Dawn of the Dean/Angel Badfic!
It's back and in its seventh chapter! I swear, the dialogue gets cheesier and more syrupy and the logic gets more convoluted with every chapter.
Sporking in bold.
Angel slid behind the wheel and pushed the key in the ignition, rotating it gently. The Impala purred to life and the vampire with her.
Car!porn!!! SQUEE!!!!
- This car is magnificent…
Finally! Something this fic and I can agree on!
- She is my baby. I still can’t believe that you don’t know anything about the world in this century but you understand everything about the cars.
Neither can I, Dean. Neither can I.
- Cars have been around since the end of the 1800s. They are almost as old as me… I was always fascinated with them…
Actually, Angel, cars are at least 120 years younger than you. To quote Rose Tyler, "That's one hell of an age gap."
- What about the music?
You mean the Music of the Night(TM)?
- I have a spot for the early rock. Zeppelin, Sabbath, Purple, thing like that..
Deep Purple should never be called only by the second word in its name. *shudders*
- ZEPPELIN RULES DUDE!
Ned Shneebly---I mean, Dewey Finn is in this fic? It may not be so bad after all!
Angel laughed, his sensitive ears screaming at that piercing shout but he was happy.
Screaming ears...that's an interesting mental image.
- Angel-cakes! What is bringing you here this time? And who is that handsome individual with you. -
At last, someone who's at least sort of in character!
- Lorne, that’s Dean. Don’t try to shake hands with him, he’s a hunter…
- And his hands are all calloused and blistered and his fingers are kind of crooked from so many breaks...But it turns me on.-
- Your friends are my friends too. - Dean nodded but he looked around and swallowed he had never before seen so many demons in one place.
Alright. That's it. I'm organizing a search party to look for the REAL Dean and Angel. Who's with me?
- We need some info, Lorne. Somebody has been taking vampires and doing something to them. So that they can’t bite. Know anything about it?
Well, logic says that someone surgically removed their fangs. But logic apparently doesn't exist here.
The green demon was silent for a moment.
Before he burst into an Elton John song.
- I may have heard something here and there...I'm the host after all. It seems to be a military job.
The military makes for a lame antagonist, really.
- Human?
No, goblin.
Dean face became dark.
Who is "Dean face" and when did he get there?
- I don't kill humans.
- But I do kill spiders, bees, wasps, hornets, yellowjackets, ants, grasshoppers, centipedes...
- Dammit… - Angel ran a hand through his hair.
So Angel's code is "Don't kill humans unless they're in the military?"
- They say the military have a whole secret establishment on the outskirts of the town. Got all types of creatures there. Doing bad stuff. Bad experiments. You don’t want to get involved in this Angel-cakes… -
Something BAAAAAD---um, sorry, bad is happening in LA.
They put chips inside their heads. So that they can track them and prohibit them from biting or hurting any human. Then they keep them like that for a month
This is a bad thing? Sounds like protection to me.
- then…then they hunt them down and kill them. News spread that…vampires have their razors taken out and holy water is poured in the wounds so that they can’t grow back.
*eyeroll*
Do you have ecstasy? -
Like the drug or an orgasm?
- It’s for extremely bad situations only.
Because getting high in battle is always so productive.
- Drugs don’t work on vampires like they do with humans. If things get ugly, I might have to release him for a while… Lorne, get me these pills. -
That's not the kind of "ecstasy" that releases Angelus. Someone Did Not Do The Research.
- You mean…Him…Like Angelus? - Dean whispered.
- No, I mean Barry Manilow. -
- Yeah. Even if I don’t want to admit it, he’s a better killer than I am. He could wipe half of these soldiers before they blinked. - The demon returned and gave me a small bottle. - Thanks.
The Fridge Logic is killing me. And yes, I spend way too much time on TVTropes.org.
-He could kill me also. - Dean said without fear.
Shouldn't he have said it with fear?
- He won’t. He thinks of you as his property. So is Spike. He treasures his toys.
Now I'm picturing Spike and Dean as plushies. And I want those plushies.
- I’m only your property and your toy. - Dean’s gaze became dark. - I won’t let him touch me.
Why do I want to bludgeon this impostor to death with a baseball bat?
There's so much to spork in this chapter that I may have to split it into two parts.