The Game - Aspects of the Daily Grind - A new approach in life
I'm home. Sitting here in my usual writing spot in the beautiful state of Washington, I'm home.
I read through my blogs this morning, to reflect on the year that was. I read through my big blogs, my yearly blogs of growth; the blogs near my birthday and the year end diatribes to see what insights I had during that time in my life and see if anything has changed since then.
It just amazes me that another year just went by in a flash, a blink of an eye, and again my experiences have become my memories. It is placed alongside the memorable and the unforgettable. The pluses and minuses of having an elephant's memory. You never forget.
So, Christmas time at home; the end of the year; I have to do my yearly Bah Humbug and try to jump into this thing I call my yearly reflections.
2007. Wow. What can I say? This has been the year of my biggest change. I actually do have to admit that this year really came up on me and surprised me the most. My life changed so much this year in such little, subtle ways, that it just baffles my mind how it can happen without me knowing.
Where do I start?
Writing.
The writing that I've done this year has been exceptional. It all started with me finishing with the SUM of love. Again, as I've written in my birthday blog, it is the best thing that I've written. It took me three fucking years to finish the mother fucker, but it is finished and it is really good. I was able to mix the subtle humor and the drama almost perfectly to make it work, to make it flow, to make it stand out. The situations that I put my characters in seem real and not forced. It is just a very natural script and it strongly demonstrates how I've grown and matured as a writer. I'm able to take my time and perfect the situations and focus more on the characters and let them grow as a person and be able to dictate the direction of the script.
Not too long ago, I went to a little "talk" with UCLA's Director of the Screenwriting program, Richard Walters, and he read the script. He said that it was a really really good script of drama. I was able to blend themes and topics that the masters themselves do. Now, he didn't say it is perfect, as I know it isn't perfect, far from it, but it is really good. I'm proud of myself. Really proud.
Magically through some x factors and a stranger's good grace, it is in the hands of a producer at a small production company. The last I learned, she was 20 pages into it. I'm not hoping for a miracle, just that it is read and I'm looking for notes. I'm trying my fucking damnedest not to be excited about it. If she likes it and wants to produce it, great. If she doesn't, c'est la vie. That's what I say.
Now, again the SUM of love took me about three fucking years to write. A month later, I started my last/current script, tentatively titled A Ghost Story of Some Kind, and I am finished. I just finished shortly after Thanksgiving. This is the fastest script that I finished in a while. It took me about six months I would say. Not bad at all. This is also the shortest script. Maybe because it is so rushed and so short, it needs a page one rewrite. It's bad with tons of potential. The writing group has it now and I'm just waiting till the end of the meeting before I reread it with fresh eyes.
This past year has been a very very productive year for me. It really has. I know I still waste a lot of time, but I manage to make something with the time that I don't waste. For that, I'm happy.
The strict schedule that I have in writing, plus the betting schedule I have with Scott, helps tremendously. I have a set deadline of eight pages every two weeks or it is $10. I'm not going to lose to him (knock on wood). I'm not.
Finding a new place to write is good also. Volcano Tea, my favorite boba shop. Not because I like boba, I really don't, but because it is a good place to write. I go in, sit there for about two hours with my 1s and 0s and just plunge into my fantasy world that I think of at that time. Sure it has its own distractions...the loud noise, the customers, the boba girls and the boba girls.
But it is a good place to write. It is a good place to clear my head.
I think I have been going there weekly since the end of last year or earlier this year. My dear readers, as you can tell by the limited numbers of entries I had this year, you can tell that I've been busy working on something else then my regular diatribes and jibjab nonsense of whatever that flows in my head. I've actually been working.
Life.
Life is fucking good. Life has never been better, and I don't know who or what I have to thank for that. Life just changed so subtly that I didn't know that it changed.
Again, there's this confidence in me that just came out of nowhere. It was never there before, but it magically appeared like Lucky Charms and it is "magically delicious'. I know my years down in Los Angeles and steady personal growth and change that happened since I moved down here, especially of the past 3 or 4 years after my father's passing, helped tremendously.
