Saltmarsh Andy Journal #27
Death Racers III
Kavango is a unique place. One part 80s, one part mix of races, sexes, ethnicities, and nationalities…I am not sure precisely where it is, but I seem to recall it was in Africa somewhere, so that is how it goes then. If you trapped a bunch of Germans, Spanish, Afrikaans, Russians, Cubans, etc in a small 80s portal, that would be it.
The race began, as most races do, in the beginning. It was dawn, with the Queen of Kavango shooting the starting gun when the sun passed the horizon. Our team, Pretty in Pink, met at the bridge to, I think Kavango City, Kavango something anyway, at dawn. This was the qualifier; only the top 10 racers would make it in of 500. We just had to race across this bridge. We were 43rd in line in our lane, so our beginning did not look good. Rosie’s masterful uses of the car’s jumping capacity, however, swiftly shot us into the lead. This of course, made us a target.
Now, I must confess we were suspiciously a target. A large cauldron in the back full of Leprechauns, a police car full of Thalusai, a ramming machine full of Vikings, and a car made of what appeared to be fire piloted by a fire giant target us even before we got very far ahead. I hexed the Leprechaun car (bastards going against a son of Mac Lir? Fools. Must be after my lucky charms…) as we took off, and Sonny threw their cannon off kilter. Yes, they had a cannon in their gold Cauldron. The Thalusai in the police car opened up but Pepito leapt across to that car. The Vikings tried to ram us but did a pitiful job. Tokichiro started to go after them but I assured him he was wasting his time. The Leprechauns careened off to the side of the road but used their Canon to right themselves, while Pepito snapped the neck of one of the Thalusai and attacked a second one. However, it seems the diver controlled the rockets that fired out of the back at us. The Fire car launched a flaming beehive at us, but it just wound up cooking the Vikings. The Leprechauns threw a rainbow in front of us, which was some form of all. Apparently they were determined to get my lucky charms. Then from out of freaking nowhere, David Hasslehoff appeared. Actually, wait…that is not what happened. Ah. Out of freaking nowhere the Shooting Star, Rivet’s car appeared and shot the Thalusaian car and destroyed it before they could launch more rockets at us. I panicked seeing it explode, but then Pepito tapped my shoulder and was fine beside me. I don’t know how he did that.
Sonny had been on the Leprechaun car, but saw we needed help as we approached the wall the Leprechauns put up, remember? Well he lept onto the flaming car, pouring his magic alcohol which began to burn with white hot intensity, forcing it to run off the bridge. Sonny leapt under our car and lifted it as Rosie activated the jump feature. Together, we made it over the wall. The Shooting Star also made it past, as but the Leprechauns did not, crashing and burning. We were in the official race. Yippee!
That night we had a dinner with the 10 racing teams who made it in. Porphyrius, who was conducting the race, worked out rewards for everyone and generally murder one another. Looking around, I realized that Rivet, Huizong Yen’s team and Zei Xing Li’s team were, along with ourselves, the only ones on the side of the gods here. Terrifying. Some of the Femlins, female gremlin like creatures basically, hit on me but I don’t think it was my lucky charms they were after, but it is possible. There were a variety of Greek dishes, Spanish dishes, German dishes, all sorts, including some British ones. However, instead of bangers and mash there were badgers and mash, which, to be frank, were terrifying as those badgers looked vicious. Pepito insisted he did not need any. Anyway, we sat with out group as well as Huizong Yen and Egg Shen (who, somehow, made the qualifier) and Zei Xing Li and Lanfang Lei Mei, who were also there. Rivet, who drove the Shooting Star was as well, though I never got to talk to him as I had hoped. It was mostly quiet and uneventful, and I left early.
The first race was Monumental Disaster, a race through the palace and gardens of the King of Kavango. He had relics of various famous monuments all over the garden, to sort of give it a theme. He has style I…wait it’s too early. Anyway, we took off and made quite a bit of headway before the bloody Femlins used their powers to damage our car. Still after my lucky charms apparently. This left us open to several attacks from Roach, a right bastard of a Telchine who used Titanspawn to open up on the Pretty In Pink while we were in repairs. Sonny went after the Femlins and their car, tearing off a wheel and essentially removing them from the race using rope and the momentum of their own movement and tires. Pepito broke off for a ninja attack, distracting Roach and making his control over his car difficult. Then, Rosie got the Pretty In Pink operational again and we managed to pull back ahead, coming in first.
Of course, that was just the first real race, but after that they left my lucky charms alone.
