, leaving him free for his own aims. Hephaestion was certain it wouldn't sit well with Phillippos' old elite, but he hoped they'd be clever enough to let their sons gain from Persian wealth.
The bulls will run through Asia, crossing the Persian Empire, leaving the chariot, never to return again.
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Alexandros pushed the heavy, oak door ajar, just enough to slip inside unnoticed. The thick, stone walls of the aged palace kept away the sounds of flute and drums, the high, laughing shrieks of prostitutes, the drunken bets. He left the komos early; he'd drunk his share, laughed enough, boasted with other companions, and now that most of them were oblivious with wine, he came in search of a silhouette that had disappeared silently after the toasts.
His sharp vision spotted a figure sitting at the desk in a distant corner of the room. He wanted to move, but remained on the spot, enjoying the pleasant, refreshing silence, only interrupted by slow, regular breathing. Steadily, he made his way towards the sitting form, coming to the halt behind him. He always wondered if he could surprise Hephaestion, but before he acted he leaned back, knowing the strong body was waiting for him.
Alexandros lowered his left arm to pass around his lover's waist, setting on his stomach, forcing him gently to recline in a warm embrace. Muscles of Hephaestion's stomach tensed under his touch and he succumbed to the need, moving his fingers up and down slowly, marveling at their texture and strength. He could never love anything soft and pliant and weak; this was his strength and he would never let it go.
His left hand found its way into dark locks, squeezing and moving through them, their zest of far away sea and pine and orange flower inviting him until he buried his face in them, inhaling intoxicating smells. He smiled unconsciously and stayed like that until he could no longer breathe. Then, he left his lover and sat on silken cushions next to him, smelling seductive notes of air.
Alexandros waited a couple of moments and then addressed his lover.
“You can't be working at this late hour?! You left early, why?” Alexandros' head was cocked on the right. Hephaestion smiled at him, glancing at scattered scrolls on his desk.
“I was reading Aristoteles' letter.“, his answer was short.-I planned on answering him.
“And what will your answer be about? “
Hephaestion smiled, amused, and picked a piece of apple from a fruit bowl next to him before responding. The sweet smell of honey, apples, cinnamon and walnuts invaded Alexandros' nostrils and he sighed in silent delight.
“About you....it is always about you-a smirk graced his full lips-as everything else is...And some other things. “
“Will you tell him that I became the Lord of Asia”,Alexandros' voice became sarcastic, yet his eyes shone dangerously.
“There should be no reason. He'll answer that is good as long as Asia doesn't become your lord, but if you want I'll tell him.”,his eyes suddenly left their teasing glance and he averted his gaze, only adding seriously ”Of course I will write him, but you can do it, as well. “
Alexandros eyes narrowed at this sudden change in his lover's posture as he stood up, looking at the other scrolls. He watched his best friend's face changing into a mask of melancholy.
“You were reading something else, too”
“I just read how Patroclos went to battle without Achilles... “
“He had to, you know that, Hephaestion. Achilles was sulking in his tent, angry with the whole world.”,Alexandros followed his lover in his thoughts and then stopped confused: why was he picking up this now.In the end he whispered:“It was their fate. “
“Fate? Yes, fate... “
“You think they had a choice”
Hephaestion shrugged.”I only wonder what would've happened if it had been Achilles who had gone to battle without Patroclos. “
For an instant, Alexandros stared dumbfounded, not knowing what to say to Hephaestion's analysis: why would Achilles ever go to battle without Patroclos. And before he could answer his own question, realization crashed on him. The king looked his lover in the eyes, seeing their hurting expression and without uttering a word took him by his hand leading him outside.
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Alexandros' pressure on his hand became painfully hard, as he dragged him outside the palace, into the enthralling world of lush gardens. He didn't question his beloved, simply followed like when they were children, with undoubtful trust. They were alone here, the sounds of komos left behind, still waving drunken rhythm and Hephaestion thought they would stay here in the seclusion and under the spell of seductive scents. But, Alexandros kept almost running until they stood in front of cold, massive, stone blocks, which surrounded the citadel. There was no where forward to go.
Alexandros turned around, facing him, his eyes searching their mates in a silent plea and Hephaestion lost himself once more staring into pools of dark smoke, turning silvery under remnants of moonlight.
“Where are we heading”,a whisper escaped his lips, not being sure the godlike creature he followed would answer him. Alexandros only stared up the wall and back into his lover's shimmering, blue orbs and then smiled.
In a catlike move Alexandros jumped, his hands and feet exploring holes and broken stones in a worn off wall of an unused citadel. Hephaestion followed him, watching his beloved closely, his fingers blindly searching for support, moving up for what seemed to him an eternity.