Again, I'm so comfortable in my skin. I know who I am and I know myself inside and out for the most part. My flaws. My strengths. Everything; and I'm able to live with them without any problems.
The smartass, dick, nice guy, asshole that is me. I am okay with that. I am okay with being the dick when I'm frustrated and pissed off. I am opinionated and think in a different way than most of my friends. I'm okay with that. I know where I fit in and where I don't. I'm okay with that. Tis is life. I am me, and here I am.
I don't know, I guess having a great group of genuine/real friends help tremendously. They allow me to be who I am, and they understand who I am for the most part. They don't want me to change or try to change me. They just accept me for who I am and that is all that really matters to me.
With that, I don't know, I guess I just got more and more confident about myself. There's no insecurities of being lost and trying to find my way as I did years and years before. That was a really really tough time for me and I surely surely do not want to experience that again. Knock on wood. Hopefully I'll never be there.
Maybe the whole confidence thing goes hand-in-hand with another thing that I noticed about me this year, my sense of optimism. Again, I don't know where this came from, but it freaks me out. I've never been so optimistic in my life. Most people see me as the pessimist, me, I think of myself as a realist. I never thought that this optimism will come. Again, it probably goes hand-in-hand with the whole confidence thing like peanut butter and jelly. To be confident about oneself and one's future and having faith that everything will turn out all right even when times are tough. But I know in the end, the realist will take over and see that no matter what happens, it was meant to happen, good or bad, especially the bad. Life is life, and life is shit. C'est la vie.
It's just nice to know that my life is finally slowing down and I'm able to relax and breathe and be comfortable in this pace of life that I'm living. I'm able to just do whatever it is that I want, go anywhere I want, and hang with anyone I want, when I want. If they are doing something I don't want to do, I don't go. Plain and simple and they are cool with that, because they know I can be picky on what it is that I do with my time.
I'm just at a point where my life is comfortable. I'm fixed. I'm fixed. I'm fixed. My anger has subsided. What little issues I have left are things that I will slowly chip away at, at my own leisure. I have faith that eventually, I will be totally fixed and there's nothing left for me to change.
I guess it all goes back to personal change and my realization that I'm not perfect. There are a lot of things that I want in my life and to get them, I have to slowly change. Again, I need to make this change on my own and not change for someone. I need to change for myself. If you change for someone, how is that a change? It is only a compromise for that person, and what if you aren't with that person anymore? Will you revert back to the old you?
Also, why would someone want you to change? If they like you, they should like you for who you are? They shouldn't be thinking that, hey, this person is a little fucked up, but he has great potential. He'll be my new project. It doesn't work that way. A great movie that demonstrates this is Neil Labute's The Shape of Things. For those who haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.
Most of this change in me started, I don't know when, but it became more and more prominent towards the middle of the year. Why? Why indeed.
Maybe it is because of Sheilah. I told myself and my friends that after her, I'll give myself a year. I'll take a break from things in a year. I wasn't ready to jump back into the game; not like I have any game, but I wasn't ready to just go find another relationship, whether serious, or casual (which I can never do anyway). I told myself that I give myself a year.
After then, if I find someone that I like, I will hopefully make an effort to ask her out or court her in my own little pathetic little way. I suck, I know. At least I know I suck.
So, come July, it was on.
I don't think I've written about this, but for some odd reason, I had a feeling that I was going to find someone by the end of the year. It is near the end of the year and have I found someone? I don't know. Maybe? I'm the type of person that over think things, and I am most definitely over thinking this right now, but I'm just going to let things be and hope for the best. It's the only thing I can do. I'll just have to open my eyes and just see and experience.
Any who, I'm jumping into tangents left and right, telling a story like Dalia tells it, but eventually I'll get to the point. Just bear with me readers, bear with me.
Any who, I guess one thing that prompted this little change in myself at the middle of the year, besides the whole Sheilah thing, is a health issue.
