James
Day 2 without James over and done, and I feel... don't know how I feel yet. I think he made the right choice and that it's for the greater good for our family, but selfishly, I'm lonely, bummed, and above all, worried about Annie.
I dropped James off at MEPS at like 2am on Wednesday night/Thursday morning for his early morning ship-date, and off he went. He was supposed to be in there by 10pm so they could get their "8 hours of sleep" before the shuttle out, but whatever, he checked in, and came home, and we hung out (watching Predator and sharing our gassy anxieties) until the last minute, like we used to in the old Marine days. Then I drove him back to MEPS and left him there - worst drive home ever. He wanted to put Annie to bed, give her her bath and tuck her in, as usual, before he left, and that's a good thing. And he had to take one last look at the sleeping girls before he left, and that was pretty cry-worthy, but I have to keep reminding myself that reupping with the Army is not the end of the world and that we will see him again fairly soon. He's at Ft. Knox for 9 weeks, learning how to make tanks or some shit, and hopefully soon we will know when he will be deployed and where/when he will be stationed etc. So I shouldn't panic yet, but I am, and it's only Day 2. Shit.
Fortunately or unfortunately, Annie and I (I say mostly us because Charlie, while totally pumped at James' presence and smiles galore when he comes home, will not really remember all this, and is still basically dependent on the boob and Daddy's just a nice warm toy) are used to James working a million hours, so Annie is pretty used to "Daddy's at work" as the stock comment of the moment. However, even when James would only have 30 minutes between his day job and his night job, he'd STILL come home to give Pants her bath and play with her and love on her and put her to bed before he'd have run off again... and there was always thing Thing, this moment Annie and I would be waiting for each night, whether it was his 30 minutes or done for the day, that Thing at the end of the day where we were waiting for him to come home so we could all End Our Day (Annie, needing bath and "chasing" and other daddy-fun-bonding-time, and me, exhausted, waiting to dump the kids on him so I could have 10 minutes to myself, and if we were lucky on a non-Fedex night, putting the kids to bed together so we could actually look at each other and talk in relative peace before we both passed out). Anyway, that Thing is missing and it's weird.
Thursday morning, Annie just asked where Nanna was ("at work"), said "Daddy at work too" and "Sissy downstairs" and that was the end of it really. Tonight however, when we were on the front porch after coming home from the store, she saw some random dude in the dark park his car and get out, and asked "Daddy home?" all excited, then realized "that not Daddy, Daddy at work" and went off to explore something else, but in that tiny moment, my heart broke. What do I tell her tomorrow? Yes, Mom helped me bathe the girls Thursday night, and exhausted as we were, we skipped bathtime tonight, but at SOME point, Pants is GOING to realize that Daddy hasn't been home to give her her bath in like... forever. And it's going to SUCK.
Kids are like dogs that way - they know SOMETHING is up, even if they don't really know what it is, and they can't articulate it, they just KNOW. Pants has been cumulatively more squirrely and Chuckles has been more cranky and needy (granted, she IS teething), but they are SO feeding off of OUR stresses, it's ridiculous! Maintaining some form of Normal is an effort, though not in the way that you'd think. We are USED to being alone, having him work so many hours for the last few years, but the effort is emotional on my part, not necessarily physical (though taking out our trash myself and other heavy lifting is gonna be a pain :), but just trying not to be bummed and carry on as if nothing is different, THAT'S the hard part. Can't wallow in self-pity like the old days now because I still have to be "on" for the sake of the kids, but they're not stupid - Annie can see it, Charlie can feel it, hell, even the damn dog is acting funny, though I'm not sure if that's because she misses James or if she thinks his spot in the bed is open...
I just feel like I'm not as good of a mom when he's not here. Yes, it's only Day 2, but I'm crabby and sad and short-tempered, and the kids (in all their unarticulated turmoil) don't deserve that. I WILL say again that I do think going active duty again WAS the right choice, and as much as it upends our lives, it IS a good thing - I'm just having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel just yet is all. James says that when I see that first paycheck and all the insurance coverage we're going to get, I'll shit myself and it will be well worth it - yes, I'm sure that is true, but right now, after today's long day, I just would rather have him HOME.
Lame.
Whatever, I am tired to my very bones, so off I go, to dream of going to the dentist and sending the girls to fancy schools and only buying the best local organic groceries... it makes me feel better to think that way of the situation. Ugh. That's enough world, more tomorrow...
