but its too late now...
i had a terrible dream. i was in jail, but i was a boy and in like a 18th century day and i was wearing britches and i kept writing letters and writing letters and they wouldn't give me a candle to see with but they would give me wax with which to seal my letters. and i was there for like a week. and then i got out. and everybody was joking with him about some girl giving him head and we went to the beach and i asked him and he said yeah, (we'll call her l) i did it with her. all week while i was in jail. and i finally knew what it felt like, i knew what i did, and i just wanted to curl up and die. i thought i understood before, but now i did. and it didn't help that all these people were constantly coming up to us and talking to him about it and i didn't know whether they were together or not and i was so confused and i ran up the hill by the beach and stole his moms car and left. then i woke up and cried. i was so sad. it's not so much that everything is going wrong but i cant' get in the right frame of mind and i try to tell him how i feel and he seems to understand for a little bit but then he says the same thing and he thinks its about him, but its not about him at all. he doesn't listen to that. but supposedly that's typical, but it's having a bad effect. he thinks if someone else came along this problem wouldn't be in the way. i don't know how to tell him that that's not true. i get so upset and he just keeps saying it. and it's so selfish, and then i feel selfish for calling him selfish and what if it's all my fault? i'm so confused. wish i didn't have to be so cryptic, want a new journal.