I blogged about my chest pains. I don't think I wrote a follow-up about it, but my cholesterol was a little high when I went to the doctors in June. Again, there were some dull heart pains that came and went for a few months. Knowing my family's history of heart disease and my father passing away from a heart attack at 44, I got a little worried. My coworkers tell me to go see the doctor, demanded that I go see the doctor, and I did. My cholesterol was high. 200.
He recommended a regiment of exercise and eating healthier. So, that was June, and I decided that I was going to start exercising and eating more healthy to begin with come July, but this gives me a greater incentive. So I consciously made that change for myself. I changed my diet and am hoping that I can go back to the healthy diet now, ran every day, and started to lift. Blah blah blah blah, and it came down. I'm not sure where it is, but I think it is okay. I just need to exercise more.
Any who, but ever since I started to make that conscious effort to change, things started to happen. That confidence thing that I told you about earlier and also a few coworkers commented about how good I look. I don't get that many compliments about my looks, because they are so whatever and I know they are so whatever. There are sometimes that I think secretly to myself that I'm hot, but I know better. Even now, when some coworkers, especially the Austrian, say I'm good looking, I laugh at the ridiculousness of that comment. I'm flattered, but c'mon man. It's me.
Any who, it was a great confidence builder, and eventually as the months go by, I noticed certain things. Strangers will call me cute, or I would lock eyes with strangers and they would smile the smile. I have to say, it's a good feeling to be noticed. A really good feeling to be noticed.
So, this conscious change is a good change. And I never looked back. It felt so natural, like it was a natural change in my life. Something that happened for no rhyme or reason but that it was just a part of life.
Maybe because I'm 28, going on to 29. I'm 28 years 8 months old. It is about that time that astrologers call the return of Saturn.
I'm at that point in my life where things are just perfect; I'm ready to just settle down and face my 30s. I'm no longer lost in my quarter life and things are just falling into place. I'm at a point where I'm ready to settle down in my life. I'm at a point where I'm ready to step up and live the life that I've taken so long to grow to be comfortable with it. It is going to be fucking nice to be able to just live a life without any insecurities.
And to help me take the step into the right direction, I started to date again. I went out into the field and braved the daunting women.
It was in July that I went speed dating with my cousin Yen. It was an experience that I will never forget. I believe I met about 45 girls that time for about 2 minutes each. Some girls were tough to talk to because it was just tough. They didn't want to talk, or we just couldn't find a connection. I felt good. Confident. Everything seemed to be working well. I didn't try to force things and just went with it.
I got a few matches and emailed them and I went out with one. The funny thing about the whole thing was that I don't even remember how any of my matches look like. It was just bad. Even when I went out on a date with one of the dates, I didn't even recognize her until we locked eyes and gave me the nod of recognition at our designated place of meeting up. The date went fine, we chatted and it wasn't awkward at all. It just felt more like hanging out with a friend. I really wasn't attracted to her at all, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I marked her as a match. Later it turned out she was crazy. I sure know how to pick 'em. Fucking crazy lady.
Then later I decided to do eharmony again. I don't know what prompted me to do it, maybe it was the discount that they gave me, but I did it for three months. I would get these matches and start emailing, but I only met up with one. It seems that they keep on sending me matches of Asian girls, who want to be teachers or are teachers. Just weird.
Looking back, it just seems funny that for the longest time, I was never attracted to Asian girls. But now, I have the fever. Maybe it was just because I grew up with a bunch of white people and that I didn't find that many cute Asian girls up in Washington and ever since I've moved down, I'm seeing more and more attractive ones. Or maybe Sheilah had something to do with it, or maybe I’m just getting desperate, but I'm so into them now.
