The Water Loo of insignificant touches of insignificant pontifications of a two-bit hooker!
Where do you go? What do you do?
Life is just an unblended emptiness that is slowly filled with the constant ticking of your heart that matches the rhythmic ticking of the proverbial universal clock that we do not see but feel through experience.
It is blank the second before and the second before that and will slowly come painted as is, in full Technicolor with each tick and tock.
Life is just a funny funny little thing.
I never appreciated it before. I always harped on the negative, being so critical and analytical that I am. All aspects of my life is constantly dissected in my mind, turned, prodded, poked, and dissected some more.
I live a life full in the past, always thinking of the what-ifs possibilities that I can never relive and never rechoose my choices; living with the regrets of poor decisions that I've made time and time again.
But as always, life is all about experience. It is all about going through the motions, going through the actions, and seeing for oneself how things are to gain that valuable life-experience of "being there" "doing that" so you can say that you’ve "been there, done that" and you can move on and not look at it anymore.
Live and die. Love and hate. There shouldn't be any regrets and there shouldn't be any self-pity and loathing on your part because any choices that you made or missed opportunities that may arise is all because you chose at that time with the information that you were given. Making the snap decisions of life that everyone does time and time again. There's no time to think about the choices you made at that moment. That time comes after you make those choices and you struggle with the idea whether it is a good choice or not. Is it a good choice?
Should I stay or should I go?
I don't know. That is the big question. That is the big question that is hanging over my head right now. Should I stay or should I go? Again, I can't base this decision on anyone, no one. It has to come from me. I have to come to this decision on my own and I have to live and die by this decision.
Moving home. That's big. That's huge. I never thought that 2008 is going to be so full of changes. New job for sure. Possibly a new/old home? Who knows? It's all up in the air. Am I scared, frightened about my future?
If I say that I'm not, that's a lie. I am scared, a little frightened about where my life is going to end up after the year. Fuck, by the middle of the year. Where am I going to be?
As the time flies by, and the more I think about it, the inkling feeling that I should move home is gnawing in my skull, my brain, my heart, and it's becoming such a prominent thought in my head that I can't shake it anymore. I can't think about it too much, because it will just blind my decisions, coming up with "reasons" for me to move back, to comfort me. I can't do that. I can only make the snap, thin-sliced decisions, that I am so used to.
Go by my gut, go by my instincts.
Now I'm not saying that my gut is the Golden Compass that is never wrong. Fuck, that is not the case. I have made some bad decisions in my life based on my gut, but overall, I do trust it. I'm still trying to learn from my gut, what to actually believe and what to dismiss. It's not easy, because that sinking feeling in your gut just sits there and then the rational part of your brain steps in and makes you step back and rethink things. It reins in the impulses that I usually have, to make my decisions based on feelings and emotions.
What should I do? Where should I go?
Don't think about it too much and just let things happen. You know what you want to do when that time comes. I'm just needlessly stressing myself out, creating doubt that I can't afford to have because my small tiny brain is full already with things that I do need to think about.
I broke the news to the rest of my family today that I'm going to move back...sooner or later and that there's a possibility that it might be sooner. March is my deadline.
It was set by Cat, but again, I can't rely on her. I have to come up with my own decision to stay or go independently of her. She doesn't even know where she's going to go yet. I can't rely on that.
I can't read it. I can't read us. I can't read what this is going to be. There's this reason of doubt that it is going to last, because most likely it won't. It just can't. There's just too much there that is so unknown. But there is that fucking optimism again. It's just there too, thinking that it all might work out for the best. That there might be a happy happy in there. Whether there is a ever after, "HA!" is all I can say to that.
I don't know what my future brings. I don't know what it will be like if I do manage to move home.
All I know is that I'm old. I feel old. I have always felt old, have been old. I'm just an old wise sage. Will I find a job that supports myself and my dog up in Washington? Where will I live?
All I know for a fact right now if I do manage to move home, I can't live with anyone. I will be on my own, in my own house or apartment with my dog. That's what is important to me right now. My independence, my freedom to do whatever I please with whoever I please when I please without any watching critical eyes of family.
How far away from family, my mom, will I be? Who knows?
I don't know, I guess for me, with my old age, I'm finally thinking that I am ready to settle down, maybe start a family if I am ever fortunate enough to find that girl. Who knows about me? Who knows right?
