crying again deja vu like i always do
I deserve redemption.
I need redemption.
Im running around in circles of madness, terror, fear, sorrow.
my tears dont seem to heal, they seem to just go on forever.
I once had a singular vision of my lifes purpose, that I would be a
healer, a spirit worker, a transgender warrior. I would be attendant
to a beautiful wolf-chieftess, I would be a protector of children,
a revolutionary, a wandering poet, I would be so many things.
Every day I wonder, what the fuck happened?
I dove into worlds of wild abandon, the realms of wine Gods, changelings, mischeif makers, avatars of chaos. I saw everything that I could become,
everything that I was capable of, everything that I could be.
And in a few swift strokes of obliterating madness, it was all taken away.
The Life i Had, the Purpose I Had, the Possessions I had, are all crystalized, paralyzed, fetishized into a singular untouchable object,
the seemingly unnatainable Light at the top a steep cliff.
Ive dreamt of this cliff before, one of the obstacles in the Underworld of the Unwanted, a place like hell but different. The more you desire to reach
the top of the cliff, the steeper it will become. the more you realize
the cliff itself is an illusion, the more it disappears to reveal the Light
within reach.
From time to precious time I get a hold of this Light, but it is always taken away from me somehow, I slip into madness, into obliterating sadness...
I am utterly empty.
I understand that this is often part of shamanic initiation, but this seems more like shamanic hazing, to put it crudely, as if a record were skipping, as if I was just stuck in the same phase without being able to rebuild, without being able to move forward.
the starpeople are leading me, but sometimes its so hard to have faith.
My heart aches for my spirit-worker family, far away, my heart aches for my tribe. I am terrified that I have betrayed them, I am so afraid that I am severed from them, and what could be more terrifying? considering, Raven Kaldera once said a shaman without a tribe is nothing, this is so true. this is my problem.
I am undermined by my failures, by my history of running, of cowardice, of terror, and failure. I am haunted. Goddess redeem me, God Redeem me....
I need redemption.
Im running around in circles of madness, terror, fear, sorrow.
my tears dont seem to heal, they seem to just go on forever.
I once had a singular vision of my lifes purpose, that I would be a
healer, a spirit worker, a transgender warrior. I would be attendant
to a beautiful wolf-chieftess, I would be a protector of children,
a revolutionary, a wandering poet, I would be so many things.
Every day I wonder, what the fuck happened?
I dove into worlds of wild abandon, the realms of wine Gods, changelings, mischeif makers, avatars of chaos. I saw everything that I could become,
everything that I was capable of, everything that I could be.
And in a few swift strokes of obliterating madness, it was all taken away.
The Life i Had, the Purpose I Had, the Possessions I had, are all crystalized, paralyzed, fetishized into a singular untouchable object,
the seemingly unnatainable Light at the top a steep cliff.
Ive dreamt of this cliff before, one of the obstacles in the Underworld of the Unwanted, a place like hell but different. The more you desire to reach
the top of the cliff, the steeper it will become. the more you realize
the cliff itself is an illusion, the more it disappears to reveal the Light
within reach.
From time to precious time I get a hold of this Light, but it is always taken away from me somehow, I slip into madness, into obliterating sadness...
I am utterly empty.
I understand that this is often part of shamanic initiation, but this seems more like shamanic hazing, to put it crudely, as if a record were skipping, as if I was just stuck in the same phase without being able to rebuild, without being able to move forward.
the starpeople are leading me, but sometimes its so hard to have faith.
My heart aches for my spirit-worker family, far away, my heart aches for my tribe. I am terrified that I have betrayed them, I am so afraid that I am severed from them, and what could be more terrifying? considering, Raven Kaldera once said a shaman without a tribe is nothing, this is so true. this is my problem.
I am undermined by my failures, by my history of running, of cowardice, of terror, and failure. I am haunted. Goddess redeem me, God Redeem me....