(no subject)
There is so incredibly much to say, but I don't even know how to put it all down into words. I don't even begin to know where to start. Nobody ever understands this about me, quoting the infite number of pages I have written about my own life and just poetry and stories, in general. Reality is harsh and it's so hard to write. I can see, and believe, the stories that go on in my head that I record. I can't do that for my life. Maybe I just don't want to.
Yeah, maybe Im disconnected from myself. Disconnected from my future. Stuck tethered to the past. Yearning to experience life right here, right now. Maybe. Call it what you like, tell me you see whatever in me that you want to, because it really doesn't even matter to me. I'm so sick of the rest of the world passing judgement on everyone based off of bullshit information. If you are going to, do so when you can back it with the 100% certainty of 6 years of history and experience with that person and a scrutinized analysis of who they are as a person. Yeah, whatever, I'm creepy and know people to near complete and total accuracy better than they do themselves often. I'm sick of everyone telling me why I did something or what is in my best interest and what I can and cannot do or what I am thinking or feeling or whatever. Trust me, only two of you have any idea of any of those things or anything else about me and, to be quite honest, both are vastly biased.
The rest of the world pisses me off. Typically, at it's best, concern is equivalent to selfish. I'm concerned about you translating to I want this of you because that is what is best for me. Why can't the fucking world overlook themselves? Restore I'm concerned about you to it's initial meaning of I'm worried about you, I'm afraid that you are going to take things too far, I'm afraid that you are going to regret this, I'm afraid that you are going to get hurt, I'm afraid that you are killing yourself slowly, I'm afraid that you are working towards killing yourself, I'm afraid that you're going to be left completely alone, I'm afraid that you are going to lose the best thing in your life, I'm afraid that you are going to lose everything that you love, I'm afraid that you... The center of the statement revolves around you. Not me. You. I wish people could understand that.
I'm sick of being told how selfish I am being, how self centered of a person I am, how I am only thinking about myself, how my own wants are the pure motivation behind everything in my life. If you honestly believe that, then I am sorry but you don't know me. If you still believe that this is the case, then just take a second to think about what I am capable of doing. I don't want this to sound completely cocky, but I am very extremely intelligent even after the accident. My deductive reasoning is still in the 99th percentile based on a global scale, and everything except for visual scanning and mental processing is extremely, extremely high. Meaning that I cant read of retain new intellectual processes as well as I used to, but still only at an above average level. I am a wallflower. I watch people and I read them. I am not interested in what you tell me. I am interested in what you show me. I watch people's eyes, their pupils, their breathing rates, whether they fidget or not, what they are playing with or doing if they do, where they look, how wide open their eyes are, posture, amount of eye contact, the way they hold their mouth while not talking, heart rate if its visible in their temples or throat or anywhere or if I am close enough to feel your heart rate, where they choose to sit, how much they space out, how much they listen, facial expression, sweating or not, cold or not, tone of voice, where pauses are and how long, sentence structure and length, word choice, and I could go on forever. Most people are going to say that that is creepy, and I don't care that much. I happen to like the fact that I do all of this subconsciously as it gives me a severely accurate grasp of who people are, what they are feeling, when they are lying, and many other things. I may not call you out on it, but I know it. You can be sure of that in 99% of cases.
I'm just going to end this here because I have gone off on a tangent about my feelings on the world which, while very much so related, is not at all what I opened this entry up with. I really don't know how to talk about that. All I know that I can say is I am so sorry. I don't believe in changing the past, but I do sincerely wish that things had turned out differently. That things had turned out better. I don't care that I am in a terrible position with so many people, but I do care that such a position is ultimately requiring that I hurt someone. I am still trying to figure everything out as far as a means to an end goes, and I am honestly more sorry than anyone will ever know. I know that I have already hurt so many people so much, but all I can ask of anyone is that they understand what I cannot find the words to say yet. That they understand and believe me when I say that I am sincerely appoligetic and that I never wanted to hurt anyone. I don't know exactly what the best choice is, what the least painful answer is for everyone, but please believe me when I say that I am looking for a solution that is best for everyone in regaurds to all of the problems that have been set into motion between me and everyone that I know.