Will I have an outlet to make friends up in Washington? Will I have an outlet to be social? Will I be the social hub or will I just do whatever I please and hang with myself like I usually do?
I don't know anything anymore.
How about the writing? What is going to happen there? Will I abandon it like my abandoned scripts and projects? What am I to do, because I moved down here partly for that? Will I just give up on my dreams of being the Director/Writer so easily without a fight?
Does me moving back mean that I have resigned my dreams and admit defeat that I will never be what I try to make myself out to be?
I don't know. It is sad to think that. Really sad.
But I did try. I made an effort, and I guess hopefully I will continue with it, albeit slowly, but I will continue with it. Going at my own pace. Doing it on my own whim and will.
How hard is my life going to be when I move up? Will I have to battle the bouts of depression because of the lack of Sun in the Northwest? Will I have no friends? I don't know. It's just there and open and a little scary to think that my whole life will get uprooted again and I will have nothing and start fresh again.
In a way, it is refreshing, but in another way, downright fucking frightening. I mean, c'mon dude. DUDE!
As I'm getting older, I just have this nesting feeling, this nesting sensation. I want to just make a nest in my own home, with my current son Pickles, and maybe start a family of my own. Maybe not. I don't know what cards I'll get in the future on that front. I guess I just don't know what my life brings, but I do know that I want to nest, to just settle down and start a family.
I can't imagine doing that down here. Things are just so expensive. Very very expensive. I can't afford my own place. If I do manage to find someone and get married, what about children? Can I raise a kid down here with the exorbant cost of living? The spendy small houses with non-existent yards? Can I?
I don't know. The lifestyle and the people here is just so different from how I grew up. Material things matter more down here than just downright genuine sincerity and good people. Where are all the good people at?
Sigh! That's all I can do about my life right now. Sigh!
Maybe I'm I just need a change to reinvigorate my life right now. Maybe a new job will help. Maybe being in a new city will help. Maybe new friends will help. New hobbies. Just new things. Just different things. Just a different lifestyle. I don't know.
Just a lot of things cloud my mind as I don't know what I want to do. The constant indecisions that just make up my life. That's what I am, a thinking machine of "I don't know". I don't know. Indeed.
Life is just an unblended emptiness that is slowly filled with the constant ticking of your heart that matches the rhythmic ticking of the proverbial universal clock that we do not see but feel through experience.
It is blank the second before and the second before that and will slowly come painted as is, in full Technicolor with each tick and tock.
Life is just a funny funny little thing.
I never appreciated it before. I always harped on the negative, being so critical and analytical that I am. All aspects of my life is constantly dissected in my mind, turned, prodded, poked, and dissected some more.
I live a life full in the past, always thinking of the what-ifs possibilities that I can never relive and never rechoose my choices; living with the regrets of poor decisions that I've made time and time again.
But as always, life is all about experience. It is all about going through the motions, going through the actions, and seeing for oneself how things are to gain that valuable life-experience of "being there" "doing that" so you can say that you’ve "been there, done that" and you can move on and not look at it anymore.
Live and die. Love and hate. There shouldn't be any regrets and there shouldn't be any self-pity and loathing on your part because any choices that you made or missed opportunities that may arise is all because you chose at that time with the information that you were given. Making the snap decisions of life that everyone does time and time again. There's no time to think about the choices you made at that moment. That time comes after you make those choices and you struggle with the idea whether it is a good choice or not. Is it a good choice?
Should I stay or should I go?
I don't know. That is the big question. That is the big question that is hanging over my head right now. Should I stay or should I go? Again, I can't base this decision on anyone, no one. It has to come from me. I have to come to this decision on my own and I have to live and die by this decision.
Moving home. That's big. That's huge. I never thought that 2008 is going to be so full of changes. New job for sure. Possibly a new/old home? Who knows? It's all up in the air. Am I scared, frightened about my future?
If I say that I'm not, that's a lie. I am scared, a little frightened about where my life is going to end up after the year. Fuck, by the middle of the year. Where am I going to be?
As the time flies by, and the more I think about it, the inkling feeling that I should move home is gnawing in my skull, my brain, my heart, and it's becoming such a prominent thought in my head that I can't shake it anymore. I can't think about it too much, because it will just blind my decisions, coming up with "reasons" for me to move back, to comfort me. I can't do that. I can only make the snap, thin-sliced decisions, that I am so used to.
