Have I learned enough about failure yet?

[hermit_songs]

Another no, from the orchestra job, and one last audition, which will not go well (I have an aria on my list that will definitely be asked for and really doesn't suit my voice, but I didn't realize that until now-ish), for a school which I don't want to go to (Temple). I am realizing that I was not in a million years ready for grad school--vocally, personally, financially or in any other way--and am almost suspicious that my teacher pushed me to apply because she just doesn't want to teach me anymore. Just when I was starting to think I could settle down here, all options seem to have dried up. I might not mind staying at AVA, even though things are especially stupid there right now. Nothing I can think of feels right at all, not even moving to Boston. I dislike change, and I just started acting like I live here really--looking for churches, getting a gym membership, starting a hobby I think I will really like (capoeira), actually making friends. I spent at least a year wandering around Philly absolutely hating everything and feeling like I had no one at all, and it always takes at least that long for me (every year at Haverford was the same thing...I finally started making friends and then we'd leave for the summer). I can't keep uprooting myself every year and starting over. I am so hideously lonely, and this is BETTER than this time last year.

I want my mouse-brown hair back, so that nasty old leering men don't tell me to smile when I'm walking home from work trying not to cry.