What a Nightmare!!!!!!!!!
I did it again I swear I lied down in bed at 8:00pm thinking hoping to fall asleep and hot damn I did. But it did not last long I realize now the first mistake I made. I had went to bed all by myself while Bubba was watchign T.V. hoping if I went to bed before him he would take the hint and come in there and just hold me while I fell asleep. I WAS WRONG. That is nothing new I always seem to be wrong. However when he did come in there he managed to push and pull on me enough to wake me up. I understand that he jsut want me to roll over so he could lie down on the bed too but I was sleeping. We have two additional bed in this house and he knew I was not feelign well why in the hell coculdn't he have gone to sleep on one of the other beds. Ok I know one is wraped in plastic now but that is because it is brand new and I'll be damned if my Mark is gonna come home and his bed smell like dust and old stale air. Any ways I rolled over on to the very edge of the bed to give him enough room and he was still bugging the hell out of me. So I took it I lied in bed and waited for him mto finish movign around and hoped I will fall back asleep. He stopped moving at some time and then I lied there with my eyes shut still just thinking.
I managed to think about everything under the sun except for what I want to think about which was the love that i feel for Bubba. I thought about Mark and how I wish I could sit down long enough to write him a real letter without crying. I thought about Rachel and the gun shots going on outside. I thought about Rob and how I never hear from him any more and hopr that he is still ok and having as rough a time as Mark and Rachel. I thought about Jenny and wondered if we are going to pull thouogh our PCOS and have kids one day. I also thought abotu a few things that she has written in her journal that make me think I am not all lone in this world. finally and most frequently I thought about the bills that need to be paid and the money that is not in the bank yet to pay them. I guess that is what I get for not working.
Somehow I managed to fall back asleep but once again it did not last very long. I woke up minutes after drifting off witha massive headache. i lied there for a minute crying and trying to make myself comfortable enough to ignore it but it didn't work. I got out of bed and went and ran a hot bath hoping that maybe i could soak it away. That was a nice thought but it didn't last but 30 minutes before I had to throw up because of the pain. After I got backc in the bath tub I pulled my whole body under the water face and all. Then I thought about what would happen if I jsut stayed there. I felt body needing air and I forced myself to stay under just a little longer. I am not really sure why I did that but at the time it seemed liek the best idea.
Bath time was over after that the lack of air made my head beat stonger and the pain was unbearable. I got out of the tub and spent the next 45 minutes on the bathroom floor (which had just been mopped that morning) crying and reacign up to the potty to rid myself of everything I had eaten in the last three days. The pain seemed to be somhow gettign worse and there was nothing I could do about it. I had taken all of the pain meds. I was allowed to take seeing how I didn't want to die I jsut wanted the pain to go away. Finally I decided fuck it I was takign more. I took 6 more generic advil and lied down on the couch. I passed out at soem point only to be woken up at 5:30am when Bubba came otu of the room to get ready for work. he litterally jsut reached down onto the couch and woke me up. I walked into the bedroom and made it back into the bed once again. Guess what I couldn't fall backc asleep what a big fucking surprize right. I waited for him to leave and them i turned on my radio really low and listened to all of the songs on my toby keith cd and then just placed courtesty of the red white and blue on repeat. I feel asleep soem time after the sun came up and jsut woke up. My head is stil killing me and my radio is still on I keep kicking shit around my house every time Toby says "We'll put a boot in your ass......" I keep crying because I am allowing myself to think about people and things longer then I should. I need to go to the hospital and suck it up and get the stupid shot of meds so my head will stop pounding but I won't.
O well I guess I am really starting to use this thing as a journal. I am sorry I know it is hard enough to be over on the other side of the world. You don't really need to know how that is effecting me. Just know please that you are all loved and I want you to come home safe very soon.
I managed to think about everything under the sun except for what I want to think about which was the love that i feel for Bubba. I thought about Mark and how I wish I could sit down long enough to write him a real letter without crying. I thought about Rachel and the gun shots going on outside. I thought about Rob and how I never hear from him any more and hopr that he is still ok and having as rough a time as Mark and Rachel. I thought about Jenny and wondered if we are going to pull thouogh our PCOS and have kids one day. I also thought abotu a few things that she has written in her journal that make me think I am not all lone in this world. finally and most frequently I thought about the bills that need to be paid and the money that is not in the bank yet to pay them. I guess that is what I get for not working.
Somehow I managed to fall back asleep but once again it did not last very long. I woke up minutes after drifting off witha massive headache. i lied there for a minute crying and trying to make myself comfortable enough to ignore it but it didn't work. I got out of bed and went and ran a hot bath hoping that maybe i could soak it away. That was a nice thought but it didn't last but 30 minutes before I had to throw up because of the pain. After I got backc in the bath tub I pulled my whole body under the water face and all. Then I thought about what would happen if I jsut stayed there. I felt body needing air and I forced myself to stay under just a little longer. I am not really sure why I did that but at the time it seemed liek the best idea.
Bath time was over after that the lack of air made my head beat stonger and the pain was unbearable. I got out of the tub and spent the next 45 minutes on the bathroom floor (which had just been mopped that morning) crying and reacign up to the potty to rid myself of everything I had eaten in the last three days. The pain seemed to be somhow gettign worse and there was nothing I could do about it. I had taken all of the pain meds. I was allowed to take seeing how I didn't want to die I jsut wanted the pain to go away. Finally I decided fuck it I was takign more. I took 6 more generic advil and lied down on the couch. I passed out at soem point only to be woken up at 5:30am when Bubba came otu of the room to get ready for work. he litterally jsut reached down onto the couch and woke me up. I walked into the bedroom and made it back into the bed once again. Guess what I couldn't fall backc asleep what a big fucking surprize right. I waited for him to leave and them i turned on my radio really low and listened to all of the songs on my toby keith cd and then just placed courtesty of the red white and blue on repeat. I feel asleep soem time after the sun came up and jsut woke up. My head is stil killing me and my radio is still on I keep kicking shit around my house every time Toby says "We'll put a boot in your ass......" I keep crying because I am allowing myself to think about people and things longer then I should. I need to go to the hospital and suck it up and get the stupid shot of meds so my head will stop pounding but I won't.
O well I guess I am really starting to use this thing as a journal. I am sorry I know it is hard enough to be over on the other side of the world. You don't really need to know how that is effecting me. Just know please that you are all loved and I want you to come home safe very soon.