Go by my gut, go by my instincts.
Now I'm not saying that my gut is the Golden Compass that is never wrong. Fuck, that is not the case. I have made some bad decisions in my life based on my gut, but overall, I do trust it. I'm still trying to learn from my gut, what to actually believe and what to dismiss. It's not easy, because that sinking feeling in your gut just sits there and then the rational part of your brain steps in and makes you step back and rethink things. It reins in the impulses that I usually have, to make my decisions based on feelings and emotions.
What should I do? Where should I go?
Don't think about it too much and just let things happen. You know what you want to do when that time comes. I'm just needlessly stressing myself out, creating doubt that I can't afford to have because my small tiny brain is full already with things that I do need to think about.
I broke the news to the rest of my family today that I'm going to move back...sooner or later and that there's a possibility that it might be sooner. March is my deadline.
It was set by Cat, but again, I can't rely on her. I have to come up with my own decision to stay or go independently of her. She doesn't even know where she's going to go yet. I can't rely on that.
I can't read it. I can't read us. I can't read what this is going to be. There's this reason of doubt that it is going to last, because most likely it won't. It just can't. There's just too much there that is so unknown. But there is that fucking optimism again. It's just there too, thinking that it all might work out for the best. That there might be a happy happy in there. Whether there is a ever after, "HA!" is all I can say to that.
I don't know what my future brings. I don't know what it will be like if I do manage to move home.
All I know is that I'm old. I feel old. I have always felt old, have been old. I'm just an old wise sage. Will I find a job that supports myself and my dog up in Washington? Where will I live?
All I know for a fact right now if I do manage to move home, I can't live with anyone. I will be on my own, in my own house or apartment with my dog. That's what is important to me right now. My independence, my freedom to do whatever I please with whoever I please when I please without any watching critical eyes of family.
How far away from family, my mom, will I be? Who knows?
I don't know, I guess for me, with my old age, I'm finally thinking that I am ready to settle down, maybe start a family if I am ever fortunate enough to find that girl. Who knows about me? Who knows right?
Will I have an outlet to make friends up in Washington? Will I have an outlet to be social? Will I be the social hub or will I just do whatever I please and hang with myself like I usually do?
I don't know anything anymore.
How about the writing? What is going to happen there? Will I abandon it like my abandoned scripts and projects? What am I to do, because I moved down here partly for that? Will I just give up on my dreams of being the Director/Writer so easily without a fight?
Does me moving back mean that I have resigned my dreams and admit defeat that I will never be what I try to make myself out to be?
I don't know. It is sad to think that. Really sad.
But I did try. I made an effort, and I guess hopefully I will continue with it, albeit slowly, but I will continue with it. Going at my own pace. Doing it on my own whim and will.
How hard is my life going to be when I move up? Will I have to battle the bouts of depression because of the lack of Sun in the Northwest? Will I have no friends? I don't know. It's just there and open and a little scary to think that my whole life will get uprooted again and I will have nothing and start fresh again.
In a way, it is refreshing, but in another way, downright fucking frightening. I mean, c'mon dude. DUDE!
As I'm getting older, I just have this nesting feeling, this nesting sensation. I want to just make a nest in my own home, with my current son Pickles, and maybe start a family of my own. Maybe not. I don't know what cards I'll get in the future on that front. I guess I just don't know what my life brings, but I do know that I want to nest, to just settle down and start a family.
I can't imagine doing that down here. Things are just so expensive. Very very expensive. I can't afford my own place. If I do manage to find someone and get married, what about children? Can I raise a kid down here with the exorbant cost of living? The spendy small houses with non-existent yards? Can I?
I don't know. The lifestyle and the people here is just so different from how I grew up. Material things matter more down here than just downright genuine sincerity and good people. Where are all the good people at?
Sigh! That's all I can do about my life right now. Sigh!
Maybe I'm I just need a change to reinvigorate my life right now. Maybe a new job will help. Maybe being in a new city will help. Maybe new friends will help. New hobbies. Just new things. Just different things. Just a different lifestyle. I don't know.
Just a lot of things cloud my mind as I don't know what I want to do. The constant indecisions that just make up my life. That's what I am, a thinking machine of "I don't know". I don't know. Indeed.