When he finally looked up again, Alexandros was testing a hole in the wall, so small that he doubted he could pass through it. He looked through it and shivers ran down his limbs, his sight encountering nothing but a black abyss underneath; above his head far away stars cast feeble light on them. Alexandros' soft whisper registered slowly in his consciousness: “I'll go first. “ and then, he disappeared, his warm hand in Hephaestion's the only sign he was still there, but slowly ascending the outer wall, not moving, just hanging on a thin line of Hephaestion's arm.
Under the pale moonlight they were standing for what it seemed an eternity in a perfect balance; once more Alexandros' life was in his hands. For now there was only Alexandros and a tangled knot of excitement in the pit of his stomach.
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If he was ever to explain how they'd got out in one piece and how the guards hadn't noticed them, even if his life depended on it, he wouldn't be able to. Everything was wrapped in a cloudy feeling of Alexandros' hand in his and his sweating palm, and fear he hadn't experienced for a long time and the lure of the black abyss.
None of that mattered now when they were lying in the thick, guarding shadow of an overhanging rock; long, sharp grass tickling their back and the fragrance of crushed, wild flowers encircling them lazily. The air was clear and sweet and a faint gleam of light touched Alexandros' face when he turned in embrace, tracing the lines of Hephaestion's mouth and jaw with quivering lips all the way down the cobalt pulse. Then, he lies back, the thin grey of his eyes turning light and misty, the black orbs calling to swallow him, and Hephaestion would give everything he is to drown in them once and forever.
He, then, tugged nervously at Alexandros' chiton, lowering his face entranced till his lips found his beloved's, open like a soft ripe cherry and his voice was a choked groan when he whispered :-Alexandre.
Alexandros closed his eyes in bliss, tasting apples and cinnamon and honey; he loved apples, so sweet and sour, hard and soft at the same time. The tastes and aromas reminded him of Makedonia and its lawns, birch-woods, gardens of Midas, different and yet, the same in their delight like those here; and though he enjoyed them, yielding soil under his back, sagging under his weight and blades of grass will always be his freedom. Suddenly, his remembrance is crashed by a hand that burns his skin like their swords heated in blacksmith's fire would. And the world is here, spinning around him and everything fades but the feeling of Hephaestion's lips upon his, his tongue forcing them open and his fierce response to the challenge: a suck and a bite and whimpers.
Hephaestion smiled bewitched as his fingers ghosted over the shivering body, tracking pearly shadows, hidden in between tensing muscles. He couldn't help but marvel at the softness of Alexandros' skin tight over the lithe, defined body. His fingers stroked his muscles , finally giving in to the need to press them into outlining marks, enjoying how they sank in well-defined lines. And then he bestowed a practised lick along the thin, satin lines of his shoulders and neck, tormentingly slow, nibbling at pale flesh from time to time.
All Alexandros could see were dark curls, rippling at his chest, caressing flat, pink nipples, bending and a masterly lick bestowed upon his abdomen that made him shiver with desire. Yet, almost no sound escaped his tightly shut lips and the sole witnesses of his pleasure were long, batting eyelashes and strengthening grasp on auburn locks.
Hephaestion gripped his legs, pulling them wildly apart, his tongue tracing down the pelvic bone, but no moans emerged. To Hephaestion it seemed a game. An old game they played almost every time; in fact, it was only Alexandros who did. He smirked and delivered a lick in the crook of his beloved's leg, dangerously near the bunch of golden curls. By now he should be moaning, but the only sounds escaping his lips were soft whimpers. Hephaestion looked at his lover's face with utter love and devotion and couldn't suppress a gasp when he saw the perfect features basking in moonlight. His eyes were tightly shut in hard concentration and his lips a thin line. It looked as he was pondering a question of the whole universe in this sweet moment.
When he opened his eyes finally, they were fastened on the velvet sky above them and shone like far away stars. A sigh full of pain and destiny fled his voice. It seemed surrender, for he looked at his lover and smiled a sweet smile, a bit tender and sad, cupped Hephaestion's cheek and let himself sink into abandon.
Hephaestion settled between his legs and when powerful thighs closed around his hot flesh he was doomed to grasp the hips beneath him harder and lose himself to the sensation of their touch. He was holding lean hips with intimidating strength when realization dawned somewhere at the back of his reason: he could break them to ashes or melt into them, and the thought was appealing. He wanted to possess the body beneath, to cherish it forever and no matter how stupid the thought was, Hephaestion craved to push his hands deeper into the flesh and bones until their substances melted into each other. Alexandros moaned softly and he didn't know if it was due to pain or pleasure.
