The Three Little Pigs (revised)
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. They lived together with a nagging Mother who constantly told them that should be working harder, and should definitely aim towards a degree in Medicine. All day and all night she gave them no rest, so at the beginning of the new year, they left home and went out to seek their fortunes.
The first little piggy was only a few kilometres from home when he met a man carrying a bundle of straw. They looked good.
"Hey dude, can you give me that straw to build a house?"
"No way."
"T___T Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"Uh... no."
"You asshole."
"I can't give you this straw, but if you follow me, I can give you a Bachelor of Arts."
"DEAL."
So the first little piggy went to University, and began his studies, majoring in Philosophy and Asian Studies. Hence he became wise, very, very wise.
The second little piggy went further than his brother, and had almost reached the mountains far, far away before meeting someone carrying a bundle of sticks. They weren't just ordinary sticks... they were shiny, white, polished, orgasmic wood.
"Excuse me mister, could you give me that straw so I can build a house?"
"Why?"
"What do you mean, 'why?', I asked you, that's why!"
"But I cut this wood myself..."
"Don't change the subject buster, can I have that wood or not?"
"No."
"*gasp*...You cheapskate."
"I can't give you this wood, but if you come with me, I can give you a Bachelor of Commerce."
"Make that a Masters."
"...Fine."
So the second little piggy went to University. He gave the University a hard time, but finally decided to major in Economics and Marketing. After all, a rich piggy is a... rich piggy.
The third little piggy travelled the furthest of all his brothers; he was well beyond the mountains far, far away and about to die of exhaustion before he met a man carrying a sackful of bricks.
"Pardon me, sir, could you give me those bricks to build a house?"
"Hell no."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm going to build a time machine!"
"...What?"
"I'm going to travel back in time and make myself rich!"
"If you actually succeed in making a time machine, you would've gone back in time already, meaning you'd already be rich, meaning you wouldn't want to make a time machine, which means you wouldn't be here now. It's a paradox."
"Oh... Wait, could you repeat that part about the parrot?"
"Can I have the bricks or not, dammit?!"
"No."
"WHY?!!"
"I can't give you these bricks, but I can give you a degree in Medicine?"
"I don't want to do Medicine. EVER."
"Dentistry?"
"No."
"Physiotherapy?"
"Still part of Medicine."
"Engineering?"
"So long as its not Biomedical Engineering?"
"You got it."
So the third little piggy went to University and busted his ass studying Aeronautical Engineering.
Now when Mother piggy woke up that morning to find all her children gone, she was in a right fit. She looked under the beds; she looked under the couch, but there was no one anywhere. So she went to her computer and used her stalker CIA skills to find the blogs of all her children; and at long last discovered what each of them were doing.
"WHAT?! NONE of them are doing Medicine!?! Those brats!"
In a fit of rage, she Googled the infamous cyberstalker/hitman/encyclopedia salesman, The Big Bad Wolf and hired him to take out her kids for not listening to her.
Then at last she was content and sat before her looking-glass.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the smartest of us all?"
"Stupid question! Of course its me!
But otherwise, its your children three."
"But not for long..." she laughed to herself.
It was a bright blue morning when the Big Bad Wolf entered University under the guise of a fellow Arts Student. To his surprise, there was hardly anyone about.
"Where is everyone?" he asked a passerby.
"Screw you."
"What?!"
And he ate him up.
"Dude, that's not cool," came the voice from his stomach.
"Richard?" came another female voice.
"Martha! So that's why you never returned my texts!"
"Actually, it's because I broke my touchscreen cellphone by cracking the screen. Accidentally of course."
Angered, the BBWolf marched off the Student Quad, where EVERYONE was. The lines in front of every stall was at least ten people long; the DJ was in the middle playing a munted version on Circus by Britney; the cool kids were smoking in the corner. In amongst all this was the first little piggy sitting with his friends.
"Hey, are you Little Piggy?"
"Only in this life cycle."
"Can I be your friend?"
"Ew, with those shoes? Hell no, by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin."
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll eat you all up!"
"Pfft, your logic is so weak."
"What?"
"You see, just because I won't be your friend, you now threaten to eat me. What kind of relevance is that? If you want to be taken seriously, you should make your statements more materially sound."
"Oh."
"You'd like to be taken seriously right?"
"Yes."
"Then you should come attend my lecture. We're going to learn about fallacious arguments next."
Humbled and confused, BBWolf staggered away towards the OGG Building (Commerce Block). With the clean fresh air in his lungs again, his head began to clear and he realised (with considerable annoyance) that he'd been duped by the first little piggy. Well, the second wasn't going to get any mercy then.
The OGG lecture halls were enormous, and it took several minutes to even find where the second little piggy was sitting. And then it turned out he was sitting in the middle, so the BBWolf had to eat up everyone else to get a seat next to him.
"Hi, I'm BBWolf, and-"
"I'm sorry, I don't sell to your kind, not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin."
"I'm going to eat you up!"
"Don't you know anything about current market trends? Imbecile! Public preference for pork has decreased in recent years, causing a surging increase in demand for substitutes like beef and chicken. If you know what's really good for you, you should try Ingham's chicken bites; I mean, I know I'm not prepared for this exam, but I AM prepared for dinner."
"How much?"
"Seventeen payments of fourteen ninety five. Its a good deal. Excludes shipping and handling of course."
"I'll take twenty."
"Oh, dear Neptune!" cursed the BBWolf as he walked out of the OGG building, "I've been duped AGAIN! That's the last straw. I'm going to eat the third little piggy, no matter what!"
~Six hours later, in Shadows, the student bar~
"I love you little piggy..." slurred the BBWolf, dribbling beer on the counter.
"*hic* I love you toooo... We should have more sexytime..."
"One more drink!"
"No more, my the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin!"
"On me! More!"
"Hey, did you know that jumping off from the third story can't actually kill you? I did the calculations yesterday..."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Oh... let's try it... WheeeeeeEEE-"
"..."
"...Oh... I think I made a mistake in my value for gravity..."