more of the same pain
i had a dream that there was a tall black tower. in the tower there were seven crystals, in the crystals were spirits. they were like brothers and sisters. Two of the crystals were the oldest and strongest, the center crystals. They held everything in balance. They held everything together.
I watched them shatter.
There is nothing to hold the others in balance,
they begin to war against each other.
---
last night i surfaced from the agony into blessed clarity, and furiously proclaimed that THIS TIME I WONT LOSE IT. THIS IS IT. IM NOT FALLING BACK INTO THE DARKNESS. This morning it came over me again in great stabbing waves, killing me over and over again, making me cry endlessly.
Im desperate beyond desperation. This is pain beyond pain, agony beyond agony. Never in my worst nightmares did I ever imagine that an agony like this
could be even Possible. No living being in the universe could ever possibly deserve this kind of agony. Its beyond words, beyond anything i can imagine.
and its totally elusive.
and it just doesnt stop.
my divided soul is Obsessed with the past, Obsessed with what I had. It leaves my body and chases after phantoms, memories, old friends far away.
a piece is chasing Mindy, a piece is chasing Norm, a piece is hanging on to all the years of diaries I lost, a piece is hanging onto the apartment which
has been gone for months. I Scream at my Soul JUST GET OVER IT JUST STOP IT
COME BACK TO ME THERES NOTHING THERE but it just doesnt listen. i try to make a home for it, I try to keep it here with me but it wont stay, it wont listen.
every molecule, every passing face, every moment, every brick in every wall, everything is stabbing me over and over again. I am not exagerrating in the slightest sense when I say that I am utterly and totally In Hell.
anyone who hears me is at a loss to help, this disease goes beyond everything that should heal me, everything that should help.
Two oracles told me that If I came to Olympia and left my old life behind, that I would find my strength and my vision. I only find it for fleeting moments, and then it disappears inexplicably.
I want to die.
And yet I know that to commit suicide would be repeating the same pattern that brought me into this hell in the first place: trying to escape agonizing terror and pain by making some sacrifice or compromise, only to find later on that the sacrifice only took me to a deeper level of torment.
but what the fuck else am i supposed to do??!!!
nothing is working, nothing is helping nothing gives me relief, nothing gives me peace. I feel like God has forgotten me...i try so hard to keep the faith but i can only see darkness, endless darkness.
I watched them shatter.
There is nothing to hold the others in balance,
they begin to war against each other.
---
last night i surfaced from the agony into blessed clarity, and furiously proclaimed that THIS TIME I WONT LOSE IT. THIS IS IT. IM NOT FALLING BACK INTO THE DARKNESS. This morning it came over me again in great stabbing waves, killing me over and over again, making me cry endlessly.
Im desperate beyond desperation. This is pain beyond pain, agony beyond agony. Never in my worst nightmares did I ever imagine that an agony like this
could be even Possible. No living being in the universe could ever possibly deserve this kind of agony. Its beyond words, beyond anything i can imagine.
and its totally elusive.
and it just doesnt stop.
my divided soul is Obsessed with the past, Obsessed with what I had. It leaves my body and chases after phantoms, memories, old friends far away.
a piece is chasing Mindy, a piece is chasing Norm, a piece is hanging on to all the years of diaries I lost, a piece is hanging onto the apartment which
has been gone for months. I Scream at my Soul JUST GET OVER IT JUST STOP IT
COME BACK TO ME THERES NOTHING THERE but it just doesnt listen. i try to make a home for it, I try to keep it here with me but it wont stay, it wont listen.
every molecule, every passing face, every moment, every brick in every wall, everything is stabbing me over and over again. I am not exagerrating in the slightest sense when I say that I am utterly and totally In Hell.
anyone who hears me is at a loss to help, this disease goes beyond everything that should heal me, everything that should help.
Two oracles told me that If I came to Olympia and left my old life behind, that I would find my strength and my vision. I only find it for fleeting moments, and then it disappears inexplicably.
I want to die.
And yet I know that to commit suicide would be repeating the same pattern that brought me into this hell in the first place: trying to escape agonizing terror and pain by making some sacrifice or compromise, only to find later on that the sacrifice only took me to a deeper level of torment.
but what the fuck else am i supposed to do??!!!
nothing is working, nothing is helping nothing gives me relief, nothing gives me peace. I feel like God has forgotten me...i try so hard to keep the faith but i can only see darkness, endless darkness.