Christm-ass.
I'm tired of Christmas cards and most of all, Christmas letters that brag about how well the year has been. I don't care that Little Jimmy entered Kindergarten. So did I years ago, so who gives a shit? Oh, your daughter Jennifer is a college freshman this year. Great, is she drinking plenty of booze and sleeping with lots of random guys every night while studying to be a biology nerd? I hate letters like these because I'm expected to care, and frankly, I don't.
Why don't I care? Really, these families are only giving you half of the story, the happy part of the story. Tell us a thing or two that went wrong during the year, it will probably make us, the reader, feel better about ourselves. We'll say, "at least my daughter didn't get knocked up twice and feel the need to go on Maury" or "I'm glad I'm not getting laid off from a shitty job I hate!"
Letters should include some hilarious picture. I don't want to see a picture of your family in front of some vacation spot or in some wintery background. Rather, get creative and use photoshop, or take a picture of something really embarrassing. A great Christmas card would be pictures of every family member passed out and bleeding from a night out drinking. Or, just a picture of a bunch of Jewish people under a Christmas tree who aren't smiling. Who wants to see a normal family picture when you'll see them on the holidays anyways?
Overall I've grown to not feel anything from Christmas. Seeing family is like a dentist appointment, you make reservations in advance and then you sit through something you'd rather not do, and it's about once every six months. Once every six months is fine with me, but let's make the visit about 2 hours instead of all day. Christmas has lost most of its meaning and it's become just another tradition to follow blindly, because everyone likes getting new things and your church, if you go, likes having people that will possibly donate money.
Honestly, I'm more excited about seeing The Dark Knight than I have been about Christmas in about eight years. Maybe Christmas should involve more Batman, Joker, Two-Face and Jim Gordon than Santa Clause and Jesus. Let's compare, Batman is torn between Bruce Wayne and Batman and must find a balance while still being Gotham City's savior. The Joker is a fucking nuts mass-murderer, but way more interesting than Jesus, who could turn water into wine and build shitty tables. The water into wine thing sounds fun but I'm guessing The Jess man (his college nickname) stopped doing that once he realized water that is turned into boxed wine doesn't taste as good to classy people as it does freshman girls. I don't believe in Jesus or Santa, but I believe in Harvey Dent.
A shitty table made by Jesus.
I'll be glad when Christmas is all over since I've only been hearing about it since mid-October. What's going to happen when I have kids one day? Christmas is going to start the hype machine around August, gifts will be given on 8 occasions, and hopefully Jesus and Santa will start kicking some holiday-villain ass.
Why don't I care? Really, these families are only giving you half of the story, the happy part of the story. Tell us a thing or two that went wrong during the year, it will probably make us, the reader, feel better about ourselves. We'll say, "at least my daughter didn't get knocked up twice and feel the need to go on Maury" or "I'm glad I'm not getting laid off from a shitty job I hate!"
Letters should include some hilarious picture. I don't want to see a picture of your family in front of some vacation spot or in some wintery background. Rather, get creative and use photoshop, or take a picture of something really embarrassing. A great Christmas card would be pictures of every family member passed out and bleeding from a night out drinking. Or, just a picture of a bunch of Jewish people under a Christmas tree who aren't smiling. Who wants to see a normal family picture when you'll see them on the holidays anyways?
Overall I've grown to not feel anything from Christmas. Seeing family is like a dentist appointment, you make reservations in advance and then you sit through something you'd rather not do, and it's about once every six months. Once every six months is fine with me, but let's make the visit about 2 hours instead of all day. Christmas has lost most of its meaning and it's become just another tradition to follow blindly, because everyone likes getting new things and your church, if you go, likes having people that will possibly donate money.
Honestly, I'm more excited about seeing The Dark Knight than I have been about Christmas in about eight years. Maybe Christmas should involve more Batman, Joker, Two-Face and Jim Gordon than Santa Clause and Jesus. Let's compare, Batman is torn between Bruce Wayne and Batman and must find a balance while still being Gotham City's savior. The Joker is a fucking nuts mass-murderer, but way more interesting than Jesus, who could turn water into wine and build shitty tables. The water into wine thing sounds fun but I'm guessing The Jess man (his college nickname) stopped doing that once he realized water that is turned into boxed wine doesn't taste as good to classy people as it does freshman girls. I don't believe in Jesus or Santa, but I believe in Harvey Dent.
A shitty table made by Jesus.
I'll be glad when Christmas is all over since I've only been hearing about it since mid-October. What's going to happen when I have kids one day? Christmas is going to start the hype machine around August, gifts will be given on 8 occasions, and hopefully Jesus and Santa will start kicking some holiday-villain ass.