"These are my thoughts not yours!"~some guy on tv
Well I can not sleep. Whats new right?
Well here is something new to me and now everyone gets to know.
My life is all a big fat fucking lie!!!!
Yup I said it and I think I may be the first one to notice it but I have been doing a lot and I mean A LOT of fucking thinking and I have decided that my life and everyones involved in my life is a lie.
Why? (you may ask)
Because I pretend all the time to be happy!! (99.9999% of the time it is a lie)
But the good news is that it is all about to change.
Why? ( Do I think this effects everyone involved in my life)
That is easy because one person can effect someone else just by being around them or talking to them or reading what I type.
Why? ( do I have to pretend to be happy)
Well like I said I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have figured that out to. And here is the list of reasons I fake it.
first: I have to in order to make my husband believe that life is great and that I would not change a thing
second: In hopes that by me having a smile on my face that maybe I can makes some ones day go better ( which is sad because if I make someone's day go better it is normal a person I do not know there do not really truely care about.
third: (I think this is the main reson) To make myself believe it.
Why? (am I not happy)
First: Well let me start with the one thing I think about every day
Three yes I said it THREE people that I have cared about for some time are a zillion miles away from home and stuck in a god forsaken shit hole "defending" our country. ( BUSH IS AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!)( I know at least two of those three people will end up reading this sooner or later so just to let you all know I love you and think about you every morning when my alarm goes off and Toby Keith starts playing American Soldier. Bubba and myself miss you all very much and home to see you home safe and sound and drunk off your asses very soon.)
Second: I quit my job so I could stay at home and cook and clean and do all those wonderful wifely duties(LMFAO). And now that I am doing all of those things I find myself with a lot of extra time to think and realize I hate being home alone and feeling like I am not part of the world. I swear the only time I see the outside world now is when I look out of my sliding glass doors. Or when I watch the news.
Third: Look at the second I don't really do anything any more. Yeah on the days that Bubba has off we go out together and do things. And yes on thursday night I get all dressed up ( put on make up and a nice pants outfit and make sure every hair on my head is in just the right order to be a perfect looking wife but not to sexy(LOL)to distract the guys from bowling ) and we go to the bowling alley so I can watch him make an ass out of himself on a bowling league.
Fourth: I can not figure out a way to lie to myself about feeling pretty. Normal I would say I do not give a shit and that I am happy being me but lately with all this extra time on my hands I feel as if I should be doing something to make myself better. Yup I decide that in order to make myself feel better I need to feel pretty. Now this brings me to a question that I can not seem to answer. What the fuck is pretty and how do I make myself into that? I know pretty is not size or should I say belt size because I have seen many drop dead beauitful plus size women. But then again every time I think what can I do to make myself feel pretty I go back to trail adn take a walk hoping that some how I am going to find the answer in a smaller dress. And yet I have lost 20 pounds and I am still not happy with it.
Fifth: I want to go to school and everytime I think about it I apply to a different school always managing to get the application fee waved but I never and I mean never call them or write them or talk to them in any way again . And when they send me e mials i delete them with ever opening them. Just so you have some idea about what I mean here are a few of the schools I applied to
School Craft ~ i got accepted
Boston U~ i got accepted
Yale~ LOL that was just for fun and they turned me down and fast( guess I should have been in some kind of sport)
Eastern Michigan~ i got accepted
UofM ~i got accepted
Michigan State~ everyone gets accepted
U of Cali~ i got accepted
the list just goes on and on
How?(am I going to change this)
First: I am getting a job. Where? I am going to play with animals (hopefully they will bring up my mood)at PETCO. I have already been offered a job there and I never applied for it so I figure what the fuck why not. I mean what is the worst it can do.
Second: I am reappling for school craft assuming they will accept me again I am goign to school. (not really sure what for jsut yet but I will figure that out to I am sure
Third: I am going to start taking myself out and doing things alone(at least until my friends come home) :(
Fourth: I have decided that in order to make myself feel pretty I am going to go along with the general public's idea of sexy. I am goign to go ahead and continue my walking and eattign healthy and see just how much weight I cna lose before Bubba finds me completely repulsive and leaves me. ( for those of you that did nto already know this Bubba likes chuncky chicks)
Fifth: I am goign to stop playing Toby Keith in the morning and start listening to it before I go to bed.
Now that I have filled the page and emptied one of the many thoughts out of my head I am going to try once again to obtain sleep. And if it does not work maybe I will come back and rant about one of the other thoughts.
FEEL FREE TO TELL ME TO SHUT UP IF YOU WANT TO I KNOW I AM BEING CHILD LIKE WHEN I COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS LIKE NOT BEING PRETTY.
I LOVE AND MISS YOU ALL HOPFULLY I WILL SEE YOU SOON!!
p.s~ i know i can not type but if i spell check this it will never get on the page so good luck
Well here is something new to me and now everyone gets to know.
