(no subject)
its been so long since i've had time to myself that I don't even know how to take it here anylonger. Journaling can be such a lonely experience. Is by nature a lonely experience I suppose. But there are a lot of things in my life that beg scrutiny now and putting it off forever doesn't do a body or a mind any good.
Doing burlesque is raising some interesting issues, although its not just the dancing on stage while taking your clothes off for a lot of people thats a catalyst, its the whole process of what it takes to get up there.
I'm having a hard time feeling clear about this. where I mean to start off is not here. what i meant to say was this:
Once Im on the stage I don't give a shit. Or I give a shit but its different. Once I'm on the stage (with the lights and the people and the adrenaline) I own it. Once I'm on the stage the movement is fluid and I remember because I'm in my body in a way I'm never there in waking life. I spend a lot of time disconnected. Stress, exhaustion, and life in general all consipire to keep me too busy to connect. The process of feeling my skin on my bones and the tensepushflex of muscles against the stage floor or air around me focuses my energy. I go small and push into a vessel normally foreign to me and there is a heat that takes me over that originates from my gut or my toes. Its different than the heat of stagelights but feels a companionship with them nonetheless. Once I'm there its over so quickly and I realize what work it must take my boyfriend to keep me in my body long enough to elicit rational conversation from me.
Is this what it takes? jesus. weeks of stressed out preparation for five minutes in my skin. I hope not.
but this isn't what I want to talk about anymore. What I want to talk about is...
I don't want to talk about any of it. not really and definitely not clearly. I just want to say that having to find a way to prioritize my health and sanity along with my commitments and the people I love is too stressful and I will always make the wrong decision for someone. but learning to draw boundaries and learning to let go of a little control are lessons long past due. trying to build a home feels at once thrilling and terrifying, like exactly what i should and should not be doing at the same time. A recent disappearance from the social world feels awkward and liberating at once. Am I trapped in domesticity or am I free of social drama. and while it feels like it has to be one or the other neither is true. I am too often absent from the home and definitely not lacking in drama. I am, instead, somewhere inbetween. Somewhere like limbo or pergatory. I'm trying to imagine a life other than the one I'm living and I cannot. I'm at work, the bane of my existence if only because it feels so absolutely necessary right now.the drone of food to mouth and roof for shelter and new shoes because we're the kind of burlesque that pays attention to details like that.
Im considering graduate school just for the summer vacation.
I miss summer vacations. I miss skipping classes. I miss the antiresponsibility of a youth that is as much a dream of my past as it was part of it.
what do you do when the song repeats but you dont have the remote.
Doing burlesque is raising some interesting issues, although its not just the dancing on stage while taking your clothes off for a lot of people thats a catalyst, its the whole process of what it takes to get up there.
I'm having a hard time feeling clear about this. where I mean to start off is not here. what i meant to say was this:
Once Im on the stage I don't give a shit. Or I give a shit but its different. Once I'm on the stage (with the lights and the people and the adrenaline) I own it. Once I'm on the stage the movement is fluid and I remember because I'm in my body in a way I'm never there in waking life. I spend a lot of time disconnected. Stress, exhaustion, and life in general all consipire to keep me too busy to connect. The process of feeling my skin on my bones and the tensepushflex of muscles against the stage floor or air around me focuses my energy. I go small and push into a vessel normally foreign to me and there is a heat that takes me over that originates from my gut or my toes. Its different than the heat of stagelights but feels a companionship with them nonetheless. Once I'm there its over so quickly and I realize what work it must take my boyfriend to keep me in my body long enough to elicit rational conversation from me.
Is this what it takes? jesus. weeks of stressed out preparation for five minutes in my skin. I hope not.
but this isn't what I want to talk about anymore. What I want to talk about is...
I don't want to talk about any of it. not really and definitely not clearly. I just want to say that having to find a way to prioritize my health and sanity along with my commitments and the people I love is too stressful and I will always make the wrong decision for someone. but learning to draw boundaries and learning to let go of a little control are lessons long past due. trying to build a home feels at once thrilling and terrifying, like exactly what i should and should not be doing at the same time. A recent disappearance from the social world feels awkward and liberating at once. Am I trapped in domesticity or am I free of social drama. and while it feels like it has to be one or the other neither is true. I am too often absent from the home and definitely not lacking in drama. I am, instead, somewhere inbetween. Somewhere like limbo or pergatory. I'm trying to imagine a life other than the one I'm living and I cannot. I'm at work, the bane of my existence if only because it feels so absolutely necessary right now.the drone of food to mouth and roof for shelter and new shoes because we're the kind of burlesque that pays attention to details like that.
Im considering graduate school just for the summer vacation.
I miss summer vacations. I miss skipping classes. I miss the antiresponsibility of a youth that is as much a dream of my past as it was part of it.
what do you do when the song repeats but you dont have the remote.