Fic: So Many Foolish Moments
Title: So Many Foolish Moments
Author: azuraangel05
Rating: pg-13
Pairing/Characters: Maya, Alejandro, hints of Sylar/Maya
Spoilers: Up to “Powerless”
Word Count: 1760
Summary: Maya looks for Alejandro the only way she feels she can.
Authors Note: Written for prompt 109 at heroes_fest Maya: looking for Alejandro's body.
I kissed him as you lay dying. I let him touch me as you lay dead. I am so many foolish moments. I am so many stupid, stupid mistakes.
I am so sorry.
* * *
Doctor Suresh’s son is very handsome and he has kind eyes and I want him far, far away from me.
He inspects the spot where the bullet had been and I wince when he touches me. I know in my heart I can never let anyone touch me again.
“I’m very sorry,” he says softly, “Are you in pain?”
Am I in pain?
What?
I shake my head because I cannot speak and I won’t.
* * *
This is what I know…you are dead.
* * *
“Maya?” he asks me, “Maya, are you all right?”
No.
No, no, no.
“Can you talk to me?”
The pretty blonde girl with the pretty blue sparks has gone away. The murderer with the angel face and the angel name is long, long gone.
“Mohinder?” Little Molly looks so scared.
“It’s all right,” the Doctor says, “she’s in shock, she’ll be okay.”
* * *
You died. I died. And then I had a dream.
I see you when I close my eyes. I close my eyes and I see you. You are twelve years old and smiling at me and I am me, the age I am now in a pair of jeans and a shirt with a bullet hole where my heart should be; I am reaching out to touch you. I do not speak. I cannot speak, all I can do is hold out my hand for you and hope that you will take it.
I cannot speak until you speak to me. This is the rule that no one has made, but that we both know is there. It’s the same feeling you have about air, and it’s the same trust. You have to trust that when you open your mouth and take all the nothing in, it will fill your lungs with something life giving and sweet that you can never and will never see. The same feeling applies to God I suppose, and death, and love.
And hope that the things that are lost will be found again.
If they are needed enough. If you can’t possibly go on without them.
* * *
I am so sorry.
But I need you to help me one last time.
I just can’t do this alone.
* * *
“Why don’t you rest for a moment?”
No.
No, no, no, no.
But he places his hands on my arms so gently and asks me so nicely, I do.
I’m not tired, but I am heavy, so, so heavy. Too heavy to fight, or to cry, or to ask any of the questions that I should be asking like how or why?
To do the most important thing to run out of this room, this building, this country. To do whatever it takes…
You're not anywhere.
I lay my head down, I close my eyes and I betray you yet again.
The Doctor’s son lays me down but not before stopping and mentioning how very, very sorry he is for my loss.
* * *
“Look for me here.”
“What?”
We are in a field you and I. Flowers all around: white and yellow. And you are staring at me in your little boy body. I see your familiar messy black hair and my heart breaks. And I know that we are so many years ago and you are far away from me, so far, how can I ever hope to reach you?
“Maya!” And you smile.
And when I see that smile I realize that you are not seeing me as I am but how I was. So small in a pretty white dress and flowers in my hair and with this realization, for just a moment, I am free and my heart soars!
And I run towards you crushing flowers beneath my feet. Flowers white and yellow-then dark, dark, red.
Just for a moment I am not I: A traitorous, murderous, fool.
She’s gone away, she’s dead.
“Maya,” you say again and you are still so small but there is no more laughter in your voice.
* * *
I look for you every second of every day I look for you.
Or at the very least I mean too.
I swear to god I mean so very much too.
* * *
“Your ability is very complicated,” Mohinder says.
“That is…one way of looking at it.” I reply.
He is very quiet for a second and then he says, “You don’t want it?”
It is a question. It is a statement.
I shake my head, “No, no.”
“I could help you,” he tells me, “I could take you to a place that would help you learn to control it.”
