But who am I?
As I was walking back in the drizzling rain from the library at 12:15am, I had a realization. I finally felt singular. I am a single entity now. A person.
My life is defined by who I attach to (historically speaking). Every guy I have been with has stitched themselves so intensively within me, that oftentimes I don't where I was or how I got to where am now. I lose track. I have bits and parts and pieces of a whole and the basic outline of my being becomes skewed.
So here I am. I begin anew. I am becoming someone else, someone I have never been. This phase in my life is going to be about self-discovery. I do not want a relationship. This is not about not wanting to be loved or not being in love with someone else, of course not. I am not giving up on the capacity to love. I am just learning to love. Something I never really knew how to do very well because I could not love myself.
So who am I? At this point I have a clean slate. There are, of course, definable personality traits that I possess. But there is something I don't have. I don't have interests. I don't have hobbies. And I don't mean being on the computer and listening to music. I spend too much time pretending and not enough time pursuing things in life. I am going to find hobbies, external things, to fill in those empty holes that I have.
Every guy I have dated I have let define me. By my choice. I seem to become them, in a manner of speaking. I lose sight. And then I start to come through but I get confused and almost feel ashamed of who I really am. But now, being single has opened a really big door for me. I CAN be me. Not that the guys I've been with have ever purposely stifled who I really am....but I let them for some reason. I define myself in relation to another person.
I am doing this so one day I CAN love and I can commit who I am to someone. It is for myself. Finally, seven years of being in non-stop relationships, I can be on my own. I'm excited for the future.
My life is defined by who I attach to (historically speaking). Every guy I have been with has stitched themselves so intensively within me, that oftentimes I don't where I was or how I got to where am now. I lose track. I have bits and parts and pieces of a whole and the basic outline of my being becomes skewed.
So here I am. I begin anew. I am becoming someone else, someone I have never been. This phase in my life is going to be about self-discovery. I do not want a relationship. This is not about not wanting to be loved or not being in love with someone else, of course not. I am not giving up on the capacity to love. I am just learning to love. Something I never really knew how to do very well because I could not love myself.
So who am I? At this point I have a clean slate. There are, of course, definable personality traits that I possess. But there is something I don't have. I don't have interests. I don't have hobbies. And I don't mean being on the computer and listening to music. I spend too much time pretending and not enough time pursuing things in life. I am going to find hobbies, external things, to fill in those empty holes that I have.
Every guy I have dated I have let define me. By my choice. I seem to become them, in a manner of speaking. I lose sight. And then I start to come through but I get confused and almost feel ashamed of who I really am. But now, being single has opened a really big door for me. I CAN be me. Not that the guys I've been with have ever purposely stifled who I really am....but I let them for some reason. I define myself in relation to another person.
I am doing this so one day I CAN love and I can commit who I am to someone. It is for myself. Finally, seven years of being in non-stop relationships, I can be on my own. I'm excited for the future.