Somewhere in the whirlwind of rapture Hephaestion noticed those blue-grey eyes watching him intently, like a beast would a precious prey, mouth half-opened, as if the velvet cavern would swallow him completely in the moment he lost connection with reality. The thought was so compelling that he closed his eyes, his face a mask of raw pleasure. And when the whole world started drifting away, he was stolen away to divine sensation.
Alexandros' legs parted and, without noticing Hephaestion's confusion, he raised his hips.
Hephestion arched an eyebrow in question, the azure of his eyes misty with bliss and his lips parted in a suppressed groan. Still enthralled, he wasn't sure he comprehended the signs correctly, but a smile of adoration and absolute understanding, washing over Alexandros' bruised lips dismissed any doubts he might have had. He didn't love Alexandros in this way often. It had happened twice before, when their souls were disturbed and in need of complete unison.
Painfully, Hephaestion realized that Alexandros' pride and manhood are placed, once again, in his hands with innocent trust. It was his ultimate gift.
He wanted to say how much he loved him, needed him...how much he was afraid, but before he said anything, he felt fat tears on his cheek and he was only able to mutter:”Alexandre.”
He buried his face in the crook of Alexandros' neck, in the silken hollow above the collarbone, his hand sliding down his flanks, tracing a faint net of silvery beams on unmarked skin. His hand crept lazily in the warmth between their bodies and he smiled when a wanton moan came as an answer, his sadness gone with it.
A powerful arm brought his chin up, crashing battered lips in a possessive kiss, Alexandros' tongue forcing his teeth apart, luring the wet muscle in his warm cavern to grant him battle. And, then Hephaestion's fingers found their way into moist mouth, his tongue coating them with saliva, sucking on them and twirling around. It took him all his will to calm down his racing heart and raise Alexandros' hips, inserting two fingers to open his body.
Alexandros' breath came in shallow gasps, his back arched, half-opened eyes watching dim, glowing dots above him, burning and yet cold, so unlike the fire building in the pit of his stomach, ardent due to a single soul. It was breathtaking how those fingers explored his very being, demandingly and yet gently. This was his unseen gift and it would belong only to Hephaestion, no one else ever.
Just before he thought he could take no more of this torturing, secret caress, he felt Hephaestion gliding softly inside and a sigh of relief escaped him.
To Hephaestion sensing the beloved body shiver beneath him felt so natural that it was so easy to simply bore down and thrust and fondle, and when strong thighs draped around his hips, trembling frantically he was lost in the storm that urged him to plunge powerfully.
A thunder was heard in the far sky and lightnings tore into the night.
As the force of sky pushed him, Hephaestion leaned forward, capturing Alexandros' lips in his and he moved his hands down his shoulders and arms, bringing them above their heads, entwined. His voice was hoarse, words nothing but broken syllables when he said:”...I...I'm....afraid.” And there were no more words, only the frantic rhythm driving him faster into the velvet heat and when it started contracting and Alexandros cried in trance, he let the tide wash over him, leaving him in strong embrace.
Alexandros held him tightly, until the blizzard of passion passed through him and then whispered:”There is nothing to be afraid of.”his voice carrying a tinge of sadness.
“You are the king, Alexandre, the lord of Asia.“ He barely found strength to speak and paused, feeling his beloved's fingers playing with his damp hair” You won't need me one day... It will come naturally, once the women appear and your queen; you might want boys, but no longer a
man. I will no longer discuss your dreams, you'll simply tell me them, as you tell them others.”
Alexandros crashed him to his chest in a tight embrace, watching sorrow raging on the fair face and he couldn't hold back a single tear to roll down, sliding into mass of auburn curls. He saw Hephaestion watching him closely and smiled reassuringly.
“I might be the king and the lord of Asia, but I will always be your Alexandros.” He slid next to his lover, nestling his head in the curve of his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of orange and sea. He pressed closer, relishing the feeling of strong arms encircling his form. He closed his eyes, his lips moving against fine texture.-I will always belong to you.
The hardest confession was born, the final gift laid in Hephaestion's hands, made even more painful by the years of silent understanding.
They didn't talk any more until vermilion dawn touched them, but let Hypnos tend to all wounds impelled on their souls.
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No words were passed between them when they met to sacrifice to Zeus the Thunderer, for giving good omens the previous night, before they would set out for the South. As Alexandros passed his companions, Hephaestion pulled a blade of grass from golden locks and his heart filled with joy seeing a knowing smile flash in his beloved's eyes.
End