I had been drinking tea and my cup shakes and clatters against the saucer. My hands shake.
“I am in control.”
He notices my hands and then says, “Are you sure?”
I nod.
He doesn’t realize, he can’t see, how hard I am trying and he can’t see how much that matters. How little I care these days. Now that you are gone, the only thing, the only thing that is keeping me from just letting myself go completely and just letting this goddamn curse consume me and kill everything on this miserable planet is the memory of you and what I know I have to do.
I have to be a murderer one last time.
One last time and then never again.
* * *
I close my eyes and I see you.
I see you, I close my eyes.
I am walking through a desert.
I am looking at the stars.
And a voice says, “Where are you going?”
So many voices, speaking all at once. Only three stick out.
Yours.
Mohinder’s.
His…
“Where are you going?” the voice asks again, “Maya?”
* * *
He told me what happened to me and then I made the mistake of hoping.
I told him about you.
And he said, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but that’s much too long.”
And he began to say something about how there was no telling how you would come back. They’d never brought back someone dead longer than a day before. And besides…no one could find you…no one knew where you were.
And when I begin to argue and say how I would find you and bring you to his company and they would bring you back to me. Then he started to say something about not playing god and that made me start to laugh and then I started to cry.
Those familiar, empty, dark, dark, tears.
* * *
This is what I know and what you must know too.
I am not brave.
I am not smart.
I am not clever.
I am not resourceful.
I am a foolish girl who has done foolish things.
I am a murderer destined for hell.
I am a traitor blinded by lust.
I chose a stranger over you.
I kissed him as you lay dying.
I touched him as you lay dead.
I am selfish beyond all reason because I will do what must not be done to make this right again.
I will go against nature, against you, against God.
I will cross whatever ocean whatever desert, whatever law, I will commit whatever atrocity, whatever sin.
I cannot bring myself to live without you and so I won’t.
I will do whatever I have to do to bring you back to me again.
* * *
The people at the company they give me a car and money and they look at me afraid.
He looks at me afraid.
And I say nothing.
When someone leaves you no choice, you do what you have to, right?
And he asks me, “What makes you think you’ll find him when Molly couldn’t?”
And I can’t answer that.
“I died,” I say, “you brought me back, this is no different.” the words feel hollow but they come out so certain.
And then he says, “We both know that it is. You weren’t even gone an hour also you were shot. Your brother has been dead for almost two weeks now. He was murdered by Sylar, no doubt brutally, if you find him, the way you’ll find him-”
I cannot listen to this and so I won’t.
I turn to go.
“Listen to me!” he says grabbing my arm, “This isn’t right, Maya, please you shouldn’t-”
But seeing my expression his fingers start to loosen and he looks so sad, but in the end he surrenders, he lets me leave and it ends the way we both knew that it was going to.
Once upon a time I would pray before I found myself undertaking something larger than me. But not today. I just get into my car, turn the key, and head for the border.
Sometimes I think that dying changed me.
* * *
These are some things that I know: I know in my heart that once you are willing to take my hand in yours it will all be okay again. I will find you, again.
I will know that you have forgiven me. Brother, sweet brother, sweet boy.
You are still a little boy who smiles at me. We are in a field, behind the home of an aunt who is now long dead. There are yellow flowers everywhere and I am in a long white dress.
There are yellow flower’s in my hair. And you are pulling it, pulling me down to you, you are so strong and it is your man’s voice in your little boy body that whispers to me in my ear in my dreams every night that tells me where I must go and what I must do to make this up to you and make everything right again. That reminds me of what I owe to you and what I will do to him.
A murderer one more time.
And only when I have stopped struggling and I only listen and hear everything do you let go of my hair, do you let go of me and look at me with those eyes so full of love that see me the way I want so badly to be seen.
“Maya!” you say, “Maya come play with me!”
The sun is shining. The sky is blue. It is a beautiful day.