One night, I saw a picture of a new match and thought she was all right, kind of cute. So I contacted her and we were onto communicating outside the service already and I looked at her picture again. Ugh. Not so pretty. I didn't know what I was thinking, but I always give them at least one meeting because some people just aren't photogenic. So I went out and it was what I expected. I wasn't attracted to her, but the date was great. We went to dinner and the conversation was great, everything was working out, but one thing was missing. Chemistry. I didn't feel any chemistry with her. It felt more like hanging out with a friend than anything else. I didn't get that feeling of wanting to call her right after the date just to be able to talk to her again. All I felt was that I needed to get home and be with my dog.
I gave her a second chance to see if it was just the first date jitters, so we went out again. I met her coworkers and we all got along great. But again, something was just missing. It just wasn't there. I knew for sure when it was over, done with. It was when I knew I didn't want to touch her. I'm typically a very touchy feely person. I'll put my hand on the small of your back, or walk close to you so my arm would just softly glide across your arms. But, there was just nothing there. One time she would hook my arm to slow me down because I was walking too fast. Normally I wouldn't mind at all. Though I didn't say it, all I thought of at that time was that she can let go anytime. She can let go any fucking time.
So, eventually I started to not reply to her emails or take my time in replying. I would never email her first and eventually she got the hint. I feel bad for not coming out and tell her, but I just couldn't do it. It's funny, a few weeks ago, I went out to play basketball with a friend of mine and I saw her at the park. She was going to play soccer and she was practicing near the parking lot, which is near the basketball court. I couldn't make her out for sure, but I'm almost positive that it was her. I tried my best to hide myself behind the basketball. I suck, I know.
Other than her, I really didn't meet up with anyone else. I would email and IM another girl in particular and we have maintained that "pen pal", friends in the empty void, relationship and will chat from time to time, but we never met up. We spoke on the phone just once and that was it. Will we ever meet up? I don't know. She's always busy. I asked her out once and she just ignored the question and I just left it at that. And now, I'm her slave.
I don't know how it'll be with her if we do go out. I'm sure I'll just be my smart ass self because I'm not going to try and impress her. There's no reason for me to try and impress her, so things might go well. The pressure is off, if you will. I don't know, but again, I don't think we'll ever meet up, not even to date, but just get dinner or something. Darn.
Oh, and if you are reading this, HI!
But that pretty much brings me to the end of my dating experience, or my 2nd attempt on eharmony. I'm also chatting with this other girl on there, but I don't think it'll ever work out. She lives too far away.
But all in all, my eharmony subscription is over. Things just never work out with me and eharmony and it is always things that happen outside of it works.
So, the girl that I'm supposed to find by the end of the year. I may have found her. She's the boba girl. It took me a damn long time, but it finally happened. It had its missteps, but I think things will work out in the end. See, there's that fucking optimism again.
But all in all, life is good. Life has never been better.
I know I posted this in an earlier post about my family history and how I bonded with my mom, but this year has just been a fucking great year where I've grown up even more and became a better person. I was able to bond with my mom like I never had. I'm comfortable with my life and where I am in my life that I might even considering moving up to Seattle again. Sure there are some reasons that are out of my hands that prompted me to move up there, but if I do end up moving up there, I really don't have a problem with it.
The only thing that I'm worried about is the weather and the lack of sun. I believe I'm the type of person that needs the sun to help with my moods. I think, 'cause it's been a while since I've been in a gloomy place. Maybe I'm just so fixed that it doesn't affect me anymore. I don't know.
All I know is when or if I move back, I'll be living alone with my dog. That's all I want. My mom can't stay with me...not yet. I'm just not ready for that.
So there it is. 2007 is the year that came out of nowhere and surprised me. It will forever always be a year that I will never forget. It is one of those years that changes your life and the direction that it was heading all for the good.
I'm not sure what 2008 is going to bring me. I already know that it is going to bring even more changes and tough decisions. Decisions of moving back, finding a job, making new friends, motivation to write, a serious relationship, maybe. 2008 is going to be the year where I'll be an adult and make very adult decisions in my life. It is the year that I'll settle down.
But till it happens, when it happens and becomes another faded memory in my mind, I'll just take it each day at a time.