P.S. It was the first St. Paddy's day in a LONG time that I didn't wear green or go out or celebrate in some way - even being Irish (which usually brings me great pride and joy) wasn't getting me into the spirit of the day. I went the other way with that one - instead of drinking green beer (eeew!) somewhere getting my raucous on, I stayed home, crying in my regular-colored beer... listening to "If We Never Meet Again"... feeling oppressed... and hating the British (typical thursday night if you're me? :)
I dropped James off at MEPS at like 2am on Wednesday night/Thursday morning for his early morning ship-date, and off he went. He was supposed to be in there by 10pm so they could get their "8 hours of sleep" before the shuttle out, but whatever, he checked in, and came home, and we hung out (watching Predator and sharing our gassy anxieties) until the last minute, like we used to in the old Marine days. Then I drove him back to MEPS and left him there - worst drive home ever. He wanted to put Annie to bed, give her her bath and tuck her in, as usual, before he left, and that's a good thing. And he had to take one last look at the sleeping girls before he left, and that was pretty cry-worthy, but I have to keep reminding myself that reupping with the Army is not the end of the world and that we will see him again fairly soon. He's at Ft. Knox for 9 weeks, learning how to make tanks or some shit, and hopefully soon we will know when he will be deployed and where/when he will be stationed etc. So I shouldn't panic yet, but I am, and it's only Day 2. Shit.
Fortunately or unfortunately, Annie and I (I say mostly us because Charlie, while totally pumped at James' presence and smiles galore when he comes home, will not really remember all this, and is still basically dependent on the boob and Daddy's just a nice warm toy) are used to James working a million hours, so Annie is pretty used to "Daddy's at work" as the stock comment of the moment. However, even when James would only have 30 minutes between his day job and his night job, he'd STILL come home to give Pants her bath and play with her and love on her and put her to bed before he'd have run off again... and there was always thing Thing, this moment Annie and I would be waiting for each night, whether it was his 30 minutes or done for the day, that Thing at the end of the day where we were waiting for him to come home so we could all End Our Day (Annie, needing bath and "chasing" and other daddy-fun-bonding-time, and me, exhausted, waiting to dump the kids on him so I could have 10 minutes to myself, and if we were lucky on a non-Fedex night, putting the kids to bed together so we could actually look at each other and talk in relative peace before we both passed out). Anyway, that Thing is missing and it's weird.
Thursday morning, Annie just asked where Nanna was ("at work"), said "Daddy at work too" and "Sissy downstairs" and that was the end of it really. Tonight however, when we were on the front porch after coming home from the store, she saw some random dude in the dark park his car and get out, and asked "Daddy home?" all excited, then realized "that not Daddy, Daddy at work" and went off to explore something else, but in that tiny moment, my heart broke. What do I tell her tomorrow? Yes, Mom helped me bathe the girls Thursday night, and exhausted as we were, we skipped bathtime tonight, but at SOME point, Pants is GOING to realize that Daddy hasn't been home to give her her bath in like... forever. And it's going to SUCK.
Kids are like dogs that way - they know SOMETHING is up, even if they don't really know what it is, and they can't articulate it, they just KNOW. Pants has been cumulatively more squirrely and Chuckles has been more cranky and needy (granted, she IS teething), but they are SO feeding off of OUR stresses, it's ridiculous! Maintaining some form of Normal is an effort, though not in the way that you'd think. We are USED to being alone, having him work so many hours for the last few years, but the effort is emotional on my part, not necessarily physical (though taking out our trash myself and other heavy lifting is gonna be a pain :), but just trying not to be bummed and carry on as if nothing is different, THAT'S the hard part. Can't wallow in self-pity like the old days now because I still have to be "on" for the sake of the kids, but they're not stupid - Annie can see it, Charlie can feel it, hell, even the damn dog is acting funny, though I'm not sure if that's because she misses James or if she thinks his spot in the bed is open...
I just feel like I'm not as good of a mom when he's not here. Yes, it's only Day 2, but I'm crabby and sad and short-tempered, and the kids (in all their unarticulated turmoil) don't deserve that. I WILL say again that I do think going active duty again WAS the right choice, and as much as it upends our lives, it IS a good thing - I'm just having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel just yet is all. James says that when I see that first paycheck and all the insurance coverage we're going to get, I'll shit myself and it will be well worth it - yes, I'm sure that is true, but right now, after today's long day, I just would rather have him HOME.
Lame.
Whatever, I am tired to my very bones, so off I go, to dream of going to the dentist and sending the girls to fancy schools and only buying the best local organic groceries... it makes me feel better to think that way of the situation. Ugh. That's enough world, more tomorrow...
P.S. It was the first St. Paddy's day in a LONG time that I didn't wear green or go out or celebrate in some way - even being Irish (which usually brings me great pride and joy) wasn't getting me into the spirit of the day. I went the other way with that one - instead of drinking green beer (eeew!) somewhere getting my raucous on, I stayed home, crying in my regular-colored beer... listening to "If We Never Meet Again"... feeling oppressed... and hating the British (typical thursday night if you're me? :)