“Yes,” I say, “let’s play!”
Author: azuraangel05
Rating: pg-13
Pairing/Characters: Maya, Alejandro, hints of Sylar/Maya
Spoilers: Up to “Powerless”
Word Count: 1760
Summary: Maya looks for Alejandro the only way she feels she can.
Authors Note: Written for prompt 109 at heroes_fest Maya: looking for Alejandro's body.
I kissed him as you lay dying. I let him touch me as you lay dead. I am so many foolish moments. I am so many stupid, stupid mistakes.
I am so sorry.
* * *
Doctor Suresh’s son is very handsome and he has kind eyes and I want him far, far away from me.
He inspects the spot where the bullet had been and I wince when he touches me. I know in my heart I can never let anyone touch me again.
“I’m very sorry,” he says softly, “Are you in pain?”
Am I in pain?
What?
I shake my head because I cannot speak and I won’t.
* * *
This is what I know…you are dead.
* * *
“Maya?” he asks me, “Maya, are you all right?”
No.
No, no, no.
“Can you talk to me?”
The pretty blonde girl with the pretty blue sparks has gone away. The murderer with the angel face and the angel name is long, long gone.
“Mohinder?” Little Molly looks so scared.
“It’s all right,” the Doctor says, “she’s in shock, she’ll be okay.”
* * *
You died. I died. And then I had a dream.
I see you when I close my eyes. I close my eyes and I see you. You are twelve years old and smiling at me and I am me, the age I am now in a pair of jeans and a shirt with a bullet hole where my heart should be; I am reaching out to touch you. I do not speak. I cannot speak, all I can do is hold out my hand for you and hope that you will take it.
I cannot speak until you speak to me. This is the rule that no one has made, but that we both know is there. It’s the same feeling you have about air, and it’s the same trust. You have to trust that when you open your mouth and take all the nothing in, it will fill your lungs with something life giving and sweet that you can never and will never see. The same feeling applies to God I suppose, and death, and love.
And hope that the things that are lost will be found again.
If they are needed enough. If you can’t possibly go on without them.
* * *
I am so sorry.
But I need you to help me one last time.
I just can’t do this alone.
* * *
“Why don’t you rest for a moment?”
No.
No, no, no, no.
But he places his hands on my arms so gently and asks me so nicely, I do.
I’m not tired, but I am heavy, so, so heavy. Too heavy to fight, or to cry, or to ask any of the questions that I should be asking like how or why?
To do the most important thing to run out of this room, this building, this country. To do whatever it takes…
You're not anywhere.
I lay my head down, I close my eyes and I betray you yet again.
The Doctor’s son lays me down but not before stopping and mentioning how very, very sorry he is for my loss.
* * *
“Look for me here.”
“What?”
We are in a field you and I. Flowers all around: white and yellow. And you are staring at me in your little boy body. I see your familiar messy black hair and my heart breaks. And I know that we are so many years ago and you are far away from me, so far, how can I ever hope to reach you?
“Maya!” And you smile.
And when I see that smile I realize that you are not seeing me as I am but how I was. So small in a pretty white dress and flowers in my hair and with this realization, for just a moment, I am free and my heart soars!
And I run towards you crushing flowers beneath my feet. Flowers white and yellow-then dark, dark, red.
Just for a moment I am not I: A traitorous, murderous, fool.
She’s gone away, she’s dead.
“Maya,” you say again and you are still so small but there is no more laughter in your voice.
* * *
I look for you every second of every day I look for you.
Or at the very least I mean too.
I swear to god I mean so very much too.
* * *
“Your ability is very complicated,” Mohinder says.
“That is…one way of looking at it.” I reply.
He is very quiet for a second and then he says, “You don’t want it?”
It is a question. It is a statement.
I shake my head, “No, no.”
“I could help you,” he tells me, “I could take you to a place that would help you learn to control it.”