So come on 2008. Bring it to me, bring it on. Make it memorable and beautiful.
I read through my blogs this morning, to reflect on the year that was. I read through my big blogs, my yearly blogs of growth; the blogs near my birthday and the year end diatribes to see what insights I had during that time in my life and see if anything has changed since then.
It just amazes me that another year just went by in a flash, a blink of an eye, and again my experiences have become my memories. It is placed alongside the memorable and the unforgettable. The pluses and minuses of having an elephant's memory. You never forget.
So, Christmas time at home; the end of the year; I have to do my yearly Bah Humbug and try to jump into this thing I call my yearly reflections.
2007. Wow. What can I say? This has been the year of my biggest change. I actually do have to admit that this year really came up on me and surprised me the most. My life changed so much this year in such little, subtle ways, that it just baffles my mind how it can happen without me knowing.
Where do I start?
Writing.
The writing that I've done this year has been exceptional. It all started with me finishing with the SUM of love. Again, as I've written in my birthday blog, it is the best thing that I've written. It took me three fucking years to finish the mother fucker, but it is finished and it is really good. I was able to mix the subtle humor and the drama almost perfectly to make it work, to make it flow, to make it stand out. The situations that I put my characters in seem real and not forced. It is just a very natural script and it strongly demonstrates how I've grown and matured as a writer. I'm able to take my time and perfect the situations and focus more on the characters and let them grow as a person and be able to dictate the direction of the script.
Not too long ago, I went to a little "talk" with UCLA's Director of the Screenwriting program, Richard Walters, and he read the script. He said that it was a really really good script of drama. I was able to blend themes and topics that the masters themselves do. Now, he didn't say it is perfect, as I know it isn't perfect, far from it, but it is really good. I'm proud of myself. Really proud.
Magically through some x factors and a stranger's good grace, it is in the hands of a producer at a small production company. The last I learned, she was 20 pages into it. I'm not hoping for a miracle, just that it is read and I'm looking for notes. I'm trying my fucking damnedest not to be excited about it. If she likes it and wants to produce it, great. If she doesn't, c'est la vie. That's what I say.
Now, again the SUM of love took me about three fucking years to write. A month later, I started my last/current script, tentatively titled A Ghost Story of Some Kind, and I am finished. I just finished shortly after Thanksgiving. This is the fastest script that I finished in a while. It took me about six months I would say. Not bad at all. This is also the shortest script. Maybe because it is so rushed and so short, it needs a page one rewrite. It's bad with tons of potential. The writing group has it now and I'm just waiting till the end of the meeting before I reread it with fresh eyes.
This past year has been a very very productive year for me. It really has. I know I still waste a lot of time, but I manage to make something with the time that I don't waste. For that, I'm happy.
The strict schedule that I have in writing, plus the betting schedule I have with Scott, helps tremendously. I have a set deadline of eight pages every two weeks or it is $10. I'm not going to lose to him (knock on wood). I'm not.
Finding a new place to write is good also. Volcano Tea, my favorite boba shop. Not because I like boba, I really don't, but because it is a good place to write. I go in, sit there for about two hours with my 1s and 0s and just plunge into my fantasy world that I think of at that time. Sure it has its own distractions...the loud noise, the customers, the boba girls and the boba girls.
But it is a good place to write. It is a good place to clear my head.
I think I have been going there weekly since the end of last year or earlier this year. My dear readers, as you can tell by the limited numbers of entries I had this year, you can tell that I've been busy working on something else then my regular diatribes and jibjab nonsense of whatever that flows in my head. I've actually been working.
Life.
Life is fucking good. Life has never been better, and I don't know who or what I have to thank for that. Life just changed so subtly that I didn't know that it changed.
Again, there's this confidence in me that just came out of nowhere. It was never there before, but it magically appeared like Lucky Charms and it is "magically delicious'. I know my years down in Los Angeles and steady personal growth and change that happened since I moved down here, especially of the past 3 or 4 years after my father's passing, helped tremendously.
