"i don't want to feel anything but i do"
wow i don't know what's wrong with me right now but i hope it's just hormones or something.
i just ate like half the food in the house. i'm realizing more and more that i eat for comfort.
how gay is that, seriously? like extremely gay.
ugh. i feel like i'm at least 10 years older than i am.
all i want is a man. a MAN. not some awkward bumbling college kid with a commitment phobia.
i don't even want to be in a relationship, but being around someone who's afraid of that sort of thing
is enough to make you feel like a neurotic control freak, know what i mean?
hahah i feel like one of the sex and the city chicks. HOW LAME IS THAT? it's insane.
i started off vacation at 146. i think i was bloated. i'm back down to 138.
i hope i keep working out once i go back to school. the way i work out is strange though.
per example i don't like to wear shoes & i need the tv on.
vacation has been really fun. i've seen a lot more people than i thought i was going to see.
chris, bill, melissa, jen, mike, tina, jacob, sean, kristin, peter, and so on.
i saw juno. it was good. love the vocabulary. did a lot of shopping.
ate a lot of good food. had marathon cooking sessions with the madre.
did a LOT of shopping.
i'm a size 8 now! that makes me happy. i can't wait to be a 6.
i think then i'll finally feel normal. i want those last twenty pounds gone.
the first thing i'm going to do when i'm 115-120 is eat two bacon double cheeseburgers with a large fry.
i'm thinking about going to jersey to try white castle.
speaking of i'm doing a culinary tour of new york soon... hopefully spring break or sooner!!
who wants to come with?!?
i think i want to move to the city when i graduate. new york maybe.
i want to be cold and distant. an ice queen. gorgeous. elegant.
only wearing white and black. with a routine, a culinary degree, a chip on my shoulder.
wanted by all, possessed by none. fulfilled by nothing, lacking love,
achingly empty... painfully hollow. a tragic beauty celebrated by all.
charismatic, belonging to nothing and no one. a woman of the world in every way,
especially in the loneliness that entails. every moment of my life,
will be a portrait, a caricature, a farce, a representation of a life lived
with the only motivation and outcome being beauty and strength and beauty in that strength.
i'll both be proud of and disgusted with who i am. but i'll be in control.
i'll have affairs. i'll own men. toy with them. with pure indifference.
my smiles will be faked, my laugh will be a tool.
i'll wrong men like they wrong women every second of every day,
fighting a battle that nobody cares about and doesn't matter
and that even when i win it, i'll lose.
a modern day holly golightly, minus the naivete, minus the happy ending,
minus the tears and fits and neediness.
i will be the perfect woman. and the perfect woman
doesn't need a man.
and iiiiiiiiiiii'm going to regret this post later, i can already tell.