Life Updates 2011
Mmpf...I kinda feel ashamed that I didn't post ANYTHING since last year.
Anyway...because I'm feeling like (and I finally dare to write) it...here's what happened in 2011:
1. Study
Everything seems fine. I made all my deadlines received feedback that was kinda okay and got good grades.
I only got two semesters left and that makes me feel...well...I'd lye if I said I wasn't afraid.
My Bachelor project is going to be a comic about comics and I really thought it was cool as hell...but after discovering bit by bit how much the DC reboot sucks I'm not very motivated to do anything.
I barely go to my courses atm but why's that you'll see later...
2. Love
Claudia and I are running fast to our 4 th year together. We love each other like a sappy couple should. :)
She's my one and only support and I'm still very grateful that I can be together with her.
3. Remember the Internship from last year?
It was a great time and I got a great reference from Panini. I wish I could work there someday...
4. Drawing
I am...not very confident about anything from me right now when it comes to drawing.
Of course I force myself to draw from time to time but I am not very happy about the results :/
I definitely need more training.
5. Strawberry Heroes - The third show "Superbuddies" (working title)
As you can see "working title" doesn't mean anything good ^^;
Due to my and Claudia's study stuff we had to rearrange our plans concerning the third stage show.
We didn't have the full cast and after some stuff happened recently it was a good idea that we didn't worked for a
debut for 2012. The show is still in production but the premiere will be in 2013.
6. Cosplay
Claudia and I won the German prelim of the World Cosplay Summit 2012 and are now the German Team 2012 who will go
to Japan, Nagoya, to represent our country!
We're stupidly proud of ourselves because we never would have guessed that we could actually win!
Friends and family are suddenly 'pro-cosplay' and we're just happy.
(if you want to see what we're doing in the meantime til we go to japan look over here at our WCS journal:
http://wcs-germany-12.livejournal.com/ )
7. Family
...
...
okay...that's the real reason why I even started this entry...
My little sister had an abortion around September 2009. She only told my father she was pregnant and her shitty boyfriend didn't want the kid. My father paid for the abortion. And only when my sister and her ex split up (it was quite nasty) my mom found everything out.
You can imagine what happened to my sister's and mom's relationship after that.
I won't expand that fact because...well it's a fucked up story that started when my mom and my dad divorced... (all with depressions, lots of lies and all the 'good' stuff)
I will only go to the recent events that really really hurt me.
My sis joined the Strawberry Heroes in 2010 as a 'last-minute'-plan as a replacement for another member.
She wanted to continue to be at the group and I was happy that we could spend some time together via the Strawberries after all the shit that happened.
We agreed that after another member was thrown out (because...gosh was that a mean bitch!) we shouldn't and couldn't rehearse at the old location anymore and so we started to meet at my mom's and sis' flat. (they live next door since the move from Essen to my hometown)
So we met and had a nice weekend so far 'til my sister actually threw us all out, (right in front of all the other Strawberries) because -and now it comes- you will love this- because I didn't do what she said and/or claimed that I should do.
There were allegations and reprovals from her like 'I work three weeks in a row that's my first free weekend' and 'why aren't you doing what you said you would do' and as I already said...the final was when she actually said 'we all could go then'.
After a quite big breakdown I decided I don't want to see my sister in quite a long time.
(incl. christmas and stuff...)
My mom and grandma already said stuff like 'oooh why can't you get along again?' and make me feel like I'm the one who's the bad guy in this soap opera....
And the apex...the apex of it all is, that they even tried to explain her behaviour because she's...PREGNANT.
My little sister who had an abortion is PREGNANT. From her boyfriend she's together with like...3 MONTHS.
And no, I can't feel glad about that, not one bit.
As you can see, that is the very-very-short-version of what I can't handle at the moment.
All my thoughts circle around my family. Again. Just like in February 2010...when I got to know the 'whole' story.
Of how my sister is just stupid that she does that to herself.
Of how my mom just drinks too much after work and how I can't bear her moods when we visit her.
Of how I will never be able to tell this family how I really feel at the moment.
