New Entry; Temptation
I am so glad that Carsis came home when he did. I was about to go out looking for him, I was, but... would I have been able to leave the flat without
Bloodthistle was the one constant in my life until a year ago (nearly two now, though, isn't it? I hadn't thought about it until now). Lynel gave me my first taste while I was still at the monastery. How old was I? Still a boy. Not old enough. No one is ever old enough. It has a way of getting into your head, turning you upside down--taking over. For so long, I functioned better on it than I did off of it. Or at least, I thought I did. Lynel thought so too, and look what he turned into. that was because of how he died and it was my The bloodthistle was responsible for that, too. Would I have been such a coward then, if I hadn't been on it? Where was the person I am now--without it--back then? Buried. Suffocating. Clawing at the walls inside my own head.
I am certainly no great bastion of purity and self-sacrifice now, but I'm closer to the man I would have been if my life hadn't taken so many twisting paths back then, I think.
... And yet, when it was in the room with me, my body ached for it. In the back of my head, a part of me was saying that I could take just a little, just enough to feel that thrill again, and I'd be able to walk away.
I know that it wouldn't have been true. I can never touch it again. Just being near it is too much temptation. I know, I know, that I wouldn't have had the willpower to throw it away myself. It was only because Carsis was there that I had the strength to let the box go, once I'd picked it up.
Who would do this? Why? What did that note mean? ... How many people from my past know that I quit? How many from the present know that I used to be addicted?
I promised I wouldn't obsess, but it's so. Damn. Hard.
There are too many questions that I don't have the answers to.
Bloodthistle was the one constant in my life until a year ago (nearly two now, though, isn't it? I hadn't thought about it until now). Lynel gave me my first taste while I was still at the monastery. How old was I? Still a boy. Not old enough. No one is ever old enough. It has a way of getting into your head, turning you upside down--taking over. For so long, I functioned better on it than I did off of it. Or at least, I thought I did. Lynel thought so too, and look what he turned into. that was because of how he died and it was my The bloodthistle was responsible for that, too. Would I have been such a coward then, if I hadn't been on it? Where was the person I am now--without it--back then? Buried. Suffocating. Clawing at the walls inside my own head.
I am certainly no great bastion of purity and self-sacrifice now, but I'm closer to the man I would have been if my life hadn't taken so many twisting paths back then, I think.
... And yet, when it was in the room with me, my body ached for it. In the back of my head, a part of me was saying that I could take just a little, just enough to feel that thrill again, and I'd be able to walk away.
I know that it wouldn't have been true. I can never touch it again. Just being near it is too much temptation. I know, I know, that I wouldn't have had the willpower to throw it away myself. It was only because Carsis was there that I had the strength to let the box go, once I'd picked it up.
Who would do this? Why? What did that note mean? ... How many people from my past know that I quit? How many from the present know that I used to be addicted?
I promised I wouldn't obsess, but it's so. Damn. Hard.
There are too many questions that I don't have the answers to.