2009 Predictions
Music:
-The new Killers album will be incredibly average, much like everything they've released since Hot Fuss.
-Hanson, tired of the Jonas Brothers, start their own "no sex" pact. No one notices, but they continue not to have any sex since 1997.
-2Pac releases a new album, "Rock From the Crypt." The album features a duet between him and Katy Perry, several Bruce Springsteen covers, and several collaborations with Kanye West, who tours with a new performing member that is clearly not 2Pac.
-Hannah Montana gets an abortion.
Television:
-Jimmy Fallon replaces Jay Leno and in a fit of nervous anxiety giggles himself awkwardly to death in front of a live audience. Jay Leno unhooks his jaw and eats the body like a boa constrictor eating a small gazelle. Leno then proceeds to repeat, word for word, jokes he made in the 90s during the Clinton Administration due to lack of material.
-Dane Cook hosts "Cooking with Dane." The show consists of the comedian making guttural noises for 30 minutes, making a grilled cheese, and then talking about how different girls and guys are. It airs on pay-per-view only.
-Mr. Belvedere gets a remake with the original cast. Once studio executives realize the actor who played Mr. Belvedere is dead, Brad Pitt immediately steps up to audition for the part and says that, "Belvedere is the reason I became an actor." The show gets a 6.6 on IMDB. Most critics feel it should be cancelled but it goes into its 3rd season in 2011.
Video Games:
-"High Fidelity: The Video Game" finally sees a release date this year. The game lets you play as either Rob Gordon, Barry, or Dick. In this Streets of Rage clone each character must make a series of top 5 lists about pretentious music before leaving the record store, or confronting any enemies. Players must also collect cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon for points.
-Nintendo Wii owners breath a collective sigh of annoyance and finally sell the system realizing it was only good when everyone didn't have it. The line, "want to go back to my place and play some Wii" continues to work poorly on attractive women. The line, "I have Cheetos at my place" works 9 times out of 10 on every woman.
-LEGO releases a video game based on "Requiem for a Dream." The ass to ass scene is included upon completion of the game and collection of all 100 heroin packages.
Personal:
-I go to California in April until I have the realization that I'll never be as funny as Jeff Foxworthy.
-I drive across country from Chicago to LA, stopping in a small Texas town to ask some gas station owner to call heads or tails. Oddly enough he's been the quarter calling champ for 20 some years.
-Within several years I'm working for one of several TV shows: Cops, Cheaters, Rock of Love: STD Checkup, or I work as a writer for Seth MacFarlane on any one of his shows, except for American Dad.
-The new Killers album will be incredibly average, much like everything they've released since Hot Fuss.
-Hanson, tired of the Jonas Brothers, start their own "no sex" pact. No one notices, but they continue not to have any sex since 1997.
-2Pac releases a new album, "Rock From the Crypt." The album features a duet between him and Katy Perry, several Bruce Springsteen covers, and several collaborations with Kanye West, who tours with a new performing member that is clearly not 2Pac.
-Hannah Montana gets an abortion.
Television:
-Jimmy Fallon replaces Jay Leno and in a fit of nervous anxiety giggles himself awkwardly to death in front of a live audience. Jay Leno unhooks his jaw and eats the body like a boa constrictor eating a small gazelle. Leno then proceeds to repeat, word for word, jokes he made in the 90s during the Clinton Administration due to lack of material.
-Dane Cook hosts "Cooking with Dane." The show consists of the comedian making guttural noises for 30 minutes, making a grilled cheese, and then talking about how different girls and guys are. It airs on pay-per-view only.
-Mr. Belvedere gets a remake with the original cast. Once studio executives realize the actor who played Mr. Belvedere is dead, Brad Pitt immediately steps up to audition for the part and says that, "Belvedere is the reason I became an actor." The show gets a 6.6 on IMDB. Most critics feel it should be cancelled but it goes into its 3rd season in 2011.
Video Games:
-"High Fidelity: The Video Game" finally sees a release date this year. The game lets you play as either Rob Gordon, Barry, or Dick. In this Streets of Rage clone each character must make a series of top 5 lists about pretentious music before leaving the record store, or confronting any enemies. Players must also collect cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon for points.
-Nintendo Wii owners breath a collective sigh of annoyance and finally sell the system realizing it was only good when everyone didn't have it. The line, "want to go back to my place and play some Wii" continues to work poorly on attractive women. The line, "I have Cheetos at my place" works 9 times out of 10 on every woman.
-LEGO releases a video game based on "Requiem for a Dream." The ass to ass scene is included upon completion of the game and collection of all 100 heroin packages.
Personal:
-I go to California in April until I have the realization that I'll never be as funny as Jeff Foxworthy.
-I drive across country from Chicago to LA, stopping in a small Texas town to ask some gas station owner to call heads or tails. Oddly enough he's been the quarter calling champ for 20 some years.
-Within several years I'm working for one of several TV shows: Cops, Cheaters, Rock of Love: STD Checkup, or I work as a writer for Seth MacFarlane on any one of his shows, except for American Dad.