EMO! sitting here and thinking things EMO!
have you ever realized somthing about yourself thatsurprised you? then maybe you wanted to talk about it but couldn't get the nerve? it's the weirdest thing ever. I feel so alone and sad and and I don't understand. I want somthing more then anything more then my dreams and I feel entitalted to get it. yet I know since I feel so entitled i won't get it until I give up this need and it's like a vicouse cycle. I want......and I cant have it. so i felt like I need to hide to put up a face becouse i don't want to be hurt i don't want to be broken and expressing feelings is hard. i feel them and it s painful and i just can't...i don't know talk about them. it's easer when i'm not reading depressing crap. so read this story and it got to me. it made me think of all the barney like things that i have. yes loyal yes trust issues but armer to. i never thought about that one. and it's so hard trying to talk about things and not try and change the subject or try and be funny. I sort of think it's better to stop trying stop looking for someone stop everything amd and be selfish.haha tryed to imagin being selfish. can't. not that i'm neverselfish but barney like selfishness. hurting my self becouse i don't want to get hurt trying to pull it off trying to be fake awesome 24/7/365. could never ever happen. like being jedi. still feel things were as barney may not. poor man. somtimes i think of being a nun. i could do that. I mean I wouldn't have to wory about finding man. just God in everything. then i think thats lame like giving up. I want to be a mom and wife more then anything. if i had a choice lose my sight,never read again draw anything, or become mom and fall in love I would not take books. thats somthing I've never told anybody. I don't no if i could ever tell any body. i don't think tori checks this anymore and i don't know if i really wn't her to. she's my bestfreind and i m trying tobe good; her first boyfriend and all but i don;t know I'm so jellouse. andthat hurts to becouse it's bad. I really like victor he's cool but i don't want to share (see? can be selfish)i hurt. it makes me wanna cry. so just gonna try being fake awesome not feel tomorow see how long it lasts.