Of how happy I am that I don't live with them anymore.
It's christmas eve and I am very sad that my mom didn't ask for professional help after the divorce.
I am who I am because of the experiences I made but sometimes it's just rough and hard to bear it all.
I know it isn't my problem what my mom or my sis does but god damn it I hate it when they try to blame me for everything or for the fact that I know the consequences that follow if you're too hurt and don't want that anymore.
*sighs*
Anyway...
Because New Year's Eve isn't that far away and I won't write another entry in this year (I won't fool myself) here are my good intentions for 2012:
-get myself finally tested on ADD/ADHD (I want to do that since winter 2009...it would explain so much.)
-finish the third Strawberry Heroes show "Superbuddies"
-do all the WCS cosplays in time and not with too much stress.
-finish my study
-know what I want to do the first year after my study (freelance illustrator? another education?)
-come to terms if I want a new more fitting name. (as in: real life name) And if I will out myself to my family and friends as at least transgender.
(binding for almost 1 1/2 years wasn't big enough as a clue...)
(haha that's the first time I actually write it anywhere...)
My last three years were full of disappointments, letdowns, lies, frustration and tears, but there were also great achievements, so much love from the love of my life and things I would never have dared to even dream. I met some really nice people which I befriended but at the same moment I threw some people from my 'friends list' as well...
And god, tumblr isn't the right platform for me...most of the time I go frustrated there and I'm even more frustrated after surfing. (it feels like I'm now the fat comic geek who says 'that's not my Batman' although I'm a slasher myself and I'm very tolerant and all...some things just get on my nerves...BIG TIME.)
2011 itself was...exhausting.
Sorry this wasn't an happy entry. Not really.
I shouldn't blog when depressed *haha*
I really should re-read all the stuff in the Rogues-comm. And the Pipster comm.
I miss it so much but don't dare to go there...as if I'm afraid of the fact that everything went on and I just missed the chance to make contact again with all the great people there...
oh boy...
I really shouldn't blog when I'm depressed...
Will draw now one of the last pics of this year.
bye bye for now!
Anyway...because I'm feeling like (and I finally dare to write) it...here's what happened in 2011:
1. Study
Everything seems fine. I made all my deadlines received feedback that was kinda okay and got good grades.
I only got two semesters left and that makes me feel...well...I'd lye if I said I wasn't afraid.
My Bachelor project is going to be a comic about comics and I really thought it was cool as hell...but after discovering bit by bit how much the DC reboot sucks I'm not very motivated to do anything.
I barely go to my courses atm but why's that you'll see later...
2. Love
Claudia and I are running fast to our 4 th year together. We love each other like a sappy couple should. :)
She's my one and only support and I'm still very grateful that I can be together with her.
3. Remember the Internship from last year?
It was a great time and I got a great reference from Panini. I wish I could work there someday...
4. Drawing
I am...not very confident about anything from me right now when it comes to drawing.
Of course I force myself to draw from time to time but I am not very happy about the results :/
I definitely need more training.
5. Strawberry Heroes - The third show "Superbuddies" (working title)
As you can see "working title" doesn't mean anything good ^^;
Due to my and Claudia's study stuff we had to rearrange our plans concerning the third stage show.
We didn't have the full cast and after some stuff happened recently it was a good idea that we didn't worked for a
debut for 2012. The show is still in production but the premiere will be in 2013.
6. Cosplay
Claudia and I won the German prelim of the World Cosplay Summit 2012 and are now the German Team 2012 who will go
to Japan, Nagoya, to represent our country!
We're stupidly proud of ourselves because we never would have guessed that we could actually win!
Friends and family are suddenly 'pro-cosplay' and we're just happy.
(if you want to see what we're doing in the meantime til we go to japan look over here at our WCS journal:
http://wcs-germany-12.livejournal.com/ )
7. Family
...
...
okay...that's the real reason why I even started this entry...
My little sister had an abortion around September 2009. She only told my father she was pregnant and her shitty boyfriend didn't want the kid. My father paid for the abortion. And only when my sister and her ex split up (it was quite nasty) my mom found everything out.