Mostly.
Kavango is a unique place. One part 80s, one part mix of races, sexes, ethnicities, and nationalities…I am not sure precisely where it is, but I seem to recall it was in Africa somewhere, so that is how it goes then. If you trapped a bunch of Germans, Spanish, Afrikaans, Russians, Cubans, etc in a small 80s portal, that would be it.
The race began, as most races do, in the beginning. It was dawn, with the Queen of Kavango shooting the starting gun when the sun passed the horizon. Our team, Pretty in Pink, met at the bridge to, I think Kavango City, Kavango something anyway, at dawn. This was the qualifier; only the top 10 racers would make it in of 500. We just had to race across this bridge. We were 43rd in line in our lane, so our beginning did not look good. Rosie’s masterful uses of the car’s jumping capacity, however, swiftly shot us into the lead. This of course, made us a target.
Now, I must confess we were suspiciously a target. A large cauldron in the back full of Leprechauns, a police car full of Thalusai, a ramming machine full of Vikings, and a car made of what appeared to be fire piloted by a fire giant target us even before we got very far ahead. I hexed the Leprechaun car (bastards going against a son of Mac Lir? Fools. Must be after my lucky charms…) as we took off, and Sonny threw their cannon off kilter. Yes, they had a cannon in their gold Cauldron. The Thalusai in the police car opened up but Pepito leapt across to that car. The Vikings tried to ram us but did a pitiful job. Tokichiro started to go after them but I assured him he was wasting his time. The Leprechauns careened off to the side of the road but used their Canon to right themselves, while Pepito snapped the neck of one of the Thalusai and attacked a second one. However, it seems the diver controlled the rockets that fired out of the back at us. The Fire car launched a flaming beehive at us, but it just wound up cooking the Vikings. The Leprechauns threw a rainbow in front of us, which was some form of all. Apparently they were determined to get my lucky charms. Then from out of freaking nowhere, David Hasslehoff appeared. Actually, wait…that is not what happened. Ah. Out of freaking nowhere the Shooting Star, Rivet’s car appeared and shot the Thalusaian car and destroyed it before they could launch more rockets at us. I panicked seeing it explode, but then Pepito tapped my shoulder and was fine beside me. I don’t know how he did that.
Sonny had been on the Leprechaun car, but saw we needed help as we approached the wall the Leprechauns put up, remember? Well he lept onto the flaming car, pouring his magic alcohol which began to burn with white hot intensity, forcing it to run off the bridge. Sonny leapt under our car and lifted it as Rosie activated the jump feature. Together, we made it over the wall. The Shooting Star also made it past, as but the Leprechauns did not, crashing and burning. We were in the official race. Yippee!
That night we had a dinner with the 10 racing teams who made it in. Porphyrius, who was conducting the race, worked out rewards for everyone and generally murder one another. Looking around, I realized that Rivet, Huizong Yen’s team and Zei Xing Li’s team were, along with ourselves, the only ones on the side of the gods here. Terrifying. Some of the Femlins, female gremlin like creatures basically, hit on me but I don’t think it was my lucky charms they were after, but it is possible. There were a variety of Greek dishes, Spanish dishes, German dishes, all sorts, including some British ones. However, instead of bangers and mash there were badgers and mash, which, to be frank, were terrifying as those badgers looked vicious. Pepito insisted he did not need any. Anyway, we sat with out group as well as Huizong Yen and Egg Shen (who, somehow, made the qualifier) and Zei Xing Li and Lanfang Lei Mei, who were also there. Rivet, who drove the Shooting Star was as well, though I never got to talk to him as I had hoped. It was mostly quiet and uneventful, and I left early.
The first race was Monumental Disaster, a race through the palace and gardens of the King of Kavango. He had relics of various famous monuments all over the garden, to sort of give it a theme. He has style I…wait it’s too early. Anyway, we took off and made quite a bit of headway before the bloody Femlins used their powers to damage our car. Still after my lucky charms apparently. This left us open to several attacks from Roach, a right bastard of a Telchine who used Titanspawn to open up on the Pretty In Pink while we were in repairs. Sonny went after the Femlins and their car, tearing off a wheel and essentially removing them from the race using rope and the momentum of their own movement and tires. Pepito broke off for a ninja attack, distracting Roach and making his control over his car difficult. Then, Rosie got the Pretty In Pink operational again and we managed to pull back ahead, coming in first.
Of course, that was just the first real race, but after that they left my lucky charms alone.
Mostly.