Again, I'm so comfortable in my skin. I know who I am and I know myself inside and out for the most part. My flaws. My strengths. Everything; and I'm able to live with them without any problems.
The smartass, dick, nice guy, asshole that is me. I am okay with that. I am okay with being the dick when I'm frustrated and pissed off. I am opinionated and think in a different way than most of my friends. I'm okay with that. I know where I fit in and where I don't. I'm okay with that. Tis is life. I am me, and here I am.
I don't know, I guess having a great group of genuine/real friends help tremendously. They allow me to be who I am, and they understand who I am for the most part. They don't want me to change or try to change me. They just accept me for who I am and that is all that really matters to me.
With that, I don't know, I guess I just got more and more confident about myself. There's no insecurities of being lost and trying to find my way as I did years and years before. That was a really really tough time for me and I surely surely do not want to experience that again. Knock on wood. Hopefully I'll never be there.
Maybe the whole confidence thing goes hand-in-hand with another thing that I noticed about me this year, my sense of optimism. Again, I don't know where this came from, but it freaks me out. I've never been so optimistic in my life. Most people see me as the pessimist, me, I think of myself as a realist. I never thought that this optimism will come. Again, it probably goes hand-in-hand with the whole confidence thing like peanut butter and jelly. To be confident about oneself and one's future and having faith that everything will turn out all right even when times are tough. But I know in the end, the realist will take over and see that no matter what happens, it was meant to happen, good or bad, especially the bad. Life is life, and life is shit. C'est la vie.
It's just nice to know that my life is finally slowing down and I'm able to relax and breathe and be comfortable in this pace of life that I'm living. I'm able to just do whatever it is that I want, go anywhere I want, and hang with anyone I want, when I want. If they are doing something I don't want to do, I don't go. Plain and simple and they are cool with that, because they know I can be picky on what it is that I do with my time.
I'm just at a point where my life is comfortable. I'm fixed. I'm fixed. I'm fixed. My anger has subsided. What little issues I have left are things that I will slowly chip away at, at my own leisure. I have faith that eventually, I will be totally fixed and there's nothing left for me to change.
I guess it all goes back to personal change and my realization that I'm not perfect. There are a lot of things that I want in my life and to get them, I have to slowly change. Again, I need to make this change on my own and not change for someone. I need to change for myself. If you change for someone, how is that a change? It is only a compromise for that person, and what if you aren't with that person anymore? Will you revert back to the old you?
Also, why would someone want you to change? If they like you, they should like you for who you are? They shouldn't be thinking that, hey, this person is a little fucked up, but he has great potential. He'll be my new project. It doesn't work that way. A great movie that demonstrates this is Neil Labute's The Shape of Things. For those who haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.
Most of this change in me started, I don't know when, but it became more and more prominent towards the middle of the year. Why? Why indeed.
Maybe it is because of Sheilah. I told myself and my friends that after her, I'll give myself a year. I'll take a break from things in a year. I wasn't ready to jump back into the game; not like I have any game, but I wasn't ready to just go find another relationship, whether serious, or casual (which I can never do anyway). I told myself that I give myself a year.
After then, if I find someone that I like, I will hopefully make an effort to ask her out or court her in my own little pathetic little way. I suck, I know. At least I know I suck.
So, come July, it was on.
I don't think I've written about this, but for some odd reason, I had a feeling that I was going to find someone by the end of the year. It is near the end of the year and have I found someone? I don't know. Maybe? I'm the type of person that over think things, and I am most definitely over thinking this right now, but I'm just going to let things be and hope for the best. It's the only thing I can do. I'll just have to open my eyes and just see and experience.
Any who, I'm jumping into tangents left and right, telling a story like Dalia tells it, but eventually I'll get to the point. Just bear with me readers, bear with me.
Any who, I guess one thing that prompted this little change in myself at the middle of the year, besides the whole Sheilah thing, is a health issue.