I had been drinking tea and my cup shakes and clatters against the saucer. My hands shake.
“I am in control.”
He notices my hands and then says, “Are you sure?”
I nod.
He doesn’t realize, he can’t see, how hard I am trying and he can’t see how much that matters. How little I care these days. Now that you are gone, the only thing, the only thing that is keeping me from just letting myself go completely and just letting this goddamn curse consume me and kill everything on this miserable planet is the memory of you and what I know I have to do.
I have to be a murderer one last time.
One last time and then never again.
* * *
I close my eyes and I see you.
I see you, I close my eyes.
I am walking through a desert.
I am looking at the stars.
And a voice says, “Where are you going?”
So many voices, speaking all at once. Only three stick out.
Yours.
Mohinder’s.
His…
“Where are you going?” the voice asks again, “Maya?”
* * *
He told me what happened to me and then I made the mistake of hoping.
I told him about you.
And he said, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but that’s much too long.”
And he began to say something about how there was no telling how you would come back. They’d never brought back someone dead longer than a day before. And besides…no one could find you…no one knew where you were.
And when I begin to argue and say how I would find you and bring you to his company and they would bring you back to me. Then he started to say something about not playing god and that made me start to laugh and then I started to cry.
Those familiar, empty, dark, dark, tears.
* * *
This is what I know and what you must know too.
I am not brave.
I am not smart.
I am not clever.
I am not resourceful.
I am a foolish girl who has done foolish things.
I am a murderer destined for hell.
I am a traitor blinded by lust.
I chose a stranger over you.
I kissed him as you lay dying.
I touched him as you lay dead.
I am selfish beyond all reason because I will do what must not be done to make this right again.
I will go against nature, against you, against God.
I will cross whatever ocean whatever desert, whatever law, I will commit whatever atrocity, whatever sin.
I cannot bring myself to live without you and so I won’t.
I will do whatever I have to do to bring you back to me again.
* * *
The people at the company they give me a car and money and they look at me afraid.
He looks at me afraid.
And I say nothing.
When someone leaves you no choice, you do what you have to, right?
And he asks me, “What makes you think you’ll find him when Molly couldn’t?”
And I can’t answer that.
“I died,” I say, “you brought me back, this is no different.” the words feel hollow but they come out so certain.
And then he says, “We both know that it is. You weren’t even gone an hour also you were shot. Your brother has been dead for almost two weeks now. He was murdered by Sylar, no doubt brutally, if you find him, the way you’ll find him-”
I cannot listen to this and so I won’t.
I turn to go.
“Listen to me!” he says grabbing my arm, “This isn’t right, Maya, please you shouldn’t-”
But seeing my expression his fingers start to loosen and he looks so sad, but in the end he surrenders, he lets me leave and it ends the way we both knew that it was going to.
Once upon a time I would pray before I found myself undertaking something larger than me. But not today. I just get into my car, turn the key, and head for the border.
Sometimes I think that dying changed me.
* * *
These are some things that I know: I know in my heart that once you are willing to take my hand in yours it will all be okay again. I will find you, again.
I will know that you have forgiven me. Brother, sweet brother, sweet boy.
You are still a little boy who smiles at me. We are in a field, behind the home of an aunt who is now long dead. There are yellow flowers everywhere and I am in a long white dress.
There are yellow flower’s in my hair. And you are pulling it, pulling me down to you, you are so strong and it is your man’s voice in your little boy body that whispers to me in my ear in my dreams every night that tells me where I must go and what I must do to make this up to you and make everything right again. That reminds me of what I owe to you and what I will do to him.
A murderer one more time.
And only when I have stopped struggling and I only listen and hear everything do you let go of my hair, do you let go of me and look at me with those eyes so full of love that see me the way I want so badly to be seen.
“Maya!” you say, “Maya come play with me!”
The sun is shining. The sky is blue. It is a beautiful day.
“Yes,” I say, “let’s play!”