(no subject)

[herbloodytears]

everytime i see him i remember everything im not
and i remember every dream when i was so happy
but my eyes ended up wet and i couldnt figure out why

i heard once that i should never regret
the things that once made me smile
that is so much easier said than done

at least he loved you
at least you know hed never leave
at least he will always be there for -you-

so why cant you just help me?
cant you just show me im not alone?
cant you just make me smile?

i never question you, but its starting to hurt
and im going to hurt him
im going to hurt you

down and out, its all good outthere but my mind doesnt react. my mind says "nope im taking a holiday..no expressions for you" well mind..ive been feelin this way for about a year now, hows about youget up off your ass and work a little for me. i want to feel emotions. i want my heart to swell bc im so happy, i want it to feel like its gunna burst. but instead it just sits there pumping its blood in all its blah state.
i dont get to fele the good emotions anymore. its not fair i want to, ive had a few tastes but it was right about this time last year when my life hit the fan and shit went everywhere. and those few tastes are nowhere near enough. i want more. i want my heart to feel happy for a change.
its amazing, i feel like "blah" all the time, and then something really good happens, and i get happy for a few seconds but cant manage to keep the happy. then when somethig happens, like a fight with kyle or something, i find myself not even giving a shit. i usually justtell kyle to shut up and not to talk to me. then when something really bad happens..oh then my hearts got no problem feeling all the shitty feelings at once
::screams:: what the heck is wrong with you, huh?!