Oh life, you are never boring...
So I've made the decision to drop theory. It's just too much. Too much pressure, too much work, to difficult to not get below a B on anything else I do in that class and hpoefully pass. It's the realization that everything I've done in the last four years would be completely and totally worth nothing if I get kicked out of the Ed department that made the decision for me. It also did something else: made me realize just exactly what a gigantic risk I'm taking by doing what I'm doing, by trying to do a music major on top of a perfectly acceptable job I've done on my English degree. And it wasn't just that ridiculous talk that Dr. Tate gave us today during class. Dr. Tate and her opinion that we all suck and should quit music because we don't want it for the right reasons can blow me. I want it for the right reasons, I just am not really too good at it. This doesn't mean that I don't have the dedication required. Hell, it may even mean that I just have a problem learning the way Dr. Tate teaches. But I hate that the people who I feel the least support from are my advisor and the teacher of approximately half my classes.
Which has led me to some interesting conclusions. I think I'm going to graduate. I set myself up so that this would be an option, and I think, if I can swing it, that I'm going to do it. It would require me to start taking my methods classes this summer, finish them a year from now, and student teach a year from January, while still taking lessons with Dr. Grugin. But I don't know how this will impact my admission status to the music department, how that will go over Dr. Grant, or whatever. Furthermore, my mother wants me to graduate and go somewhere else for my music degree where I won't have to deal with Dr. Grant, and won't have to deal with learning poorly from Dr. Tate. She even suggested I go home and live there.
My problems with this idea are so huge though. I have a huge chip on my shoulder with my music degree because the number of times Dr. Grant and Dr. Tate have told me that I won't ever be able to do it. And I know this is a terrible reason, but it makes me SO ANGRY that they think they can keep me from doing something that I want so bad. I have this burning desire to tell them to shut it and graduate anyway. Furthermore, I don't want to leave Northern. I love this school, I love going to this school, and I've made such a life for myself here that I don't want to go to some other school and have to start over.
But then I start to think about the fact that when I graduate, I'll be doing that anyway. How much of this is because I don't want to graduate, that I don't want to grow up, that I'm not ready to be on my own? I don't want to have to start a new life somewhere else. I don't want to leave behind marching band, the leadership I have in the band, skating, skiing, my friends. I'm just astounded by how little I want to move on with my life, how I've somehow regressed from where I was a few years ago, just wishing to be done with school and working and starting my life. I'm scared to death. I'd be perfectly happy doing this forever, and never being a real adult and the problem with this is that I'm really scared this is all going to influence my decision about whether to continue my degree here if I'm not supposed to. I don't want to be wasting my time. But if I'm happy here, am I really wasting my time? Or amy I just trying to delay the inevitable?
This stupid day has given me so much to think about.
In other news, my eyes are better but not great yet. I have to wait another week before I can wear my contacts. Which means I'm marching in glasses for the first time in my entire life on Saturday. UGH. And the other development in my life has made completely and totally optimistic and is threatening to shake my whole "I know this could end any second" preparedness. But the fact that my optimism about relationships is back makes me even happier... so I don't know, lol. All I know is that it has been a long time since I felt this way about anyone, and it makes me so unbelievably happy. There's nothing else left but to have faith.
And eat cupcakes, of course. :)