I blogged about my chest pains. I don't think I wrote a follow-up about it, but my cholesterol was a little high when I went to the doctors in June. Again, there were some dull heart pains that came and went for a few months. Knowing my family's history of heart disease and my father passing away from a heart attack at 44, I got a little worried. My coworkers tell me to go see the doctor, demanded that I go see the doctor, and I did. My cholesterol was high. 200.
He recommended a regiment of exercise and eating healthier. So, that was June, and I decided that I was going to start exercising and eating more healthy to begin with come July, but this gives me a greater incentive. So I consciously made that change for myself. I changed my diet and am hoping that I can go back to the healthy diet now, ran every day, and started to lift. Blah blah blah blah, and it came down. I'm not sure where it is, but I think it is okay. I just need to exercise more.
Any who, but ever since I started to make that conscious effort to change, things started to happen. That confidence thing that I told you about earlier and also a few coworkers commented about how good I look. I don't get that many compliments about my looks, because they are so whatever and I know they are so whatever. There are sometimes that I think secretly to myself that I'm hot, but I know better. Even now, when some coworkers, especially the Austrian, say I'm good looking, I laugh at the ridiculousness of that comment. I'm flattered, but c'mon man. It's me.
Any who, it was a great confidence builder, and eventually as the months go by, I noticed certain things. Strangers will call me cute, or I would lock eyes with strangers and they would smile the smile. I have to say, it's a good feeling to be noticed. A really good feeling to be noticed.
So, this conscious change is a good change. And I never looked back. It felt so natural, like it was a natural change in my life. Something that happened for no rhyme or reason but that it was just a part of life.
Maybe because I'm 28, going on to 29. I'm 28 years 8 months old. It is about that time that astrologers call the return of Saturn.
I'm at that point in my life where things are just perfect; I'm ready to just settle down and face my 30s. I'm no longer lost in my quarter life and things are just falling into place. I'm at a point where I'm ready to settle down in my life. I'm at a point where I'm ready to step up and live the life that I've taken so long to grow to be comfortable with it. It is going to be fucking nice to be able to just live a life without any insecurities.
And to help me take the step into the right direction, I started to date again. I went out into the field and braved the daunting women.
It was in July that I went speed dating with my cousin Yen. It was an experience that I will never forget. I believe I met about 45 girls that time for about 2 minutes each. Some girls were tough to talk to because it was just tough. They didn't want to talk, or we just couldn't find a connection. I felt good. Confident. Everything seemed to be working well. I didn't try to force things and just went with it.
I got a few matches and emailed them and I went out with one. The funny thing about the whole thing was that I don't even remember how any of my matches look like. It was just bad. Even when I went out on a date with one of the dates, I didn't even recognize her until we locked eyes and gave me the nod of recognition at our designated place of meeting up. The date went fine, we chatted and it wasn't awkward at all. It just felt more like hanging out with a friend. I really wasn't attracted to her at all, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I marked her as a match. Later it turned out she was crazy. I sure know how to pick 'em. Fucking crazy lady.
Then later I decided to do eharmony again. I don't know what prompted me to do it, maybe it was the discount that they gave me, but I did it for three months. I would get these matches and start emailing, but I only met up with one. It seems that they keep on sending me matches of Asian girls, who want to be teachers or are teachers. Just weird.
Looking back, it just seems funny that for the longest time, I was never attracted to Asian girls. But now, I have the fever. Maybe it was just because I grew up with a bunch of white people and that I didn't find that many cute Asian girls up in Washington and ever since I've moved down, I'm seeing more and more attractive ones. Or maybe Sheilah had something to do with it, or maybe I’m just getting desperate, but I'm so into them now.
One night, I saw a picture of a new match and thought she was all right, kind of cute. So I contacted her and we were onto communicating outside the service already and I looked at her picture again. Ugh. Not so pretty. I didn't know what I was thinking, but I always give them at least one meeting because some people just aren't photogenic. So I went out and it was what I expected. I wasn't attracted to her, but the date was great. We went to dinner and the conversation was great, everything was working out, but one thing was missing. Chemistry. I didn't feel any chemistry with her. It felt more like hanging out with a friend than anything else. I didn't get that feeling of wanting to call her right after the date just to be able to talk to her again. All I felt was that I needed to get home and be with my dog.
