ah yes days before the bros b-day and still no gift for the chap.....
so yeah life seems to be moving along ok....but for some reason when all seems "still" and finally peaceful i am the most sad! this doesnt make sense to me in a large way! it makes me think that im just sad all the time and didnt even know it because my life has always been full of nasty things...so when all seems to be ok and i finally figured out how to deal with the Manic Depressive, the Jewish "ex"-alcoholic, and the loss of a love i feel worse than i ever did!!! i mean i guess not....i feel pretty much the same as i always have BUT this time everything is fine around me, or im fine around it! it just doesnt make sense! i should be happy! im making and saving money, i still am able to buy what i want as long as i can afford it, im not grounded!, i get to see my friends!, things are pretty much fly except the lack of a lover but....that will take time. so why am i still sad?!!?!?!?!?! no explanation! so i took the liberty.......THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!.....and asked my parents if i could see Jen! what the fuck!! i know THAT makes no sense either! but it shows you AND me how confused and frustrated i really am to have gone to that measure when it has always been sort of a punishment to me! fuck! the world turns again!!!!