de-cluttering
1. a possible addendum to last week's livejournal: I am not a competitive person; it doesn't invigorate me and drive me forwards like it does other people. In fact, it totally shuts me down. The spirit of competition is usually portrayed as a thing that promotes community, excellence, health, and respect but I am basically an alien so I also can't seem to pick up that particular tune of the human fabric. No to me, competition is an emotional phenomenon where conflict is needless hammered down to form a win-lose or lose-lose situation when it usually doesn't need to be. My regard on the matter has softened quite a bit lately but just because I've learned to enjoy the spirit of competition WITH people, doesn't mean that I actually GET it. Conflict is inevitable, but competition is avoidable, and if it cannot be avoided, it is something to be regretted. More evidence, that I am definitely a loser as defined by the culture I belong to.
Something has to motivate me forwards though, otherwise I really WILL become a loser. Usually my drive comes from my conviction towards all the random things I believe to be important, but it's not something you can rely on a day to day basis. There is that sense of panic that comes with the realization that you are at a deficit in something important but that's rarely a motivator that encourages excellence.
I am finding that I do find the motivation to excel when I am impressed by something or someone. In the past I was much too proud, jealous and narrow-minded to allow myself to find exemplary qualities of others motivating but now that I am getting over myself, I am really finding strength in it. The feeling is like that of competition but at the same time it's not because the person on the other side is more of a template than an opponent; no one has to be shown up or down and no one has to lose. The thing that you find motivating doesn't even have to be anything like you or do the things you do because it's more of the general sense of genius and effort you're vibing off. It's just inspiring, right? I think the truest sign of being totally awesome is when you're really great or something and those who interact with you asks themselves if they are also capable of something greater in themselves. And because of that, I believe that having a greater sensitivity to find impressiveness in those around you is the surest way for me to become awesome myself.
In short, I will crush the world under my heels with the sheer and terrible force of my empathy, understanding and utmost respect.
In other news...
2.I've been groping around for an artistic outlet lately. I suppose this means that I am a lot more relaxed and put together than I feel. There are the usual things I do/did but I want to do something that isn't so completely irrelevant, like Warhammer or something. Not that there isn't great skill and craft in those things but no matter how well I could get, unless I am like the best miniature maker in the world, I don't think I would feel a sense of satisfaction. More like, being sad about the money and time lost poring over it. In short, I don't want my artistic outlet to feel like a guilty pleasure.
There is also comic-ing, my ever-prevelant and now completely imaginary hobby and it's quite a bit less irrelevant due to all the press and recognition it's been getting in the last decade or so. It's also something I know at least A BIT about and genuinely enjoy. But I can never seem to go past a page of work because I am also TERRIFIED of this hobby: I know that an ugly sea off disgusting fan-fics, indulgent nerd fantasies and truly unfunny web-comics exists and if I were to produce anything, it would only add too the raw sewage that clogs the internet and the closets of all the shut-ins all over the world.
But I can't simply wait around for a stroke of genius to come because if I just do nothing and wait, it'll like, never come and I would have willfully locked myself away from at least a chance of producing something somewhat entertaining. And lately, people who are good have been getting FRIGHTFULLY good like, even penny-arcade is sort of interesting now and that didn't happen magically, it happened because those guys just kept consistently producing garbage until it got better. I've also noticed that people who succeed have this curious ability to shrug off and ignore the odds that are stacked against them. They also seem to have a resolute belief in their own ability which is something I find so amazing. Lately I've been asking myself whether I am also capable of that kind of bravery and willful ignorance. I have to admit, my brain works in direct antithesis to that kind of thinking; I actually have quite a calculating personality and is intensely aware of my own abilities and limitations, so just "going for it" is so not in character and I feel that although that kind of personality serves me well in some instances, it really holds me back as well.
I've also been kind of interested in picking up an instrument of some kind and just fooling around with it whenever I was bored. The positives is that it would be completely casual, just something to do when all else fails to entertain me and I would pick up a neat parlor trick by the end of it but the con is that it would be quite an alien world for me. I don't really know anything about music nor am I really connected with a musical community. It's just simply not something I do or even think about day to day. So I fear that the most likely would happen; I buy some instrument which is never cheap, and then it goes into my back closet to rot while I am constantly feeling guilty that I am not making full use out of my purchase.
