short focus
For the last while, a couple-few months at least now, I've only been able to focus on things that are (almost literally) directly in front of me. I simply do not have the energy, the time, or the desire to cope, care, or frankly, to be bothered by anything or anyone needing my attention for anything more than diversion and kittens.
This has meant that I have been a poor friend at times, to some people.
I really wasn't kidding: if it's not been right in front of me, it's been placed on the "to be dealt with later" shelf.
I feel bad that I've done this with people as well as everything else, but to be honest... only so bad. I simply have not had the bandwidth to deal with more than one thing at a time, one by one, and I've been feeling too... frangible, I think, to deal with anyone else's problems--or even their joys, sometimes. I've been trying to husband my resources, and I think I'm tired enough to not care if that inconveniences anyone else. (Rather, I do care, just not enough to sacrifice more of my sanity for them.)
The move, and setting up house, and spending shitloads of money (including a loan to my sister and buying my mom a new range, and let's not forget the ART, which is beautiful but selfish), and prepping for the housewarming, and WORK (damn it), and not-writing (DAMN it), and my amazing ability to take incredibly stupid risks with myself (DAMN IT)...
Parts of me leaping towards adulthood, and others... not so much. I've mentioned that Thanatos is large with me, yes? Sigh.
I haven't been able (or desiring) to focus on anyone other than myself. Well, my mom, and sister, and a friend or two who collapsed broken-winged right in front of me, pretty much, and I meant it when I said that if it's not in front of me, it's not to be dealt with now, and that's been mostly problems I could solve by throwing money at them (and damn, but don't I love being able to solve problems so easily as that, and thank you, life, that I can) or by saying, "stop being an idiot," and that's that. I can't do more than that right now. I just can't.
And I'm so scraped thin right now that I resent being asked for more. I hate saying no. So I've mostly said nothing. Which is not adult. But it's that--avoidance--or screaming.
Or screaming.
I'm very good at looking happy. Hell, I'm very good at being happy. And, I am. BUT. There's a lot of me that's too little butter for too much bread, and none of it, none of it, is toast or jam.
Which is why I've been a bad friend to some people, of late. I'm sorry about that. It's that, or scream at you when you don't deserve it and be a worse friend, because I don't have anything else for you right now. I love you, lots, but not enough to slice off any more of my self. Rightly or wrongly, that's what it feels like (and I recognize that it's likely wrongly), and I'm sorry for that, and for not being large-souled enough to give more. I just can't right now, not without breaking, maybe just a little, but maybe a lot, and I don't want that. I don't owe you that, not that you're asking, but I still can't give it. I hope you understand, but even if you don't... that's still where I am: frangible and trying not to break.
I've mentioned before I'm a creature of thresholds, one that reaches tipping points and then runs over... I think I just reached the threshold for feeling this way, for admitting it. I'm sorry if you got wet when the cup spilt. I'll trying to mop up the mess.
So... I'm really looking forward to WisCon as a break--it's such a different world, and I am so ready for that. I think it will help. I need a vacation.
This has meant that I have been a poor friend at times, to some people.
I really wasn't kidding: if it's not been right in front of me, it's been placed on the "to be dealt with later" shelf.
I feel bad that I've done this with people as well as everything else, but to be honest... only so bad. I simply have not had the bandwidth to deal with more than one thing at a time, one by one, and I've been feeling too... frangible, I think, to deal with anyone else's problems--or even their joys, sometimes. I've been trying to husband my resources, and I think I'm tired enough to not care if that inconveniences anyone else. (Rather, I do care, just not enough to sacrifice more of my sanity for them.)
The move, and setting up house, and spending shitloads of money (including a loan to my sister and buying my mom a new range, and let's not forget the ART, which is beautiful but selfish), and prepping for the housewarming, and WORK (damn it), and not-writing (DAMN it), and my amazing ability to take incredibly stupid risks with myself (DAMN IT)...
Parts of me leaping towards adulthood, and others... not so much. I've mentioned that Thanatos is large with me, yes? Sigh.
I haven't been able (or desiring) to focus on anyone other than myself. Well, my mom, and sister, and a friend or two who collapsed broken-winged right in front of me, pretty much, and I meant it when I said that if it's not in front of me, it's not to be dealt with now, and that's been mostly problems I could solve by throwing money at them (and damn, but don't I love being able to solve problems so easily as that, and thank you, life, that I can) or by saying, "stop being an idiot," and that's that. I can't do more than that right now. I just can't.
And I'm so scraped thin right now that I resent being asked for more. I hate saying no. So I've mostly said nothing. Which is not adult. But it's that--avoidance--or screaming.
Or screaming.
I'm very good at looking happy. Hell, I'm very good at being happy. And, I am. BUT. There's a lot of me that's too little butter for too much bread, and none of it, none of it, is toast or jam.
Which is why I've been a bad friend to some people, of late. I'm sorry about that. It's that, or scream at you when you don't deserve it and be a worse friend, because I don't have anything else for you right now. I love you, lots, but not enough to slice off any more of my self. Rightly or wrongly, that's what it feels like (and I recognize that it's likely wrongly), and I'm sorry for that, and for not being large-souled enough to give more. I just can't right now, not without breaking, maybe just a little, but maybe a lot, and I don't want that. I don't owe you that, not that you're asking, but I still can't give it. I hope you understand, but even if you don't... that's still where I am: frangible and trying not to break.
I've mentioned before I'm a creature of thresholds, one that reaches tipping points and then runs over... I think I just reached the threshold for feeling this way, for admitting it. I'm sorry if you got wet when the cup spilt. I'll trying to mop up the mess.
So... I'm really looking forward to WisCon as a break--it's such a different world, and I am so ready for that. I think it will help. I need a vacation.