Thoughts and stuff
I've been reading over my friends page and thinking that I've been isolating myself for too long.
True, I did start Uni earlier this year and that has kept me pretty busy, I had to learn HOW to study again, but that's really no excuse.
In December of 2003 I had, what laymen call, a nervous break down. It really was one of the best things that ever happened to me because I found out that I have ~ahem~ "Major Depressive Disorder, Severe, Reoccuring"--that's what my diagnostic chart says anyway.
Soooo...I spent three months as an outpatient and many months afterwards in treatment with a really nice doctor. Then I started feeling better and work was getting heavier, the burden of being a single parent became more pressing and I felt as if I wasn't devoting enough time to my duties. I felt better and seeing as I did, I decided to stop seeing my doctor and as trhe meds got to be too expensive ( and I hated taking them, or as a rule I hate taking any sort of med)I stopped taking my meds.
Things have been fine, sort of. Well no, not really.
I mean, I'm not suicidal anymore. I've just been isolating myself.
I've allowed myself to become too dependent on a man who loves me, but refuses to committ. I cheated on him with the father of my youngest child (my ex--fiancee) whom I apparently still have unresolved feelings for. It's a long, fucked up tale, which I should put to paper at some point.
To sum up...I divorced my ex husband, fell in love with my youngest childs father, we seperated, he moved to California, I moved to Texas, we met up for a long weekend in Louisiana (where we are both from originaly) I got pregnant, we got engaged. I had the baby prematurely, he broke up with me a few months after leaving me to deal with a low birthweight baby who has a heart defect. He remarries his ex-wife.
The bastard.
From engagement to birth to break up took little under a year and a half.
So I spend the first four years of my life worrying about my baby having to have open heart surgery (she doesn't thank God), raise my oldest who has ADHD, work a full time job. Just when I was getting into the swing of things and was able to start relaxing a good friend was killed in a plane crash,a riot took place at my job which led to a security guard having a heart attack. I gave him CPR but he died anyway, while I watched. That very same night my ex-fiancee comes to town to visit me and our daughter, while my boyfriend avoided coming to be with me because the ex was visiting.
I needed him there, I mean fuck, a man had just that afternoon died under my hands. I heard his death rattle, I watched his face turn purple, I nearly passsed out from doing the CPR because the damn ambulance was so slow in getting there!
So I let my exfiance get me drunk (which was really nice of him--he kept his hands to himself and took care of me and the kiddos).
I slept with him the next night.
That was September of 2003.
In December I had my breakdown.
As I said, it turned out to be a good thing. I actually HAD to start facing all of the bad shit that I'd been running from. I HAD to start dealing with the fear and the anger and the pain over what the ex had done and the worry I had to handle on my own over my daughter and her heart defect.
I thought that I hated the ex (his name is Chris) and I thought that I loved my BF (name's Ed).
I don't know what I feel about either of them.
I know now that I didn't allow myself to grieve over the loss of Chris to his ex wife (who is now his wife again)Instead, I did my typical putting off of dealing with tough emotional stuff and concentrated on taking care of my child. I thought that it would be selfish of me to take care of myself. Yea, I know that's screwed up, but I was screwed up at the time.
So now, on this day, I'm sitting here thinking about the last three years.
I still haven't dealt with my residual feelings for Chris. Part of me thinks that I still love him and part of me hates him. Ed and I are at this awful stage inour relationship. We aren't a couple, but we still love one another and have sex.
Did I mention that I'll be turning 40 in March 07?
So, where is this post leading?
1. I'm sick of being alone. Other than my parents and children I have no friends.
2. I have unresolved and very confusing feelings for Chris.
3. I have unresolved, very strong feelings for Ed.
4. I'm not at all sure that wether or not I'm clinging to Ed, or Chris for that matter, because I'm afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life and tha thought of that scares me to no end.
5. I know it's wrong and unhealthy to avoid facing up to the above fact, not to mention hurtful (potentially) to Ed.
So, I've been isolating myself. Because I'm afraid.
But I have a 4.0 GPA. This is great, but it won't warm my bed at night.
Sooo.
I've avoided the things that I love. My muse has deserted me, but recently she has been visiting and I've turned out some rather nice Doctor Who fan vids.
I've also started rewriting Walls, a SS/HG fic that I started shortly after my break down.
I miss being in the SS/HG community and wish to return.
I'm also considering joining Match.com or maybe E-Harmony after the new year. I need to face my fears and actually get out there. Perhaps I will finally come to terms with the whole Ed, Chris thing once and for all.
But the first thing I have to do is get back on my meds and back into treatment. Tomorrow I'm going to call my doctor and set an appointment.