The verdict is still out on this one.
In other news...
3.I think I am a practical and un-idealistic person now. I continue to think I've become somewhat of a jaded and realist and then occasionally, I actually meet an un-idealistic person and I am reminded just how lofty my beliefs still are. It's a frightening reminder and a good opportunity to reaffirm my ideals and what I want for the world. I recently had one of those encounters.
I think that's pretty much it for this week.
Something has to motivate me forwards though, otherwise I really WILL become a loser. Usually my drive comes from my conviction towards all the random things I believe to be important, but it's not something you can rely on a day to day basis. There is that sense of panic that comes with the realization that you are at a deficit in something important but that's rarely a motivator that encourages excellence.
I am finding that I do find the motivation to excel when I am impressed by something or someone. In the past I was much too proud, jealous and narrow-minded to allow myself to find exemplary qualities of others motivating but now that I am getting over myself, I am really finding strength in it. The feeling is like that of competition but at the same time it's not because the person on the other side is more of a template than an opponent; no one has to be shown up or down and no one has to lose. The thing that you find motivating doesn't even have to be anything like you or do the things you do because it's more of the general sense of genius and effort you're vibing off. It's just inspiring, right? I think the truest sign of being totally awesome is when you're really great or something and those who interact with you asks themselves if they are also capable of something greater in themselves. And because of that, I believe that having a greater sensitivity to find impressiveness in those around you is the surest way for me to become awesome myself.
In short, I will crush the world under my heels with the sheer and terrible force of my empathy, understanding and utmost respect.
In other news...
2.I've been groping around for an artistic outlet lately. I suppose this means that I am a lot more relaxed and put together than I feel. There are the usual things I do/did but I want to do something that isn't so completely irrelevant, like Warhammer or something. Not that there isn't great skill and craft in those things but no matter how well I could get, unless I am like the best miniature maker in the world, I don't think I would feel a sense of satisfaction. More like, being sad about the money and time lost poring over it. In short, I don't want my artistic outlet to feel like a guilty pleasure.
There is also comic-ing, my ever-prevelant and now completely imaginary hobby and it's quite a bit less irrelevant due to all the press and recognition it's been getting in the last decade or so. It's also something I know at least A BIT about and genuinely enjoy. But I can never seem to go past a page of work because I am also TERRIFIED of this hobby: I know that an ugly sea off disgusting fan-fics, indulgent nerd fantasies and truly unfunny web-comics exists and if I were to produce anything, it would only add too the raw sewage that clogs the internet and the closets of all the shut-ins all over the world.
But I can't simply wait around for a stroke of genius to come because if I just do nothing and wait, it'll like, never come and I would have willfully locked myself away from at least a chance of producing something somewhat entertaining. And lately, people who are good have been getting FRIGHTFULLY good like, even penny-arcade is sort of interesting now and that didn't happen magically, it happened because those guys just kept consistently producing garbage until it got better. I've also noticed that people who succeed have this curious ability to shrug off and ignore the odds that are stacked against them. They also seem to have a resolute belief in their own ability which is something I find so amazing. Lately I've been asking myself whether I am also capable of that kind of bravery and willful ignorance. I have to admit, my brain works in direct antithesis to that kind of thinking; I actually have quite a calculating personality and is intensely aware of my own abilities and limitations, so just "going for it" is so not in character and I feel that although that kind of personality serves me well in some instances, it really holds me back as well.
I've also been kind of interested in picking up an instrument of some kind and just fooling around with it whenever I was bored. The positives is that it would be completely casual, just something to do when all else fails to entertain me and I would pick up a neat parlor trick by the end of it but the con is that it would be quite an alien world for me. I don't really know anything about music nor am I really connected with a musical community. It's just simply not something I do or even think about day to day. So I fear that the most likely would happen; I buy some instrument which is never cheap, and then it goes into my back closet to rot while I am constantly feeling guilty that I am not making full use out of my purchase.
The verdict is still out on this one.
In other news...
3.I think I am a practical and un-idealistic person now. I continue to think I've become somewhat of a jaded and realist and then occasionally, I actually meet an un-idealistic person and I am reminded just how lofty my beliefs still are. It's a frightening reminder and a good opportunity to reaffirm my ideals and what I want for the world. I recently had one of those encounters.
I think that's pretty much it for this week.