Let's cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screen...
It's been a really long time since I have written in livejournal. I have mostly been writing on myspace but i feel like it is way to open to anyone seeing it. I dont know as many people that have livejournal or that use it anymore.
Ugh..so my life. Its a series of ups and downs these days. The ups don't last as long as the downs do. The ups are usually as permenant and long lasting as the downs are. The medication I am on to deal with all of this...I dont know if I would say it is necessarily working.. its just making me more numb to everything thats been happening.I know that if I start to think about one of the million things that are a permenant force in my life.. I lose it.
For example, the other day I don't even know why I stopped on this one channel while I was channel surfing. I decided to start watching this random show and it was about this girl that was casting for an independent movie she was making. She didn't say how what the movie was going to be about for awhile and then she started to tell the story of her life.. and it was about her and her mothers relationship. She said her mother had Multiple Sclerosis and started talking about all the things that happened to her mother and how she ended up in a wheel chair and she had to take care of her for the rest of her life...And I just lost it.. I started crying. I am so scared of the future, becausae I know thats what the future is going to bring. Everytime I tell someone about my mom being sick and tell them whats wrong I can see it in their face as soon as I say "MS"...their face just wilts and they say "Oh...I'm sorry..Thats rough"...and it just slowly kills me inside. What did this amazing women ever do to deserve this. Can just have a break from everything that is incurably wrong with her.. I hate to say it.. but the only thing that can happen next that would be worse than all of this would be cancer. THAT SCARED THE SHIT out of me.
And my brother. Thats just an extremely scary thought that MY BROTHER may end up in a mental institution. I know it will be the best thing for him so they can figure out whats wrong with him but knowing that hes gotta go to one is just a really frightening thought. My parents.. I dont know what they are going to do. I feel like its going to ruin them emotionally. Having to leave their son behind in a hospital.. all alone.. I dont even know. ugh.
And then the whole ashley thing. I am REALLY trying to move on with it.. but i feel like its tearing me up inside.. because I just dont know. I dont know. I love him so much and knowing theres a possibility.. just kills me. I trust him and he acts and says that shes out of his life and I want to believe that shes just psychotic..I just want to bitch her out and rip her hair out and scream and yell to get all my frustration out about this whole subject. ughhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I hurt one of my best friends. She wont talk to me but I totally deserve it for what I did. I talk to much and give my opinion too much and then people talk and it gets out of control. I am tried to apologize but she wont answer me.. I guess I will just have to wait it out.
School is going ok... Classes are ok.. everything about it is just.. ok.. i dont have that many new friends but the friends I do have rock. I just feel so boring... I like it here but I dont LOVE it. I am more comfortable here than when I am at home. When I went home last weekend all I wanted to do was to come back here.. so I guess thats good.
I am really thinking about going to NTID.. that will be soo weird for me though.. I will be starting over AGAIN.. with people that I dont even know how to speak to... I may be going to open house with my mom either in march or in april and I will see how I like it.
On a happier note. Adam. Is. Amazing. I love him so much. He is my everything. He has been the only good thing in my life for awhile now. I cant even describe how happy I am when I see him. We are so comfortable together. We are best friends. We are meant to be together. I cant wait to see what the future holds for us. Theres always something to talk about, always something to do. I am just comfortable sitting/laying on his bed with him just watching tv.. just as long as I am with him...I am so happy. Its the only time I feel happy.
Anyways,enough rambling.
Megan
Ugh..so my life. Its a series of ups and downs these days. The ups don't last as long as the downs do. The ups are usually as permenant and long lasting as the downs are. The medication I am on to deal with all of this...I dont know if I would say it is necessarily working.. its just making me more numb to everything thats been happening.I know that if I start to think about one of the million things that are a permenant force in my life.. I lose it.
For example, the other day I don't even know why I stopped on this one channel while I was channel surfing. I decided to start watching this random show and it was about this girl that was casting for an independent movie she was making. She didn't say how what the movie was going to be about for awhile and then she started to tell the story of her life.. and it was about her and her mothers relationship. She said her mother had Multiple Sclerosis and started talking about all the things that happened to her mother and how she ended up in a wheel chair and she had to take care of her for the rest of her life...And I just lost it.. I started crying. I am so scared of the future, becausae I know thats what the future is going to bring. Everytime I tell someone about my mom being sick and tell them whats wrong I can see it in their face as soon as I say "MS"...their face just wilts and they say "Oh...I'm sorry..Thats rough"...and it just slowly kills me inside. What did this amazing women ever do to deserve this. Can just have a break from everything that is incurably wrong with her.. I hate to say it.. but the only thing that can happen next that would be worse than all of this would be cancer. THAT SCARED THE SHIT out of me.
And my brother. Thats just an extremely scary thought that MY BROTHER may end up in a mental institution. I know it will be the best thing for him so they can figure out whats wrong with him but knowing that hes gotta go to one is just a really frightening thought. My parents.. I dont know what they are going to do. I feel like its going to ruin them emotionally. Having to leave their son behind in a hospital.. all alone.. I dont even know. ugh.
And then the whole ashley thing. I am REALLY trying to move on with it.. but i feel like its tearing me up inside.. because I just dont know. I dont know. I love him so much and knowing theres a possibility.. just kills me. I trust him and he acts and says that shes out of his life and I want to believe that shes just psychotic..I just want to bitch her out and rip her hair out and scream and yell to get all my frustration out about this whole subject. ughhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I hurt one of my best friends. She wont talk to me but I totally deserve it for what I did. I talk to much and give my opinion too much and then people talk and it gets out of control. I am tried to apologize but she wont answer me.. I guess I will just have to wait it out.
School is going ok... Classes are ok.. everything about it is just.. ok.. i dont have that many new friends but the friends I do have rock. I just feel so boring... I like it here but I dont LOVE it. I am more comfortable here than when I am at home. When I went home last weekend all I wanted to do was to come back here.. so I guess thats good.
I am really thinking about going to NTID.. that will be soo weird for me though.. I will be starting over AGAIN.. with people that I dont even know how to speak to... I may be going to open house with my mom either in march or in april and I will see how I like it.
On a happier note. Adam. Is. Amazing. I love him so much. He is my everything. He has been the only good thing in my life for awhile now. I cant even describe how happy I am when I see him. We are so comfortable together. We are best friends. We are meant to be together. I cant wait to see what the future holds for us. Theres always something to talk about, always something to do. I am just comfortable sitting/laying on his bed with him just watching tv.. just as long as I am with him...I am so happy. Its the only time I feel happy.
Anyways,enough rambling.
Megan