I am going to end this here for now, but please trust and believe me when I say that I am sorry for everything.
Yeah, maybe Im disconnected from myself. Disconnected from my future. Stuck tethered to the past. Yearning to experience life right here, right now. Maybe. Call it what you like, tell me you see whatever in me that you want to, because it really doesn't even matter to me. I'm so sick of the rest of the world passing judgement on everyone based off of bullshit information. If you are going to, do so when you can back it with the 100% certainty of 6 years of history and experience with that person and a scrutinized analysis of who they are as a person. Yeah, whatever, I'm creepy and know people to near complete and total accuracy better than they do themselves often. I'm sick of everyone telling me why I did something or what is in my best interest and what I can and cannot do or what I am thinking or feeling or whatever. Trust me, only two of you have any idea of any of those things or anything else about me and, to be quite honest, both are vastly biased.
The rest of the world pisses me off. Typically, at it's best, concern is equivalent to selfish. I'm concerned about you translating to I want this of you because that is what is best for me. Why can't the fucking world overlook themselves? Restore I'm concerned about you to it's initial meaning of I'm worried about you, I'm afraid that you are going to take things too far, I'm afraid that you are going to regret this, I'm afraid that you are going to get hurt, I'm afraid that you are killing yourself slowly, I'm afraid that you are working towards killing yourself, I'm afraid that you're going to be left completely alone, I'm afraid that you are going to lose the best thing in your life, I'm afraid that you are going to lose everything that you love, I'm afraid that you... The center of the statement revolves around you. Not me. You. I wish people could understand that.
I'm sick of being told how selfish I am being, how self centered of a person I am, how I am only thinking about myself, how my own wants are the pure motivation behind everything in my life. If you honestly believe that, then I am sorry but you don't know me. If you still believe that this is the case, then just take a second to think about what I am capable of doing. I don't want this to sound completely cocky, but I am very extremely intelligent even after the accident. My deductive reasoning is still in the 99th percentile based on a global scale, and everything except for visual scanning and mental processing is extremely, extremely high. Meaning that I cant read of retain new intellectual processes as well as I used to, but still only at an above average level. I am a wallflower. I watch people and I read them. I am not interested in what you tell me. I am interested in what you show me. I watch people's eyes, their pupils, their breathing rates, whether they fidget or not, what they are playing with or doing if they do, where they look, how wide open their eyes are, posture, amount of eye contact, the way they hold their mouth while not talking, heart rate if its visible in their temples or throat or anywhere or if I am close enough to feel your heart rate, where they choose to sit, how much they space out, how much they listen, facial expression, sweating or not, cold or not, tone of voice, where pauses are and how long, sentence structure and length, word choice, and I could go on forever. Most people are going to say that that is creepy, and I don't care that much. I happen to like the fact that I do all of this subconsciously as it gives me a severely accurate grasp of who people are, what they are feeling, when they are lying, and many other things. I may not call you out on it, but I know it. You can be sure of that in 99% of cases.
I'm just going to end this here because I have gone off on a tangent about my feelings on the world which, while very much so related, is not at all what I opened this entry up with. I really don't know how to talk about that. All I know that I can say is I am so sorry. I don't believe in changing the past, but I do sincerely wish that things had turned out differently. That things had turned out better. I don't care that I am in a terrible position with so many people, but I do care that such a position is ultimately requiring that I hurt someone. I am still trying to figure everything out as far as a means to an end goes, and I am honestly more sorry than anyone will ever know. I know that I have already hurt so many people so much, but all I can ask of anyone is that they understand what I cannot find the words to say yet. That they understand and believe me when I say that I am sincerely appoligetic and that I never wanted to hurt anyone. I don't know exactly what the best choice is, what the least painful answer is for everyone, but please believe me when I say that I am looking for a solution that is best for everyone in regaurds to all of the problems that have been set into motion between me and everyone that I know.
I am going to end this here for now, but please trust and believe me when I say that I am sorry for everything.