True, I did start Uni earlier this year and that has kept me pretty busy, I had to learn HOW to study again, but that's really no excuse.
In December of 2003 I had, what laymen call, a nervous break down. It really was one of the best things that ever happened to me because I found out that I have ~ahem~ "Major Depressive Disorder, Severe, Reoccuring"--that's what my diagnostic chart says anyway.
Soooo...I spent three months as an outpatient and many months afterwards in treatment with a really nice doctor. Then I started feeling better and work was getting heavier, the burden of being a single parent became more pressing and I felt as if I wasn't devoting enough time to my duties. I felt better and seeing as I did, I decided to stop seeing my doctor and as trhe meds got to be too expensive ( and I hated taking them, or as a rule I hate taking any sort of med)I stopped taking my meds.
Things have been fine, sort of. Well no, not really.
I mean, I'm not suicidal anymore. I've just been isolating myself.
I've allowed myself to become too dependent on a man who loves me, but refuses to committ. I cheated on him with the father of my youngest child (my ex--fiancee) whom I apparently still have unresolved feelings for. It's a long, fucked up tale, which I should put to paper at some point.
To sum up...I divorced my ex husband, fell in love with my youngest childs father, we seperated, he moved to California, I moved to Texas, we met up for a long weekend in Louisiana (where we are both from originaly) I got pregnant, we got engaged. I had the baby prematurely, he broke up with me a few months after leaving me to deal with a low birthweight baby who has a heart defect. He remarries his ex-wife.
The bastard.
From engagement to birth to break up took little under a year and a half.
So I spend the first four years of my life worrying about my baby having to have open heart surgery (she doesn't thank God), raise my oldest who has ADHD, work a full time job. Just when I was getting into the swing of things and was able to start relaxing a good friend was killed in a plane crash,a riot took place at my job which led to a security guard having a heart attack. I gave him CPR but he died anyway, while I watched. That very same night my ex-fiancee comes to town to visit me and our daughter, while my boyfriend avoided coming to be with me because the ex was visiting.
I needed him there, I mean fuck, a man had just that afternoon died under my hands. I heard his death rattle, I watched his face turn purple, I nearly passsed out from doing the CPR because the damn ambulance was so slow in getting there!
So I let my exfiance get me drunk (which was really nice of him--he kept his hands to himself and took care of me and the kiddos).
I slept with him the next night.
That was September of 2003.
In December I had my breakdown.
As I said, it turned out to be a good thing. I actually HAD to start facing all of the bad shit that I'd been running from. I HAD to start dealing with the fear and the anger and the pain over what the ex had done and the worry I had to handle on my own over my daughter and her heart defect.
I thought that I hated the ex (his name is Chris) and I thought that I loved my BF (name's Ed).
I don't know what I feel about either of them.
I know now that I didn't allow myself to grieve over the loss of Chris to his ex wife (who is now his wife again)Instead, I did my typical putting off of dealing with tough emotional stuff and concentrated on taking care of my child. I thought that it would be selfish of me to take care of myself. Yea, I know that's screwed up, but I was screwed up at the time.
So now, on this day, I'm sitting here thinking about the last three years.
I still haven't dealt with my residual feelings for Chris. Part of me thinks that I still love him and part of me hates him. Ed and I are at this awful stage inour relationship. We aren't a couple, but we still love one another and have sex.
Did I mention that I'll be turning 40 in March 07?
So, where is this post leading?
1. I'm sick of being alone. Other than my parents and children I have no friends.
2. I have unresolved and very confusing feelings for Chris.
3. I have unresolved, very strong feelings for Ed.
4. I'm not at all sure that wether or not I'm clinging to Ed, or Chris for that matter, because I'm afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life and tha thought of that scares me to no end.
5. I know it's wrong and unhealthy to avoid facing up to the above fact, not to mention hurtful (potentially) to Ed.
So, I've been isolating myself. Because I'm afraid.
But I have a 4.0 GPA. This is great, but it won't warm my bed at night.
Sooo.
I've avoided the things that I love. My muse has deserted me, but recently she has been visiting and I've turned out some rather nice Doctor Who fan vids.
I've also started rewriting Walls, a SS/HG fic that I started shortly after my break down.
I miss being in the SS/HG community and wish to return.
I'm also considering joining Match.com or maybe E-Harmony after the new year. I need to face my fears and actually get out there. Perhaps I will finally come to terms with the whole Ed, Chris thing once and for all.
But the first thing I have to do is get back on my meds and back into treatment. Tomorrow I'm going to call my doctor and set an appointment.