{37}
...It's funny how I could always face such high-stake showdowns easily, no matter what my purpose for doing so was. Kagemaru and his Seven Stars, the Light, Yubel...
...And yet I can't even figure out something simple like this.
But... I still have everything to lose.
[Private // somewhat hackable]
I hate this. I know each of them is probably a little off-put by the other for their own separate reasons, but... it just isn't fair to have to choose between them. And sharing like we did before... I feel like that wouldn't be fair to either of them. I would do it, but honestly, it benefits them less, with one Johan having to suddenly share what he had and the other only getting what seems like half of the whole.
My old self would wish one of them gone, or wish that one of them never came in the first place. But I realize now that I could never wish harm on either of them, or wish to not have them around me... that would be selfish.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. It's possible that with the powers and responsibilities I have and am going to receive when I go home, I've distanced myself from being able to actively love anyone in this way properly. I probably couldn't give them what anyone would expect of another in a normal relationship... The only way I'd be able to promise either of them any kind of normalcy is by reinventing the meaning of the word.
...What am I going to do? If I don't give them an answer, it'll just leave them hanging, and I don't want that, but... I can't... I don't have an answer that won't wind up hurting one of them. I know I probably sound like a selfish idiot for not listening to the new Johan when he says he's fine not having the same with me as I already do with the first Johan... but I just don't feel like I'd be giving back enough to equal what they've both given me. And I'm not certain he wasn't just saying that to try and be selfless and to make me feel better, anyway.
...I'm kind of tempted to ask someone about it if I don't get anywhere with it soon. Fubuki-san, maybe, or even my Yubel if she'd be willing. But for right now... I don't even want to think about it...
...And yet I can't even figure out something simple like this.
But... I still have everything to lose.
[Private // somewhat hackable]
I hate this. I know each of them is probably a little off-put by the other for their own separate reasons, but... it just isn't fair to have to choose between them. And sharing like we did before... I feel like that wouldn't be fair to either of them. I would do it, but honestly, it benefits them less, with one Johan having to suddenly share what he had and the other only getting what seems like half of the whole.
My old self would wish one of them gone, or wish that one of them never came in the first place. But I realize now that I could never wish harm on either of them, or wish to not have them around me... that would be selfish.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. It's possible that with the powers and responsibilities I have and am going to receive when I go home, I've distanced myself from being able to actively love anyone in this way properly. I probably couldn't give them what anyone would expect of another in a normal relationship... The only way I'd be able to promise either of them any kind of normalcy is by reinventing the meaning of the word.
...What am I going to do? If I don't give them an answer, it'll just leave them hanging, and I don't want that, but... I can't... I don't have an answer that won't wind up hurting one of them. I know I probably sound like a selfish idiot for not listening to the new Johan when he says he's fine not having the same with me as I already do with the first Johan... but I just don't feel like I'd be giving back enough to equal what they've both given me. And I'm not certain he wasn't just saying that to try and be selfless and to make me feel better, anyway.
...I'm kind of tempted to ask someone about it if I don't get anywhere with it soon. Fubuki-san, maybe, or even my Yubel if she'd be willing. But for right now... I don't even want to think about it...