I gave her a second chance to see if it was just the first date jitters, so we went out again. I met her coworkers and we all got along great. But again, something was just missing. It just wasn't there. I knew for sure when it was over, done with. It was when I knew I didn't want to touch her. I'm typically a very touchy feely person. I'll put my hand on the small of your back, or walk close to you so my arm would just softly glide across your arms. But, there was just nothing there. One time she would hook my arm to slow me down because I was walking too fast. Normally I wouldn't mind at all. Though I didn't say it, all I thought of at that time was that she can let go anytime. She can let go any fucking time.
So, eventually I started to not reply to her emails or take my time in replying. I would never email her first and eventually she got the hint. I feel bad for not coming out and tell her, but I just couldn't do it. It's funny, a few weeks ago, I went out to play basketball with a friend of mine and I saw her at the park. She was going to play soccer and she was practicing near the parking lot, which is near the basketball court. I couldn't make her out for sure, but I'm almost positive that it was her. I tried my best to hide myself behind the basketball. I suck, I know.
Other than her, I really didn't meet up with anyone else. I would email and IM another girl in particular and we have maintained that "pen pal", friends in the empty void, relationship and will chat from time to time, but we never met up. We spoke on the phone just once and that was it. Will we ever meet up? I don't know. She's always busy. I asked her out once and she just ignored the question and I just left it at that. And now, I'm her slave.
I don't know how it'll be with her if we do go out. I'm sure I'll just be my smart ass self because I'm not going to try and impress her. There's no reason for me to try and impress her, so things might go well. The pressure is off, if you will. I don't know, but again, I don't think we'll ever meet up, not even to date, but just get dinner or something. Darn.
Oh, and if you are reading this, HI!
But that pretty much brings me to the end of my dating experience, or my 2nd attempt on eharmony. I'm also chatting with this other girl on there, but I don't think it'll ever work out. She lives too far away.
But all in all, my eharmony subscription is over. Things just never work out with me and eharmony and it is always things that happen outside of it works.
So, the girl that I'm supposed to find by the end of the year. I may have found her. She's the boba girl. It took me a damn long time, but it finally happened. It had its missteps, but I think things will work out in the end. See, there's that fucking optimism again.
But all in all, life is good. Life has never been better.
I know I posted this in an earlier post about my family history and how I bonded with my mom, but this year has just been a fucking great year where I've grown up even more and became a better person. I was able to bond with my mom like I never had. I'm comfortable with my life and where I am in my life that I might even considering moving up to Seattle again. Sure there are some reasons that are out of my hands that prompted me to move up there, but if I do end up moving up there, I really don't have a problem with it.
The only thing that I'm worried about is the weather and the lack of sun. I believe I'm the type of person that needs the sun to help with my moods. I think, 'cause it's been a while since I've been in a gloomy place. Maybe I'm just so fixed that it doesn't affect me anymore. I don't know.
All I know is when or if I move back, I'll be living alone with my dog. That's all I want. My mom can't stay with me...not yet. I'm just not ready for that.
So there it is. 2007 is the year that came out of nowhere and surprised me. It will forever always be a year that I will never forget. It is one of those years that changes your life and the direction that it was heading all for the good.
I'm not sure what 2008 is going to bring me. I already know that it is going to bring even more changes and tough decisions. Decisions of moving back, finding a job, making new friends, motivation to write, a serious relationship, maybe. 2008 is going to be the year where I'll be an adult and make very adult decisions in my life. It is the year that I'll settle down.
But till it happens, when it happens and becomes another faded memory in my mind, I'll just take it each day at a time.
So come on 2008. Bring it to me, bring it on. Make it memorable and beautiful.