My life is all a big fat fucking lie!!!!
Yup I said it and I think I may be the first one to notice it but I have been doing a lot and I mean A LOT of fucking thinking and I have decided that my life and everyones involved in my life is a lie.
Why? (you may ask)
Because I pretend all the time to be happy!! (99.9999% of the time it is a lie)
But the good news is that it is all about to change.
Why? ( Do I think this effects everyone involved in my life)
That is easy because one person can effect someone else just by being around them or talking to them or reading what I type.
Why? ( do I have to pretend to be happy)
Well like I said I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have figured that out to. And here is the list of reasons I fake it.
first: I have to in order to make my husband believe that life is great and that I would not change a thing
second: In hopes that by me having a smile on my face that maybe I can makes some ones day go better ( which is sad because if I make someone's day go better it is normal a person I do not know there do not really truely care about.
third: (I think this is the main reson) To make myself believe it.
Why? (am I not happy)
First: Well let me start with the one thing I think about every day
Three yes I said it THREE people that I have cared about for some time are a zillion miles away from home and stuck in a god forsaken shit hole "defending" our country. ( BUSH IS AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!)( I know at least two of those three people will end up reading this sooner or later so just to let you all know I love you and think about you every morning when my alarm goes off and Toby Keith starts playing American Soldier. Bubba and myself miss you all very much and home to see you home safe and sound and drunk off your asses very soon.)
Second: I quit my job so I could stay at home and cook and clean and do all those wonderful wifely duties(LMFAO). And now that I am doing all of those things I find myself with a lot of extra time to think and realize I hate being home alone and feeling like I am not part of the world. I swear the only time I see the outside world now is when I look out of my sliding glass doors. Or when I watch the news.
Third: Look at the second I don't really do anything any more. Yeah on the days that Bubba has off we go out together and do things. And yes on thursday night I get all dressed up ( put on make up and a nice pants outfit and make sure every hair on my head is in just the right order to be a perfect looking wife but not to sexy(LOL)to distract the guys from bowling ) and we go to the bowling alley so I can watch him make an ass out of himself on a bowling league.
Fourth: I can not figure out a way to lie to myself about feeling pretty. Normal I would say I do not give a shit and that I am happy being me but lately with all this extra time on my hands I feel as if I should be doing something to make myself better. Yup I decide that in order to make myself feel better I need to feel pretty. Now this brings me to a question that I can not seem to answer. What the fuck is pretty and how do I make myself into that? I know pretty is not size or should I say belt size because I have seen many drop dead beauitful plus size women. But then again every time I think what can I do to make myself feel pretty I go back to trail adn take a walk hoping that some how I am going to find the answer in a smaller dress. And yet I have lost 20 pounds and I am still not happy with it.
Fifth: I want to go to school and everytime I think about it I apply to a different school always managing to get the application fee waved but I never and I mean never call them or write them or talk to them in any way again . And when they send me e mials i delete them with ever opening them. Just so you have some idea about what I mean here are a few of the schools I applied to
School Craft ~ i got accepted
Boston U~ i got accepted
Yale~ LOL that was just for fun and they turned me down and fast( guess I should have been in some kind of sport)
Eastern Michigan~ i got accepted
UofM ~i got accepted
Michigan State~ everyone gets accepted
U of Cali~ i got accepted
the list just goes on and on
How?(am I going to change this)
First: I am getting a job. Where? I am going to play with animals (hopefully they will bring up my mood)at PETCO. I have already been offered a job there and I never applied for it so I figure what the fuck why not. I mean what is the worst it can do.
Second: I am reappling for school craft assuming they will accept me again I am goign to school. (not really sure what for jsut yet but I will figure that out to I am sure
Third: I am going to start taking myself out and doing things alone(at least until my friends come home) :(
Fourth: I have decided that in order to make myself feel pretty I am going to go along with the general public's idea of sexy. I am goign to go ahead and continue my walking and eattign healthy and see just how much weight I cna lose before Bubba finds me completely repulsive and leaves me. ( for those of you that did nto already know this Bubba likes chuncky chicks)
Fifth: I am goign to stop playing Toby Keith in the morning and start listening to it before I go to bed.
Now that I have filled the page and emptied one of the many thoughts out of my head I am going to try once again to obtain sleep. And if it does not work maybe I will come back and rant about one of the other thoughts.
FEEL FREE TO TELL ME TO SHUT UP IF YOU WANT TO I KNOW I AM BEING CHILD LIKE WHEN I COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS LIKE NOT BEING PRETTY.
I LOVE AND MISS YOU ALL HOPFULLY I WILL SEE YOU SOON!!
p.s~ i know i can not type but if i spell check this it will never get on the page so good luck