~It Gets Better from Here on in, Right?~
I don't really know if medication is right for me, and I'm really confused. I've been told so many different opinions, and I just don't know.
Right now, I just need someone to ask me how I really feel. Laura always says she can feel my "vibes" and when I'm not happy, but those "vibes" are more obvious things like me being short and sharp with her, or not talking for a while. Why? It's not that I want to be a bitch, it's just I honestly don't have the energy sometimes. She's just left without noticing I'm not being enthusiastic. Wo0t.
I don't really like discussing it with my parents, if only for the fact I don't want to upset them, and I delayed talking to my best friend about it because...oh, I don't know. But, now that she's with her boyfriend and she knows why I act how I do, she doesn't seem to have too much time for me. I mean, she's online for 5 hours each night, but she talks to her boyfriend, and once in a while actually talks to me. Their whole relationship used to surround the computer and text messaging because she didn't remember his phone number or his address.
She blames it on being blonde.
We used to actually used the time we were online to do somethings we used to do back when we lived practically across the road from each other, but she's always too busy now.
We used to laugh about my stupid immigration situation, and she used to go as much out of her way to cheer me up as I did her. I mean, when I missed the Moi dix Mois concert in Berlin, she really tried so hard to make me feel better, because she knew I really wanted to go. Same goes for the Munich concert because she and I had planned to go since the rumours of a Europe tour had first surfaced.
I really guess I just miss having some close friends.
I went to Jessicah's birthday part last night. It was fun, I was feeling great, but I started to realize that I really wasn't over her, and that sucked. I thought I was. I mean, I feel stupid enough to still have feelings for her, but I hated myself for feeling jealousy towards Jayla for the first time. I mean, it's a petty thing and I really never want to feel any jealousy because the two of them are happy together, but...I really do miss her. We don't even hang out together anymore, and thats awful because we were really close before feelings got involved, I became an idiot in dealing with them. She forgave me for how I dealt with that, but I guess I still haven't forgiven myself.
Then there's the matter of Tatsurou who, though I love him dearly as a friend, I don't see him as a romantic interest, but he can't see that. I don't know quite how to let him down, but I know delaying is never good, but I still want his friendship. He kissed me, and I went along with that because it's what he wanted... Oh, I'm such a fool. I go and dig these holes for myself and just ruin things for everyone else. I mean, I have feelings for two people, and two people have feelings for me, but...
If I can't get over Jess then allowing anything between Shoji and I to go on is cruel and unfair, isn't it? I could try, and you never know, it may just divert my attention from Jessicah entirely, but it doesn't seem right to take a chance like that, because people can really get hurt in all this, and nobody deserves it...
I wish there were distractions everywhere....
Right now, I just need someone to ask me how I really feel. Laura always says she can feel my "vibes" and when I'm not happy, but those "vibes" are more obvious things like me being short and sharp with her, or not talking for a while. Why? It's not that I want to be a bitch, it's just I honestly don't have the energy sometimes. She's just left without noticing I'm not being enthusiastic. Wo0t.
I don't really like discussing it with my parents, if only for the fact I don't want to upset them, and I delayed talking to my best friend about it because...oh, I don't know. But, now that she's with her boyfriend and she knows why I act how I do, she doesn't seem to have too much time for me. I mean, she's online for 5 hours each night, but she talks to her boyfriend, and once in a while actually talks to me. Their whole relationship used to surround the computer and text messaging because she didn't remember his phone number or his address.
She blames it on being blonde.
We used to actually used the time we were online to do somethings we used to do back when we lived practically across the road from each other, but she's always too busy now.
We used to laugh about my stupid immigration situation, and she used to go as much out of her way to cheer me up as I did her. I mean, when I missed the Moi dix Mois concert in Berlin, she really tried so hard to make me feel better, because she knew I really wanted to go. Same goes for the Munich concert because she and I had planned to go since the rumours of a Europe tour had first surfaced.
I really guess I just miss having some close friends.
I went to Jessicah's birthday part last night. It was fun, I was feeling great, but I started to realize that I really wasn't over her, and that sucked. I thought I was. I mean, I feel stupid enough to still have feelings for her, but I hated myself for feeling jealousy towards Jayla for the first time. I mean, it's a petty thing and I really never want to feel any jealousy because the two of them are happy together, but...I really do miss her. We don't even hang out together anymore, and thats awful because we were really close before feelings got involved, I became an idiot in dealing with them. She forgave me for how I dealt with that, but I guess I still haven't forgiven myself.
Then there's the matter of Tatsurou who, though I love him dearly as a friend, I don't see him as a romantic interest, but he can't see that. I don't know quite how to let him down, but I know delaying is never good, but I still want his friendship. He kissed me, and I went along with that because it's what he wanted... Oh, I'm such a fool. I go and dig these holes for myself and just ruin things for everyone else. I mean, I have feelings for two people, and two people have feelings for me, but...
If I can't get over Jess then allowing anything between Shoji and I to go on is cruel and unfair, isn't it? I could try, and you never know, it may just divert my attention from Jessicah entirely, but it doesn't seem right to take a chance like that, because people can really get hurt in all this, and nobody deserves it...
I wish there were distractions everywhere....