You can imagine what happened to my sister's and mom's relationship after that.
I won't expand that fact because...well it's a fucked up story that started when my mom and my dad divorced... (all with depressions, lots of lies and all the 'good' stuff)
I will only go to the recent events that really really hurt me.
My sis joined the Strawberry Heroes in 2010 as a 'last-minute'-plan as a replacement for another member.
She wanted to continue to be at the group and I was happy that we could spend some time together via the Strawberries after all the shit that happened.
We agreed that after another member was thrown out (because...gosh was that a mean bitch!) we shouldn't and couldn't rehearse at the old location anymore and so we started to meet at my mom's and sis' flat. (they live next door since the move from Essen to my hometown)
So we met and had a nice weekend so far 'til my sister actually threw us all out, (right in front of all the other Strawberries) because -and now it comes- you will love this- because I didn't do what she said and/or claimed that I should do.
There were allegations and reprovals from her like 'I work three weeks in a row that's my first free weekend' and 'why aren't you doing what you said you would do' and as I already said...the final was when she actually said 'we all could go then'.
After a quite big breakdown I decided I don't want to see my sister in quite a long time.
(incl. christmas and stuff...)
My mom and grandma already said stuff like 'oooh why can't you get along again?' and make me feel like I'm the one who's the bad guy in this soap opera....
And the apex...the apex of it all is, that they even tried to explain her behaviour because she's...PREGNANT.
My little sister who had an abortion is PREGNANT. From her boyfriend she's together with like...3 MONTHS.
And no, I can't feel glad about that, not one bit.
As you can see, that is the very-very-short-version of what I can't handle at the moment.
All my thoughts circle around my family. Again. Just like in February 2010...when I got to know the 'whole' story.
Of how my sister is just stupid that she does that to herself.
Of how my mom just drinks too much after work and how I can't bear her moods when we visit her.
Of how I will never be able to tell this family how I really feel at the moment.
Of how happy I am that I don't live with them anymore.
It's christmas eve and I am very sad that my mom didn't ask for professional help after the divorce.
I am who I am because of the experiences I made but sometimes it's just rough and hard to bear it all.
I know it isn't my problem what my mom or my sis does but god damn it I hate it when they try to blame me for everything or for the fact that I know the consequences that follow if you're too hurt and don't want that anymore.
*sighs*
Anyway...
Because New Year's Eve isn't that far away and I won't write another entry in this year (I won't fool myself) here are my good intentions for 2012:
-get myself finally tested on ADD/ADHD (I want to do that since winter 2009...it would explain so much.)
-finish the third Strawberry Heroes show "Superbuddies"
-do all the WCS cosplays in time and not with too much stress.
-finish my study
-know what I want to do the first year after my study (freelance illustrator? another education?)
-come to terms if I want a new more fitting name. (as in: real life name) And if I will out myself to my family and friends as at least transgender.
(binding for almost 1 1/2 years wasn't big enough as a clue...)
(haha that's the first time I actually write it anywhere...)
My last three years were full of disappointments, letdowns, lies, frustration and tears, but there were also great achievements, so much love from the love of my life and things I would never have dared to even dream. I met some really nice people which I befriended but at the same moment I threw some people from my 'friends list' as well...
And god, tumblr isn't the right platform for me...most of the time I go frustrated there and I'm even more frustrated after surfing. (it feels like I'm now the fat comic geek who says 'that's not my Batman' although I'm a slasher myself and I'm very tolerant and all...some things just get on my nerves...BIG TIME.)
2011 itself was...exhausting.
Sorry this wasn't an happy entry. Not really.
I shouldn't blog when depressed *haha*
I really should re-read all the stuff in the Rogues-comm. And the Pipster comm.
I miss it so much but don't dare to go there...as if I'm afraid of the fact that everything went on and I just missed the chance to make contact again with all the great people there...
oh boy...
I really shouldn't blog when I'm depressed...
Will draw now one of the last pics of this year.
bye bye for now!