cannot sleep
Lack of sleep. After laying in bed for hours trying to shut down sectors of the brain that keep me awake, the opposite would often occur. The brain refuses to cease its activity, often looping catchy rhythms or flashes of memories from the past. I try to blank it out by listening to the ambient sounds around me - the flow of the air conditioning, the breathing - but the rhythms refuse to disappear, like a film of oil on unwashed utensils.
This continues into the early hours of the morning. Because of so much silence in the air, the sense of hearing widens in scope (rivaling an animal) and mindfulness arising from it detects the most minute of sounds. The lone car engine whizzing by, a pack of stray dogs kilometers away. Panic escalates in knowing that I AM STILL CONSCIOUS NOT IN A DREAM AND IT WILL BE MORNING SOON, WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE WAKE UP STRETCHING AND SMILING TO THEMSELVES WHILE THEY SLIP INTO LYCRA EXERCISE GEAR AND JOG AROUND FIELDS WITH BIRDS FLYING AROUND.
I lay around and switch positions more, guessing what time it is. There is the constant anxiety of the Muslim prayers suddenly booming from the mosque nearby, signaling my failure to fall sleep before 6am. Sometimes, it happens, like someone blowing cigarette smoke into your face after you walk out from a spa: ALLAH AKHBAR ALLAH AKHBAR and so on, in often terrible singing voices, not as polished as the prayer voice delivered on national television.
So everything else follows suit. The chirping, the kitchen noises, and the blinding light through the windows. Somehow all that relaxes me and so finally the shut down is for real!
This continues into the early hours of the morning. Because of so much silence in the air, the sense of hearing widens in scope (rivaling an animal) and mindfulness arising from it detects the most minute of sounds. The lone car engine whizzing by, a pack of stray dogs kilometers away. Panic escalates in knowing that I AM STILL CONSCIOUS NOT IN A DREAM AND IT WILL BE MORNING SOON, WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE WAKE UP STRETCHING AND SMILING TO THEMSELVES WHILE THEY SLIP INTO LYCRA EXERCISE GEAR AND JOG AROUND FIELDS WITH BIRDS FLYING AROUND.
I lay around and switch positions more, guessing what time it is. There is the constant anxiety of the Muslim prayers suddenly booming from the mosque nearby, signaling my failure to fall sleep before 6am. Sometimes, it happens, like someone blowing cigarette smoke into your face after you walk out from a spa: ALLAH AKHBAR ALLAH AKHBAR and so on, in often terrible singing voices, not as polished as the prayer voice delivered on national television.
So everything else follows suit. The chirping, the kitchen noises, and the blinding light through the windows. Somehow all that relaxes me and so finally the shut down is for real!